Pondering For Today.

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Fix Yourself Up.

Screen Shot 04-10-17 at 08.23 AM The other day the 22 YR old and I were talking about some asshole-ly thing my hubby did to him and I’d said, Now you know what I’ve have to put up with for the past 29 YRS! and he said, But that was your choice, I was just born into it! and I explained to him that I really didn’t have much of a choice when he was the only one that was ever interested in me and that I had limited options; him or no one,and that guys aren’t exactly lining up for ugly girls with Asperger’s and then he goes I could make more options if I fix myself up.

Fix myself up. That’s exactly what my old friend G(who I was really attracted to but he only liked me as a friend) used to say. Those exact words. Fix yourself up. Those exact words that I keep hearing my entire life, and it’s not like I don’t try.do, but you can only do so much. I do the best I can with what I have, but let’s face it, I’m really limited here, and don’t have much to work with,and short of endless wealth and the world’s best skilled plastic surgeons I’m never going to be pretty, but I do my best with hairstyles, make-up, suntan, manicured nails, my unique personal sense of style, etc. and it hurts that I’m frequently being told to fix myself up as if I’m not even bothering to make an effort in my appearance or even trying. I am, but when you have a big long flabby face and manly, masculine uneven features it’s next to impossible to ever look good.

I’ve always been one of the guys as well, and I’ve generally had more guy friends than girls, hung out with the guys and been accepted as one of their own, and they see me as part of the gang, and  like their little sister or something but never like a girlfriend material, so maybe that has something to do with it as well; they didn’t see me as a girl, and G also told me I should be more feminine,too, and comments like that really hurt as they are stinging reminders that I’m not attractive or desirable like other women and that I don’t attract mates easily like they do, and it just makes me feel even more inadequate,inferior, worthless, a failure, unlovable, rejected, criticized, and unacceptable. No matter what I do it’s never good enough and nothing ever works.

As well, I thought I was having a heart attack last night; I woke up at 1 am and I had these really bad sharp, squeezing, tight chest pains so bad I couldn’t even turn over in bed or move, and they lasted for awhile,too, so I instinctively reached over for Buddy in case I was dying,and said my prayers and just waited for the inevitable and fell back asleep….but then they went away…so whatever…and “Aunt Flow” also came 6 days early again, the same as last time and it’s really bad this time,too, the cramps and the bleeding, and after I’d had weed(which eased my cramps,too!) it was an impossible task as well to try and find 2 chicken strips I had saved in a bag for the 13 YR old’s lunch, and it took me a good 30 minutes to locate it I was so spaced out! 😀

The Sickness.

Screen Shot 04-28-17 at 07.04 PM With the mental illness that both the 13 YR old and the 19 YR old have they both share similar characteristics such as self-harm, suicidal tendencies, distorted thinking, and irrational thoughts, incl. wrongly thinking that no one loves them and everyone hates them(which isn’t true as we care about them, and me so much so I’ve become sick with worry over them, don’t sleep well, have lost 30 pounds due to stress, and most of my hair has turned completely grey now from worry and stress) to which the 17 YR old thoughtfully responded to me, You think the same thing,too; it’s just the sickness. Only in my case though it’s actually true; I know my family hates me by the way they treat me as actions speak louder than words and if they loved me they wouldn’t constantly put me down, degrade, belittle, berate, criticize, devalue, dismiss, mock,exclude, and bully me or push me away, but it did get me thinking, what she said though: how much of my thoughts are distorted,too and how can I tell the difference?

How much of what I think, believe, interpret, understand, process, and reason is distorted by the sickness of mental illness? If only I had known ahead of time that I had it; I knew about the depression(but not that it was genetic) and social phobia but not about the Asperger’s and bipolar until just a few YRS ago when I was diagnosed but if I had known earlier, before I had kids, and that it could be passed on to them and they could inherit my crazy I never would have had kids because there’s no way I’d want them to suffer like this, like I do, and like how I now see some of them struggling. With two parents with mental health issues I guess they never really had a chance, but I didn’t know until after they’d all already been born and by then it was already too late, their DNA was in place and the damage had already been done,but I feel so guilty for unknowingly inflicting such pain on them and I hope they can forgive me because I had no idea.

As well, they’ve put the house next door up for over 400 00$ even though the renovations aren’t even up to code and that’s expensive for this area,too, and if that’s what they’re selling for that house I wonder what we could get for ours now in comparison; a 7 bedroom with 3 floors on 1 1/2 lots with an inground pool and fenced-in yard and central A/C…my mother was also complaining when I told her not to eat all the food as the 13 YR old needs it the most for her recovery and I added that I help pay for the groceries so I do have some say and she hissed, Not much of your $$$$ goes for groceries! Your $$$$ mostly pays the hydro, gas,and water bills!  regardless, 80% of my $$$$$ is to provide for my family and then 10% goes to tithing and 10% for my own personal needs such as tampons, shampoo, deoderant,hair dye,etc… I don’t have much $$$$ but the majority of what I do get I give to family expenses regardless how much she tries to downgrade and dismiss it so she can just kiss my ass!

Setback.

Screen Shot 04-27-17 at 11.08 AM I found out a couple of saddening things that indicate a setback with the 13 YR old with her eating disorder treatment. It breaks my heart to see her continue to struggle like this, esp. when it appeared she was progressing and coming along so well. I won’t go into too many details but I can tell you that she still continues to cut herself, that she never stopped and has been lying this entire time when she said that she did, and I found a few more disturbing things hidden in her room that are concerning,and she also said she hates me and blames me for giving birth to her, even though having her was one of the best things that happened to me and she’s the girl that I’ve always wanted, dreamed of and hoped for! It really hurts me to see her struggling like this and I also feel badly and guilty that they( the kids) “inherited” my crazy..if I had only known earlier I never would have had kids.

It would appear that her cutting is like a compulsion, or an addiction, or something and that she just can’t stop it, and of course my hubby’s in denial, but I hope in time she can still recover, and she is doing better physically and health wise, so that’s still progress, and I know there will be some setbacks,steps backwards, and some bad days and some struggles, but hopefully eventually her mind can also be healed and this illness won’t always have a hold over her and she can make a full recovery and she can one day look back on this as just a temporary struggle she was able to overcome and put behind her, and notlife-long battle.

Screen Shot 04-27-17 at 01.36 PM My mother also scared me by saying So, what do they do, take the kids away then and put them into foster care and have someone else look after them if they’re not gaining enough weight, or what? (She’s always saying  horrible things to scare me and put scary thoughts in my head)what if they really doI never even thought of that! She’s so selfish and only thinks about herself,too, such as eating all the fruitcups when the 13 YR old needs them for her nutrition and re-feeding program and she needs them alot more than my mother does and her health and recovery is more important, and I also needed my hubby to help me find a file on my computer ( that was hidden under something like 8 steps to retrieve and I didn’t know where it was and I’d never be able to find it on my own) that I needed to send to the eating disorders clinic about the 13 YR old and my mother snatched him up needing him to help her get her TV show set up for her to watch first, even though that can wait and the well-being of the 13 YR old is more important and actually a priority, and she stomps, But I don’t want to wait! She really is a piece of work!