Last Night.

Screen Shot 05-10-17 at 09.04 AM I tried once again to end it last night. But it didn’t work.Yet again. I had fully resolved that was it and I was going to finally end my miserable life where my family hates and mistreats me, where my kids hate and rebuff me,where I’m always blamed for everything, where I’m always being pushed away,treated like the villian,left out,ridiculed, dismissed, ignored, or just generally treated like shit. It’s also just soooooo overwhelming now with the eating disorders with two of the kids now, plus the 19 YR old’s mental illness as well and his previous suicide attempts,and that topped off with all the traumas of my past( too many to list them all here and others too personal) that hold on tight with an iron grip and refuse to let go, bringing with them their own damaged baggage, it’s all just too much. I simply have run out of gas. I have no more resources left. I am a broken vessel. My ship has taken on too much water and I’m sinking.

My family has torn me to pieces like wolves, and my life has shredded any hope of any improvement in the future at any point, and with the kids’ issues and our crazy family it’s just too much and I’ve had enough and have reached my breaking point. There’s nothing left of me anymore. Sadly for me though, I can’t even kill myself properly; I took a whack-load of left-over opiates from surgery and even crushed them up for full maximum effect…..laid down in bed with Buddy cuddling next to me, listened to music, said my prayers, closed my eyes to go to sleep and prepared to wake up on the other side…..but NOTHING! Boy, what I ever mad when I still woke up in the morning and I was still here. I have nothing to live for(besides Buddy) : no one loves me, I’m unloved, unwanted, rejected, unimportant, don’t matter, am a failure at everything I do, ridiculed, useless, etc.and I was really mad to wake up and find out that I wasn’t dead, and said to myself, F*ck! I’m still here? God, why didn’t you take me?

I believe that you don’t die until it’s your time, and my several suicide attempts prove that theory, and they weren’t “watered-down” or half-ass attempts or just a cry for help not really wanting to die either,I took alot of pills, and the right ones,too, as last night, for example, I never told anyone my plan; I just silently went about my business and did it, I knew which pills to take and how many, and I hid the pill bottle,too; it just didn’t work, just like nothing ever works for me! I can’t even kill myself properly I’m such a loser!  So then,, what plan does God have still left for me and my life then, since He refuses to take me now and it’s not my time and I only survived it( and without any side-effects,either!) by the Grace of God.

So where am I going now?