Shocked!

Screen Shot 05-09-17 at 03.47 PM I’m shocked! I learned a recent revelation, yet another secret that everyone else apparantly knew that my family kept hidden from me for the past 2 years : the 21 YR old has an eating disorder,too, and was even in residential treatment and is still currently in outpatient treatment! Well, f*ck me, that’s sure a hell of a big thing to keep hidden from me! I feel so shocked, so hurt, so mad, so left out, so excluded, and so betrayed. No one ever tells me anything! Apparantly it stared when she went away to university, and I know she’s a vegetarian and she’s always been a “picky” eater, never eaten alot, and she’s always been thin( all the kids are) but I had no idea. The “good” of it is at least she’s been there so she can encourage the 14 YR old and show her that there is hope and recovery. I wonder what other secrets my family’s also keeping from me? Is anyone gay,perhaps, or engaged, or pregnant….anything else I should know about ( since I am the mother and if something’s wrong with or going on with my kids I should know about it and do have the right to know)…..????

The way it all unfolded and was revealed was this: the 21 YR old came up to see the 14 YR old for her birthday and it was a surprise visit; she never knew she was coming, so we brought her up with us to see her in the hospital and we also checked her out for a few HRS so she could go to her weekly session at the eating disorders clinic and the 21 YR old came along,too( she also happens to be studying psychology at university and just finished her second YR) and she ended up “hijacking” the therapy session and somehow ended up making it all about her instead of the 14 YR old and it was revealed about her eating disorder and I was just floored….I mean, what a way to find out, to hear such shocking news and I was just so…..unprepared for it, and that’s not all…..then she starts going into this tearful tirade about what a horrible mother I was and recalled “events” from her childhood of all these supposed awful things that I said or did that I don’t even remember….because they never even happened, they’re false memories, either that, or maybe someone else did it and she mistakenly thought it was me,such as insulting her freckles; I know for a fact I didn’t because I think freckles on a kid are cute, but I was being falsely accused and then they all blamed me and ganged-up on me and said it was my fault and I felt so attacked…I was just gutted, and spent, and everything else….and then another knife in my heart is she said she doesn’t even want a relationship with me; she won’t even try.

I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. I’m sick of my crazy family. I’m tired of always being the “bad guy” and of always being blamed for everything, being told everything’s always my fault, being left out and excluded, for being told what a bad mother I am, for being such a failure at everything, for being falsely accused of things I never did and didn’t do, being devalued and dismissed,being hated, rejected, unwanted and unloved, and if I ever did anything to ruin the kids(even if it’s just my existance or my conditions, traumas or damage) whether real or imagined, I never meant to and I feel so guilty, so sorry, and despite my Asperger’s and the challenges it presents(incl. in parenting) I really did try and did the best with what I had even if it wasn’t very much..

Sometimes I just want to give up and let go, tired of all this and I just want it all to end and for it to all just be over. It never ends. My family has broken me. My kids have destroyed me. My life has shattered me. Yet other times I think, Don’t let them break you.  You can’t change the past; what’s done is done,you can’t undo the past, but you can move forward, you can change, and try to repair the damage. I play with it back and forth, over and over in my mind, and it’s a battle over who will win….should I just end it once and for all,and especially  if they think I’m the problem then if I remove myself from the equation then I’d be doing them all a favour and they’d be better off, or is there something left still worth holding on for?

As well, the 14 YR old said at the unit (psych ward) she’s heard screaming during the night that’s woken her up, and they’ve had several escapes,too, and my back and legs are really sore now as well from picking the dandilions and I’m just wiped-out exhausted and drained physically and emotionally as well from driving up to Kingston every day for the past week (or was it even longer?) to visit the 14 YR old as well, it’s really taking a heavy toll on me and I’m just spent, and I was already running on empty…… 😦