After 10 days in the hospital on the child and youth psych ward the 14 YR old is now finally home! I’m so relieved, as going back and forth all the way to Kingston every day was just physically and emotionally exhausting and I was just so gutted from the therapy session the other day that the day after I couldn’t even go see her, I just didn’t have it in me, compounded by the fact that even on her birthday she wouldn’t even let me give her a hug and it was all just too much, leaving me feeling attacked and rejected, plus overwhelmed with stress, and I needed a break. We had a discharge meeting with us, 6 people from the ward, and 2 of the eating disorders people in on a conference call. I’m glad she’s home at last but worried,too; at least in the hospital I knew she was safe; there was no way she could hurt or kill herself there, but now she’s back home there are more opportunities to do so, even though we will still be watching her like a hawk…
The 17 YR old also found out where she’s been getting all the razors from despite me locking up all of our razors: she’s been ordering them from Russia and they arrive in the mail, even though she denied it and said it was the 22 YR old but he said it wasn’t him, so now we;ll also have to intercept her mail when it arrives,too, to “weed out” anything harmful, and we have all the medications and sharp things locked away in a box with a combination lock only I can never do those things and I always need someone else (only my mother, my hubby and I know the combo) to do it for me as it never works for me,and it reminds me of when I started grade 7 and I had to practice all summer getting my combination lock open because it’s that hard for me.Life is hard when you’re stupid.
We also went down this street in Kingston named Albert St. and I just love the old brick Victorian-style houses there and I can even see us living on that street as I feel God increasingly calling us to move to Kingston, so it will be interesting to see if anything comes out of it, and I bought artificial sunflowers at the Dollar Store to keep in my bedroom as well, with the hope that sometime I’ll find real ones, and I’ve been so out of focus all week too that I thought it was Wednesday for 3 days in a row!
I tried to kill myself again last night,too, since it didn’t work the other night, and I even took Zofran before the other pills, to ensure I wouldn’t vomit them up, and I took a shitload of Oxycontin, and I lay down with Buddy, listening to my music, looking at my sunflower painting on my wall….but nothing happened….I just fell asleep and then woke up…pissed off I was still here. There’s no reason why it shouldn’t have worked though, other than my mother saying It’s not your time, but why hasn’t God taken me yet? I’m done, I have nothing left, I can’t do this anymore. What possible reason is He still keeping me around for, what purpose can He possibly have for keeping me alive? What plan does He have for my life? My brother-in-law also scolded me to grow up, etc. but he obviously has no idea what it’s like, and being critical like that is not helpful. I’m also still loopy and spacey all day today,too, left-over from the pills, and I even slept in late, until 7 :30 and I’m walking around in a “fog” all day and when I fell asleep on the couch my mother wasn’t able to wake me up!
Something funny about Buddy too: I was watching the Criminal Minds season finale on TV and I kept hearing a dog barking and it sounded like it was outside,and then I remembered, Where’s Buddy? thinking maybe I’d accidently left him outside in the backyard(remember, I was out of focus) so I went to check and found the barking coming from the rec-room, from under the desk….so I looked…..and there he was stuck in a box! It was one of those big tall Rubbermaid boxes,too, like the kind we put the Christmas decorations in, so I guess he somehow got in but was unable to get back out so I lifted him out( after laughing my ass off) and rescued him.Poor little guy. I imagine life is tough when you have short little stubby legs.