Grade 6.

Screen Shot 03-09-17 at 11.13 AM This was me in grade 6. It was the last YR I was really truly happy, the last YR I was ever truly myself, when I was me before the bullying started the next YR in grade 7, before that and all the other traumas came into my life, hit me, hit me hard, and broke me hard. In grade 6 it was a good YR for me. I was happy. I liked my school, my teacher, my class, I had friends. I had self-esteem, I liked myself, I liked my life. I was either unaware of my looks or it didn’t bother me.Life was good. I was happy. I was a happy kid. Little did I know what was yet to come, and that this YR would be the last YR of the best YRS of my life, that the best part of my life was about to end.What I wouldn’t give to have those 12 YRS back again. I’ve never been happy like that since. I haven’t been me since. I’ve had happy moments sporadically, but it’s not the same thing. I lost who I was.

I didn’t know what stress, fear, worry, trauma, despair, self-loathing, depression,misery, betrayal, mistrust, and devastation was, and I was blissfully unaware how  very close I was to finding out, how drastically my life was about to change, how in just another YR life as I knew it would be over and I’d never be the same again. I would lose a piece of myself that I’d never get back. Once I went into grade 7 my whole world just fell apart and just kept going downwards from there.Life never did did get any better as an adult. In fact, it only got worse. I wish I could get my old life back. I wish I could get the old me back.

Speaking of my toxic family, my mother was saying how she’d like to buy the girls jewellery to commemorate their milestone upcoming 16th, 18th, and 21st birthdays this YR even though I never had anything for my milestone 50th, and her excuse was we don’t have the $$$$ anymore…we still don’t have the $$$$ now for theirs,either, yet somehow she’ll still manage to get it somewhere for theirs, just not for mine….and then her and my hubby sneer I’m “jealous”  when I want to be included  and want fair and equal treatment and just want to be treated like everyone else instead of always being made to feel like an unwanted house-guest, and when I was talking to my hubby he waved me away dismissively with his hand like he was shooing away a fly and said, “you can go away now!”

My mother’s also trying to dissuade the 9 YR old out of my hubby’s plan to take him to a trampoline park for his birthday, saying trampolines are dangerous (even though we have one in our backyard) and he’ll end up breaking his arm on his birthday and they’re only meant for one person to jump on at a time….I told her to stop always babying him and that the trampoline park they’re made for more than one person at a time, but she’s always interfering and meddling, and trying to assert control and over-step boundaries with my kids, and she was using the timer on the microwave when I needed the microwave to cook my lunch so I told her to just use the other(portable) timer instead but she said the 9 YR old was playing with it ( and she’s obsessed with him and what he wants always comes first and she’ll never tell him no) and that was more important and then-get this- called me “selfish” for needing to use the microwave to cook my lunch! I told her she’s the one being selfish and ridiculous, and replied,”I am allowed to eat! I need the microwave to cook, you can use the other timer, just tell him you need it! That’s what it’s for!” Just more of my family’s typical disregard for me and how anything for me isn’t important and always comes last,and then whenever I defend myself it’s always turned around onto me and I’m blamed for it, a classic sign of emotional abuse.