The Vigil.

Screen Shot 05-21-17 at 08.39 AM I almost feel like I was holding a vigil last night: when I got up to pee at 3 am I checked on the 14 YR old like I always do and I saw her sit up in bed and then quickly lie back down when she saw me and then shortly after she was up in the bathroom and then locked the bedroom door behind her, raising my suspicion, fearful that maybe she had taken pills or something, on high alert, so I quickly picked the lock and went in to check on her and she said she was fine( but what else  is she going to say though? It’s not like she’d actually tell me,anyway) so for the rest of the night every half hour I kept going in to check in on her, just to make sure that she was ok, still conscious and responsive and not showing signs of OD like slipping into a coma or seizures, and she was ok, so I guess she really did just go to the bathroom, but with her history and suicide risk I can’t be too  careful and I have to be vigilant. She said it was “annoying” and I’m “obsessed” with her, but I’m just doing my job, taking care of her, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if she had taken something and I just went back to sleep and didn’t keep checking and she died; I wouldn’t be able to live with that! How could someone ever have that on their conscience?

Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep, or the night before from checking on Buddy,either( who still yelps in pain a few times a day) so I’m really tired and feel like a prisoner of war being sleep deprived and it seems to be Buddy’s spine giving him trouble again causing the pain, common in Dachshunds, esp. as they age, they get slipped discs and things and I remember his previous owner mentioning it and how they’d said he may need surgery but it cost 3000$ and he said he can’t afford it and was just going to put him down……we can’t afford it either( we can’t even afford veterinary care; we’re like those uninsured people in USA that can’t afford medical treatment, so we just have to wait it out,pray, and hope for the best) but I could never do that; I would never kill my best friend! I couldn’t live with myself.It’s up to God when the time of death occurs, not up to us. I’d just make him comfortable in his last days(palliative care) and love him to the end. It’s not fatal though, although he can end up paralyzed, so I’d have to carry him everywhere but if I have to I will because that’s what love does. The kids and my hubby taunt me that he’s going to die,too, just to get me upset, anxious,panicky,and to play on my fears(and now I’m scared when I come back from my trip he’ll be gone, or even that my hubby had him euthanized or something, esp. since one time when I was out of the country he sold my Pug and never told me and when I got back my dog was gone) but I hope not, I’d just be shattered, he’s the only one that loves me and if he’s gone then I have nothing to come back to. I’d lose my best friend,too. 😦

My hubby and the kids also call me a “druggie” even though I only use my medically prescribed marijuana twice a week for my migraines, so that hardly makes me a “druggie”, but they just like to use everything they can to put me down and degrade me, and at 4 am I got this sudden urge to throw up as well followed by this intense blinding headache only it wasn’t a migraine; it felt different and I wondered if I might even be having a stroke or an aneurysm so I staggered back to bed and then it went away, but I wonder what it was? Maybe it was a sudden spike in BP from stress or something even? Maybe I even have a brain tumour or something, which might also explain my seizures, memory lapses, forgetfulness, and brain “fog?” “Aunt Flow” also came last night, right in time for my trip. Doesn’t it figure? Just my “luck!”

I can’t believe I’ll be in Cuba tomorrow as well!  I wonder if this is the wonderful thing that  is about to happen like I had in that “revelation” awhile back, although I had the impression that it was something much bigger, more life-altering, although it still may be connected in some way, who knows, and I’ll soon be digging my toes in the sand, floating in the azure blue waters, laying under a palm tree and washing sea salt out of my butt crack! This will also bring it up to 36 countries that I’ve been to  and I’ve always wanted to go to Cuba, given it’s fascinating history,too. Viva la revolution!