As well as my frequent recurring dream that I move back to my old Toronto house I now also have a newer recurring dream as well as that one: that I’m at school and it’s my last day of high school before I graduate and I say to myself as one last thing I have to do, “I have to clean out my locker! I don’t want all my shit to get thrown out!” and then as I leave the school for the very last time I think, with glee, I’m free! I never have to go back ever again! along with the free, unfettered feeling of total and utter freedom, of being unburdened, of having a huge weight being lifted off, of having shackles removed, like being released from prison. Even all these YRS later I still remember that glorious feeling of freedom and release.
I wonder if the dream represents me dying soon, and that My Last Day is coming very soon, my Last Day alive, my Last Day here on Earth, as I’m going to die soon, and in that I will soon be free, and will never have to go back here ever again, and live in a place I hate and with people that hate me and abuse me, and I will be in a place where I will feel at home, feel welcomed, loved, accepted, like I belong, and where I will be happy. Perhaps the last day of school is a metaphor for my last day before I die,and soon I will be free? Also, I think the part about cleaning out my locker may represent getting my life and affairs in order before I die.
As well, March Break starts next week and we take a week off school and the 17 YR old’s also going to Virginia for the week with Cadets,and the 22 YR old’s going to California for 2 months in the summer,too, to visit his GF and originally he wasn’t even going to tell me,either; my hubby planned to just drop him off at the airport one day and not say anything and see how long it would take for me to notice that he was gone! The 2 things that bring me the most happiness in life as well are my dog and weed.