Not Your Problem!

Screen Shot 05-12-17 at 12.28 PM I can still hear the scolding berating words the social worker kept  hurling at me at the session the other day whenever I’d bring up any concern for the kids: It’s not your problem! as she would shake her hand at me and point her finger at me accusingly, but just because the kids  get older,grow up, move away from home, go off to university, etc. doesn’t mean that I stop being a mother, that I stop worrying about them, stop caring about them, stop wanting what’s best for them, stop caring about their health, happiness, and well-being, or stop caring to know what’s happening with them or in their lives, so in a way it will always sort of be my problem because once they grow up and move out I don’t just all of a sudden stop caring or stop being a mother. I must note as well that she doesn’t have any kids, so she doesn’t know what it’s really like to have kids, to be a mother, or the challenges of parenting, but it made me feel so attacked, so berated, so scolded, blamed, and so attacked. They also want the 15 YR old to join in on the next session as well but if they’re just going to use it to blame everything on me and gang-up on me again then I’m through; I won’t be going to any more sessions; they’re already gruelling and emotionally taxing as it is, but  I’m not going to go there every week just to be torn apart ,blamed,and put down; it’s not good for my own emotional well-being and I won’t go there just to be beaten down every week.

As for whatever I may have done, real or imagined, I apologize, and if I really am such a bad mother and such a horrible person then I don’t deserve to live,anyway, and it shocked me when the 21 YR old disclosed that the kids are so competitive that they even compete who’s the sickest, I suppose in some twisted effort to get the most attention, as when someone’s sick they get the most attention( because they need it the most at the time) and everyone rallies around them, even travelling great distances to be with them, and I wonder too if maybe she might even have Munchausen Syndrome, where people enjoy being sick or pretend to be sick or even make themselves sick on purpose in a bid for attention…..I wouldn’t put it past her, esp. given all her false allegations against me and I wonder too if that’s maybe even the reason why the 14 YR old turned against me, esp. when before we used to be very close; perhaps the 21 YR old has been telling her lies about me, making up all these stories of horrible stuff she said I did and poisoned her against me?

I also notice as well the 14 YR old’s now even more distant since she came home from the hospital and she’s rude and disrespectful to every question I ask her and everything I say to her,for example, now she’s 14 she’s allowed to dye her hair, so she dyed her medium brown hair a darker “chestnut” brown and all I asked her was if she could use 1 bottle or had to use 2 bottle with her long hair, and she sniffed, More than you! (because with my ultra-short Buzz-cut I only need half a bottle) and also huffed, Why do you care? and she has that attitude with everything, and no matter how hard I try to bond with them, show any interest, include myself in their little circle, make small talk, use some light-hearted humour, or engage them in any way they just rebuff me and push me out.It’s like I live in a houseful of hostile strangers.

My hubby took the kids(except for the 10 YR old) to an Escape Room with the Nintendo Zelda theme in Toronto for the weekend so I get a nice quiet relaxing time at home(which I really need, believe me,) and I really need to get away and go back to the Caribbean and just spend time on the beach and in the ocean where I was happy and can just relax and get away from my toxic family and the stress of my life, perhaps to a resort in Jamaica or Cuba, but first I need $$$$$ so I’m going to try and sell my Pug figurine collection to raise $$$$ and I have at least 2 dozen pieces, maybe even closer to 50, ranging in sizes small up to large, with many Sandicast pieces,with even the small ones costing 50$, and if I’m lucky and a serious collector wants to buy the set maybe I can get 2000$….. both my hubby and mother shot it down and said no way, always trying to burst my bubble and kill my dreams, but I can at least try,and who knows……

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