We have all been conditioned by our past and our past affects our present and our future, be it for good or for bad, and the experiences we have had mould us into the person that we have become and in a way define who we are and how we relate to everything. I was thinking about this and how my own past dictates who I am and what I do even to this day, for example, due to my past I am very mistrustful, suspicious,and paranoid. I don’t trust anyone and I am very guarded, secretive, insulated, and private and I don’t “warm” to people easily or open up to people easily. I also am hesitant to believe people, I am very observant, notice slight detail, can sense danger or if something’s “off”, have this unnatural fear of getting shot, never sit with my back to the door, know how to pick locks, think that being convinced that someone(my hubby) trying to poison me isn’t really that unusual or surprising or unexpected, am always looking over my shoulder, always look to see if anyone is following me, never give my real address, always use a pseudonym, screen-name or alias, think nothing unusual about name changes or having several passports, assume it’s normal that everyone has relatives that are members of, let’s just say, nefarious organizations, don’t trust the authorities, hiding is my second-nature, etc… I have been “conditioned” to certain things and living and surviving a certain way and it never really leaves you; it stays embedded into your mind and your psyche forever and just becomes a part of you that you just can’t leave behind, even if you try to move forward.
As well, the 21 YR old is up for a visit, when my mother fell asleep on the couch napping her breathing sounded like Darth Vader, evidence of flooding was everywhere going to Kingston, along the highways we could see it flooded in farmlands, fields, ditches, hoses running out of people’s homes to drain out their flooded basements, and roads were even closed due to flooding, and driving back home from the hospital on the highway we were caught in a torrential rain storm, it was like driving in a blizzard, only rain instead of snow, and you couldn’t even see the car in front of you! It was brutal and intense!
It’s also the 13 YR old’s birthday today so she’s now 14,and we were hoping she wouldn’t have to spend it in the hospital but she’s still there, and she did the second half of her cognitive test and also did well, and we went over her “safety plan” for when she does come home, so she and us know what her stressors and triggers are and how to deal with them before they get out of hand, and the 15 YR old also came to visit her and they played board games but I just watched as I find them boring, and someone there said I have a Russian accent too and lots of people have told me that I have an accent but I don’t think I do, at least I don’t see it. The 14 YR old also says she wants to move; that she doesn’t like Bumble-F*ck (who can blame her?) because there’s nothing to do here and they don’t have the dance and drama classes like she wants and there’s so many rednecks and losers in this town, and on the way home I saw this car that had these cool purple tail lights,too, and if I had a car that’s what I’d get: purple tail lights on a pink SmartCar! Because I always have to be the different one that stands out from the crowd.
And for laughs here’s also a picture of my hubby goofing around at the mall with a mannequin.