Daily Thought.

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I’m Baaaccckk!

Screen Shot 05-31-17 at 08.45 AM 001Cuba, Part One.

I’m back, and I chronicled my Cuba trip all week in a journal I brought with me, writing it all down, and bit by bit I will be posting it here, in segments.

Day One

Hello from Cuba!The flight was 3 1/2 HRS and really bad turbulence and it almost felt like a crash landing, all lights off, in total darkness, landing with a loud, hard, Thud! and Thump! in a thunderstorm, quickly accelerating before finally slowing down and stopping. It was very rough and I’ve never had one like that before( although I did have an emergency landing in London once but that’s another story) and I’ve been on lots of flights and I’ve never had a landing like that!

The immigration official in Cuba was hot(as in sexy) as well, and it made me so nervous, which is never a good thing to be at Passport Control as it makes you look suspicious( and I always feel like a criminal passing thru anyway, even though I never did anything wrong, it’s just so nerve-wracking) and it surprised me they never stamped our passports, either( although maybe he did stamp my immigration card, I’m not sure, I don’t really remember) and I was scared as well that the drug-sniffing dog they had milling around might pick up on the weed scent I worried still might be in my backpack from when I used to have weed in there before(which of course I didn’t bring with me) but it was ok.

I didn’t get to the resort until after 10 pm so I was really tired and hungry,and I plan every day at the beach, in seclusion and solitude, away from all the activities and crowds, trying to get my “mojo” back, and I was so cramped on the flight too with no leg room my knees were practically folded up right up against my chest so I’ll probably end up with blood clots in my legs from lack of circulation or something! Ugh! On the way back I decided I’m going to pay the extra 30$ for the extra leg-room!

I’m Outta Here, Suckers!

Screen Shot 05-21-17 at 06.05 PM I can’t believe that tonight I’ll be in Cuba! My flight should be boarding around 4:20….ha,ha….my fave. time! My hubby says I won’t be coming back, and hopefully that’s true; I wish I didn’t have to come back, that I die peacefully on the beach, in my Happy Place, the last day of the trip, but if I don’t, at least I’ll come back a bit more refreshed and better able to deal with the stress and chaos that awaits me. He also joked I’ll be meeting with terrorists so I replied, No, with revoluntionaires!  It described my room at the resort as a deluxe balcony with terrace as well and said at the spa at the resort I can even bathe in chocolate. Oh, mercy, YES! I am soooooo ready for this!

One of the last things the 10 YR old also said to me was, Shut up you ugly mother, you and your dying dog! and that’s exactly the thing I have to get away from, and why I need a vacation and have to “recharge”. I lost my Mojo and have to get my groove back. In the fantasy book I’m writing in my head the character, after yet another failed suicide attempt, a bereft middle-age woman who is miserably unhappy, goes to a secluded Cuban paradise to find solace and solitude  also ends up finding romance where she meets her soulmate, a noble European, and she goes back with him to Europe ,starting a new life, finding happiness and love at long last, and never looks back….but in reality, in actual life, it’ll play out more like this, and all I’ll really do is spend all week at the beach, being One with the ocean, finding peace and getting away from it all for awhile(,with possibly the most “daring” thing I might do is have actual rum in a pina colada or something) only to return once again when the week is over to my unhappy, unfulfilling, stressful, pathetic life.

See you in a week! Hasta la vista! Adios, amigos!!

The Vigil.

Screen Shot 05-21-17 at 08.39 AM I almost feel like I was holding a vigil last night: when I got up to pee at 3 am I checked on the 14 YR old like I always do and I saw her sit up in bed and then quickly lie back down when she saw me and then shortly after she was up in the bathroom and then locked the bedroom door behind her, raising my suspicion, fearful that maybe she had taken pills or something, on high alert, so I quickly picked the lock and went in to check on her and she said she was fine( but what else  is she going to say though? It’s not like she’d actually tell me,anyway) so for the rest of the night every half hour I kept going in to check in on her, just to make sure that she was ok, still conscious and responsive and not showing signs of OD like slipping into a coma or seizures, and she was ok, so I guess she really did just go to the bathroom, but with her history and suicide risk I can’t be too  careful and I have to be vigilant. She said it was “annoying” and I’m “obsessed” with her, but I’m just doing my job, taking care of her, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if she had taken something and I just went back to sleep and didn’t keep checking and she died; I wouldn’t be able to live with that! How could someone ever have that on their conscience?

Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep, or the night before from checking on Buddy,either( who still yelps in pain a few times a day) so I’m really tired and feel like a prisoner of war being sleep deprived and it seems to be Buddy’s spine giving him trouble again causing the pain, common in Dachshunds, esp. as they age, they get slipped discs and things and I remember his previous owner mentioning it and how they’d said he may need surgery but it cost 3000$ and he said he can’t afford it and was just going to put him down……we can’t afford it either( we can’t even afford veterinary care; we’re like those uninsured people in USA that can’t afford medical treatment, so we just have to wait it out,pray, and hope for the best) but I could never do that; I would never kill my best friend! I couldn’t live with myself.It’s up to God when the time of death occurs, not up to us. I’d just make him comfortable in his last days(palliative care) and love him to the end. It’s not fatal though, although he can end up paralyzed, so I’d have to carry him everywhere but if I have to I will because that’s what love does. The kids and my hubby taunt me that he’s going to die,too, just to get me upset, anxious,panicky,and to play on my fears(and now I’m scared when I come back from my trip he’ll be gone, or even that my hubby had him euthanized or something, esp. since one time when I was out of the country he sold my Pug and never told me and when I got back my dog was gone) but I hope not, I’d just be shattered, he’s the only one that loves me and if he’s gone then I have nothing to come back to. I’d lose my best friend,too. 😦

My hubby and the kids also call me a “druggie” even though I only use my medically prescribed marijuana twice a week for my migraines, so that hardly makes me a “druggie”, but they just like to use everything they can to put me down and degrade me, and at 4 am I got this sudden urge to throw up as well followed by this intense blinding headache only it wasn’t a migraine; it felt different and I wondered if I might even be having a stroke or an aneurysm so I staggered back to bed and then it went away, but I wonder what it was? Maybe it was a sudden spike in BP from stress or something even? Maybe I even have a brain tumour or something, which might also explain my seizures, memory lapses, forgetfulness, and brain “fog?” “Aunt Flow” also came last night, right in time for my trip. Doesn’t it figure? Just my “luck!”

I can’t believe I’ll be in Cuba tomorrow as well!  I wonder if this is the wonderful thing that  is about to happen like I had in that “revelation” awhile back, although I had the impression that it was something much bigger, more life-altering, although it still may be connected in some way, who knows, and I’ll soon be digging my toes in the sand, floating in the azure blue waters, laying under a palm tree and washing sea salt out of my butt crack! This will also bring it up to 36 countries that I’ve been to  and I’ve always wanted to go to Cuba, given it’s fascinating history,too. Viva la revolution!