Autistic.

Screen Shot 03-13-17 at 09.04 AM Having Asperger’s puts me on the Spectrum as it’s just a form of  higher-functioning autism.With it comes certain autistic “traits”,and one of them I have is this “thing” I almost constantly do with my fingers the professions would call a “stimming behaviour”, something that is stimulating, or soothing, and comforting in some way, that relieves anxiety and stress. I do it and am unaware that I’m even doing it and  just figure it must be some autistic thing because it always makes me feel shameful and embarrassed, sort of like a child who sucks their thumb, and I always have to hide my  hands ( say, in my pockets, in mitts, or something) when I’m in public and do it. My friend J, who is also a fellow Aspie, rocks back and forth as a form of comfort and reassurance as his stimming behaviour.

Screen Shot 03-13-17 at 09.03 AM 002 I have 3 or 4 different variations of it, and me, being double-jointed, I can bend and twist my fingers into some pretty interesting positions! I can remember doing it as far back as I can remember, even as a kid, it’s just been something that I’ve always done. I can remember when I was a kid,too, walking round and round in circles I thought nothing of at the time but now see as most likely an “autistic thing”, as was also hitting myself when I’d get mad, frustrated, or overwhelmed. There are other things,too, that I can’t specifically remember right now, some even maybe the most insignificant things, but that I can see now are clearly “autistic things” and have for my entire life, made me want to have to hide who I am. Even my kids make fun of it and use autism as an insult, as in, “That’s so autistic of you!” and ,”What are you, autistic?” and it makes me feel badly inside because I’ve always been this way, I’ve always had Asperger’s, I just didn’t know about it, what it was, or have a diagnosis, but I always knew that  I was different.

and I am.

As well, “Aunt Flow” finally came, 15 days late, just as I was hoping I was finally in menopause and it was gone for good and would never be back, and Buddy really missed me when I was away overnight the other night,too as last night he stayed pressed up right next to me  all night, and the second-oldest and the 20 YR old are going to Iceland together in December to see the Northern Lights, and when I said the Splatoon squid swimming up the screen  looks like little sperm swimming up the 9 YR old goes, “Why does your mind have to think like that?”and when I explained to him the reason Buddy will growl when he’s sitting with me and if anyone comes up too close to me is that I’m his owner and  he’s protecting and defending me,  and then he goes, But aren’t you sort of my owner, too?