Dear God, please help me heal from my brokenness that all the trauma, pain, hurt, and abuse in my life has caused me, and esp. for the way my family treats me that makes me feel so inadequate, stupid, inept, unwanted, rejected, unloved, devalued,insignificant, inferior,small, worthless, and useless. It really hurts my heart and crushes my spirit. Please help me to be strong.
Dear God, please help the 14 YR old to recover and heal, but also at the same time to realize that no matter what may have happened to her and no matter what she’s dealing with that it still doesn’t give her the right to be mean and to treat me the way she does, esp. when I’m the one that loves her the most and I’m just trying to help her.
Dear God, I pray that I find happiness and love in life, that it’s never too late.
Dear God, I pray for health, happiness,and safety for my family, and that my kids never settle in life like I did and that they marry for love and have a happier marriage and family life than I did.
Dear God, I ask that my sins be forgiven and that I am worthy of Heaven. I pray that you can be forgiving and that my family will be more patient, understanding,tolerant,and sympathetic with me and my medical issues and limitations and realize that I’m not this horrible person that they seem to think I am and hate; that I’m just broken, just flawed, just human, but I am trying,and that I have good intentions and I mean well, things just don’t work out so well for me.
Dear God, I pray for peace,and for an end to war, terrorism, discrimination, hate, poverty, oppression,and injustice.
Dear God, I pray for healing for those who are sick, those who are suffering from mental illness, addictions, who are dying, for the souls of those who have died, for those who are grieving, for those who have lost children, for those who are lonely, hurting, or struggling in any way. For all those on my prayer list.
Dear God, I pray that my kids come back to you and return to their faith.
Dear God, I pray for the Church, the Pope, for vocations, for recent converts, for lost souls to return to you, for all people of faith, and for people who are searching or lost to find You.
Dear God, I thank you for my blessings,and for always protecting and providing for me, for keeping my family and I safe and warning and guiding us and providing for our needs.
I also saw this commercial on TV which was a tourism ad for Chicago and it said, Home isn’t always where you’re from, it’s where you fit in. and that’s just sooooo me. In the Caribbean. I’ve never felt at home here. I’ve always felt like the Caribbean is my home and where I belong.
I love this chair. It’s in one of the therapist’s offices at the eating disorders clinic we take the 14 YR old to. I just shrieked with joy when I saw it and quickly claimed it as my spot for the session. It brings back so many happy nostalgic memories of my childhood in the 70’s. This one’s either bamboo or wicker and the social worker said it was a gift from her husband and that he got it at Pier One Imports which makes sense since they’re known for their wicker furniture. The one I remember from my childhood that I liked to used to curl up in and fall asleep in was also round like this although I think it might have been plastic though although I can’t be sure, and the cushion was a bright orange, either velour or velvet, I can’t remember. I also remember my colourful bean-bag chairs as well that I had and loved. I don’t currently have room in my bedroom now, but I did make a mental note that if we do move again( and my hubby and mother are talking about it and thinking about it) I will buy myself another chair like this for my room, like I had all those years ago and loved. Awww….sweet memories…..
As well, my hubby got the new Google Home device( it links up with other electronics such as your phone, TV, etc.) and adds items to your shopping list, gives you information, turns on the TV and even puts specific stuff for you, gives you weather,plays games, etc. and he’s just like a kid with a new toy. He always has to have all the newest and latest electronics and tech gadgets as soon as they come out! Me, not so much. They’re too complicated for me and they just frustrate me. I don’t even have a cell phone. All I have are the computer and the iPod. The pool guys also can’t come back until next week to fix the pool and the green murky swamp really reeks and stinks like a sewer but my hubby tried(at my suggestion) and he was able to get the pump started so at least now the water’s circulating which should help and when they come back they can put the necessary chemicals in and get the ladder and railing put up. They estimated it’ll take 15 big jugs of “shock” ( liquid chlorine) as well as all the other usual opening chemicals to get it clean, clear, and blue again!
$$$$$$$$$$$….. money pit…..money pit…
The 18 YR old also went to her BFF’s graduation last night and today she left on the train to see her BF again and is going to be spending the long Canada Day weekend with him and going to the festivities at Parliament Hill in Ottawa which worries me as with the big 150th celebration I’m worried it might be targeted for a terrorist attack, with something like half a million people there, and they tend to go for large groups, like that concert and the soccer stadium….. also he’ll be teaching at the same Cadets camp as her as well(which is where they first met,too, at Cadets camp) so they’ll be together all summer,too, which I think is so romantic and sweet and even when she goes off to school to Ottawa in the fall he lives in a town not too far from Ottawa so they’ll still be able to get to see eachother alot.
The 2 boys in Edmonton also got new jobs, and in July the 14 YR old goes to performing arts camp in Toronto and my hubby said he’s staying in Toronto most of the month with her,too, staying at the second-oldest’s place, so it will also be a break for me,too, with him gone for pretty much an entire month and not here to belittle, demean, insult, or put me down,I’ll feel so free, and also a break for a month from having to plan, prepare, serve, and monitor the 14 YR old’s meals and snacks,too, which I’ve been doing, all on my own, for the past 3 months now and it is alot of work so a little break will be nice and most welcome and appreciated.
