Screen Shot 03-12-17 at 09.22 AM I had my EEG done yesterday morning. I had a bunch of electrodes stuck to my scalp like the ones seen here, only my wires were multi rainbow coloured. First the technician measured my head and drew markings on my scalp. Then she rubbed a gritty paste all over, bit by bit, that felt like sand and reminded me of the apricot face scrub I use. Then she carefully applied and reapplied and readjusted the electrodes and had me lay down on my back.It took about 45 minutes in total. I felt like Frankenstein being plugged in, and looked like Medusa with snakes coming out of my hair!

I was told to relax and close my eyes for most of it, and hopefully even to fall asleep. I didn’t but I did try to find my Happy Place, imagining myself at the beach in the Caribbean, floating in the ocean,and I could feel myself starting to leave my body.At the end of the test she flashed various flashing lights and then said to open my eyes and then close them, and an after-image  remained and it was moving and looked like a psychedelic kalaidescope, and it felt like I’d just had a few good bong hits and was tripping out…..except I hadn’t had any weed! I asked what the results were, as hopefully it’ll give some idea as to why I’ve been having seizures,and even though they weren’t lucky enough to actually catch me having one during the test, people that do still often have abnormal brain waves that the test picks up,and also shows which specific area of the brain affected and it originates from, but she said she’s just the technician and the neurologist has to read the results and I should hear back in around 5 days. So now I wait……. I just hope that something showed up so we have some answers, but I bet with my luck it’s be normal or inconclusive….

As well, my purple Converse high-tops my hubby got me for Mother’s Day are now up on top of the china cabinet in the diningroom until Mother’s Day, but I visit them regularly, anticipating when I get to wear them, and I always feel so completely and utterly drained all the time,too, and so run-down fatigued every day, so faint and sleepy it feels like something’s just sucked all the life and energy out of me, and I really do wonder if maybe I have some sort of cancer they haven’t found yet, or maybe it really is kidney failure?

I also like the movie quote from Black Mass that Whitey Bulger said, “If nobody saw it, it didn’t happen” (even though God sees everything and you can’t hide from Him) and from the movie Moonlight how the older mentor was explaining to the boy that in his kitchen no one ever sits with their back to the door, so that no one can sneak up on you from behind and you can see them coming, and I realized that I’ve always done this instintively myself my whole life,subconsciously, without even being aware of it; sitting at the table, or in the livingroom, or even the way my head’s positioned in bed; I never have my back to the door but I’m always facing it! My life and traumas have taught me to always be on guard: for enemies, for attack, for battle, to flee, for danger, to fear,to run,to hide, to expect the unexpected, for emergencies, for betrayal, I never feel like I can ever fully let go and relax or let my guard down. It’s like I’m always living in this constant state of alert.It’s like I’m always in survival mode.