Screen Shot 03-19-17 at 03.59 PM 001 Several of my friends I went to school with are already grandparents now, and some even have more than 1 grandchild,too! This makes me feel really old! I am 50, so technically I am old enough to be a grandmother, and my oldest turns 28 later this YR,and I had him when I was 22, but so far no grandkids,and I’m not in any hurry for it, nor am I looking forward to it. Most people say they can’t wait to have grandkids, but me…..not so much. I had enough trouble with my own kids; all the stress, anxiety, worry, fear, and sleepless nights that they put me thru,esp. gruelling for someone like me who has an anxiety disorder to begin with, I don’t want to go thru it all over again with my grandkids, plus now I’m older I don’t have the patience to put up with all the crap from kids like I did when I was younger,either.

Now I’m retired I want a break from kids,too, plus I don’t want to be like my own mother, either, and end up a meddling and over-stepping boundaries with my grandkids.In fact, it was once I had my own kids that our relationship really deteriorated. All in all, not an experience I’m eager for,and one that I will just have to grin and bear I suppose when the time comes( unless I die before then, which is what I’m hoping) but most of my kids wisely said they’re not going to have kids,anyway,seeing how much trouble they are( and what they’ve put me thru) so maybe I won’t even have to worry about it, or perhaps the ones that do will live far away and it won’t be an issue I’ll have to deal with,anyway, and with my Asperger’s, bipolar, etc. I’m also worried that my grandkids will copy my kids and end up treating me like shit,too,and I can’t take any more of that. I just want to cut myself off from my family and start over, to start fresh and have a new life where I can be happy, away from the toxic environment that’s killing me.

As well, I finally found the movie A United Kingdom downloaded that I’ve been wanting to watch for some 3 weeks now and the weird thing is that I had a dream the night before that I would find it the next day…and I did, and the 13 YR old mocked me listening to Drake as well saying I “think I’m cool” but it has nothing to do with being cool or not; I just like the music and I listen to what I like,and the 9 YR old playing Minecraft  he made it look like an ISIS training version or something as he kept killing people, blowing up their homes,and set fire to an entire village; it was very disturbing,and we’re lucky in the sense with our kids they’ve never had any problems with drugs, sex, gangs, or the police, but some of them do have some serious mental health issues which is probably even worse in a way as it tends to be life-long and genetic!