At the 14 YR old’s app’t the other day the NP also asked her if she likes Toronto and she said she does and the NP said she doesn’t and can’t wait to get out of there as soon as possible and my hubby agreed with her saying he hates the city and I said how I love it and miss city life; that I grew up there and had a life there, and I really miss it, and my hubby snarked how you can’t do anything there and I told him I did lots of things there; O’Keefe Centre, Massey Hall, Centre Island, CNE, great shopping, restaurants, festivals, and I love and miss the diversity and culture,etc… I’ll always be a City Girl…..and he’ll always be a redneck.
Here are some photos from the 16 YR old’s epic Sweet 16 birthday party and dance that she had at the local highschool that she rented for the occasion. Everybody had fun and there wasn’t too much food left over.
The theme was pink and black and Chanel. See how nicely the tables were all decorated? It makes me think of a wedding reception. She really planned it out well and put alot of thought, planning and work into decorating and the food and everything. Sign of the times as well: notice how all 3 girls here have their phones nearby and 2 of them have them right in their hands, even at the table? Sigh….
The birthday girl!
Here is a group photo. There were actually 16 guests not incl. sisters but some people didn’t want to be in the photo so not everyone’s in here. Really freaky,too: see the girl at the front on the bottom right in the purple dress? She looks exactly like my friend Nancy when I was a kid; the exact same face, hair, eyebrows, everything; she looks just like her; it just blew me away when I saw the resemblance!
This is what our pool looks like. Like Shrek’s swamp. The pool guys came to open the pool for the season….except they couldn’t find the “bridge” or something to put up the ladder and railing and there’s no suction so they couldn’t start running the pump so the water’s not circulating and their guess is that something must be stuck somewhere, such as a plug or a dead mouse or chipmunk or something so we have to get them to come back again and “blow out” the system and somehow flush whatever’s in there out so we get suction again and the pump can work. Shit. We always have so many problems, delays,and expenses with the pool. I was hoping we would be open for business but no such luck. Even then and they put all the chemicals in and it starts to circulate thru the system it will still take a few days to a week( maybe even longer if it doesn’t work, which it probably won’t for us) for the water to clear up and get all nice and clear and blue….
We also tried having a BBQ but the coals never got white or hot enough for some reason, not even after 3 HRS so hardly anything ended up cooked, other than a few hamburgers,and all the hotdogs just got warm but the skins never got black, peeling, or blistered( the way I love,and then they’re so fun to peel before you eat) or even the char-broil lines on them, so the BBQ was a bust. My hubby just left all the food on the grill and went off to do something else too it was so slow and nothing was happening and we were all so disappointed; that was our dinner and we were hungry and really looking forward to our food! Of course he never had the sense to go get new coals and try again in case the coals were defective or wet, and I have a suspicious that he probably did something to it on purpose so it wouldn’t catch because he didn’t want to do a BBQ! (he thinks I’m paranoid…..but I’m suspicious; it’s not the same thing!)
I also wake up the past 3 days in a row with a headache and dizzy which usually means a seizure is coming, sort of like a warning, like changes in the atmosphere building up before a tornado, and the headache lingered thru the day yesterday so I took a known headache remedy to get rid of it: weed, and it worked; it was quickly gone and never came back, and I said to my mother, My thoughts are solar-powered and I think I saw a giraffe in the backyard….. and she goes, Did you have your weed today? and I said, Yeah! How did you know? I also saw somewhere that seizures can be a symptom of liver failure which makes sense in my case given my past history of liver problems as well as my high liver enzyme count every time I have my blood work and also my bad fluid retention….
This is just here because I thought it was super-cute and just had to share it. Just because it made me smile. It’s also perfect for summer.
The kids like to hide my stuff ( clothes, toiletries, etc..) just to drive me crazy as well and make me think I’m losing my mind; it’s some sort of twisted prank or head game and mindf*ck thing they do and my mother’s so obsessed with where things go in the fridge; they have to go in certain spots or she goes ape-shit,like when I put something somewhere and apparantly it wasn’t where it “should” be or where she didn’t think it should be,and she was chewing me out and I said, At least I put it back! What’s the big deal? and she shrieked Not where it belongs! Why don’t you care? and I told her, Because I’m not obsessed with it like you! It doesn’t matter. She wants me to fill out her passport application too( as her old one is expiring) simply because she doesn’t want to do it and couldn’t be bothered but I hate doing them,too, and hate gov’t forms and always have a hard time and struggle with them and almost always make mistakes and fill something out wrong and they have to return it….. and I don’t see too well,either….I’m really not the one to have do it, and then she implies that I sort of “owe” her because she does my income tax(and that’s how she works; she’ll never do anything just to be “nice”; she keeps “tabs” and you “owe” her and when she wants you to do something for her and you refuse she’ll call out that “favour” you “owe” her in return) …..except that’s only because I don’t know how; it’s too hard and complex, and I can’t do math and don’t understand it, so if she didn’t do it, it just wouldn’t get done, and it’s only for the gov’t so I don’t give a shit ,because I can’t do it, but there’s no reason she can’t do her passport re-newal, she just doesn’t want to but she is capable.