Cuba, Part Five.

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I was in the sun for 6 HRS; 3 HRS at the beach in the morning and then 3 HRS again later in the afternoon at the pool. When I was in the pool a live rock band played too and covered AC/DC, Guns & Roses, Stevie Ray Vaughn, etc. and it was amazing and I was dancing away in the water and really rocked out, letting loose and not even caring how stupid I may have looked, I just felt so free and carefree and let the music take over( I had the music in me), and I just enjoyed myself. I have this dream fantasy as well when I come home that to show that they missed me I’ll be welcomed home being greeted with a big vase of sunflowers but I doubt it,they probably don’t even realize that I’m gone, or even notice, but whatever; f*ck it.

I wonder too if I’ll ever be  me again( who I used to be before) and if it’s ok to be her again, if I’m meant to be her, supposed to be her, if God created me to be her, and wants me to be her and I should go back to being her,and maybe I will be again in Heaven, or will I be someone else entirely new? There was also a live jazz musician playing the sax at the bar so I went to see him,and for the first time since the YMCA group I feel like a real adult here, and I came all the way to Cuba by myself so maybe I am more capable than I thought and I really could live on my own, although we still can’t afford 2 residences even so….

I had my hair re-done by the barber as well and they did it in the “faded” style where it’s shaved shorter in some spots and longer in others and blends in and it looks really good,  but I’m still so ugly no matter what that even sitting alone in a bar no one tries to pick me up. Talk about depressing. Not that I would have accepted(I’m not that kind of girl) but it would have been nice to be asked.I often wonder too if my unhappy life and loveless marriage is some sort of “punishment” for something,too, but for what?

It also makes me sad seeing seeing the romantic couples here; a reminder of what I’ll never have, and what I crave the most is that human touch, connection, and contact,,and being alone is ok; it’s being lonely that’s so hard, and I have to try and convince myself that I am worthy of ,and deserve, happiness and love, and on the flight down here rubbing elbows with my seat-mate was the most physical human contact I’ve had in a long time! Most of the resort guests are from Quebec as well, some from the GTA, and a few Russians and Italians, and I heard someone say the resort’s only half full,too.