My Entire Being.

Screen Shot 06-12-17 at 08.10 AM The 14 YR old still continues to be hostile to me and yet I have no idea why and she won’t talk to me, tell me why or discuss it, so I have no idea what I may have done or what she thinks I might have done and no way to resolve it if she refuses to discuss it. She once again yelled, Stop talking! Don’t talk to me! just as she does every time I say anything,  and I asked her, What’s your problem? Why can’t I even talk to you anymore? to which she snorted, None of your business! well, it is sort of my business, and I do at least deserve an explanation as to why she’s treating me like this, freezing me out, why she’s “turned” on me, why she won’t speak to me or let me talk to her, why she’s so mouthy, hostile, disrespectful and mean to me, and when I told her, All I ever did was love you! I never did anything to you! she scoffed, Yeah, right! I just wish I knew what’s going on in her head, what she’s thinking, why she’s acting this way, as I have absolutely no idea and I deserve some answers, esp. as we used to be so close.

My hubby says I talk too much and I have to talk in short sentences to her but that, and that I’ve been told I repeat myself and keep saying the same things over annoys people so it could be that, but it’s also due to my Asperger’s,too, and I’m not even aware that I’m doing it, and I don’t think it’s fair to be blamed and hated for something I can’t help and that I have no control over, and the kids don’t blame and hate my hubby for his multiple personalities(even though when he has an “episode” and any one of the 12 different personalities comes out or he goes catatonic it’s very distressing) yet they do blame and hate me for my depression, bipolar, and Asperger’s, even though neither of us can help being what we are, yet for some reason he gets a “free pass” but I get insulted, belittled, criticized, shamed, berated, bullied, and called everything from lazystupid, and annoying  and I don’t think it’s fair or right.That’s just who I am, my entire being. They hate me for being me.

My theory? I wonder if maybe she’s taking her anger out on me and resents me because with her eating disorder I’m the one that plans out, organizes, prepares, serves, and records on her chart all her meals  in her “re-feeding” program and makes sure she eats at certain times, even though I’m just trying to help her, doing my job, out of love and concern, and my mother said When she acts like this it makes it hard to want to help her, and I also wonder if there’s something more to it as well, something deeper, that caused it all to begin with, some sort of trigger, that caused her to become so broken, damaged, to self-harm, and starve herself, to become so withdrawn and suicidal, and to completely change her personality like that; was she perhaps raped or something at Cadets camp and never told anyone or dealt with it and just kept it all inside, all to herself over the past 2 YRS or something? I mean, was there some kind of trauma she endured that she’s kept secret this whole time that might explain everything but that she refuses to talk about? If only she would talk to us and tell us what’s going on and then she can truly heal…..

As well, I’m also disillusioned from finding out so many secrets the kids have had hidden from me that I had no idea was going on in their lives; secret lives they’ve been living I was oblivious to, I was lead to believe one thing and they were actually doing completely different things, and they turned out not to be the people I thought they were which was shocking to discover and also hurt as they were keeping all these aspects of their lives hidden, such as some of them have smoked weed( and this was before my medical cannabis almost 2 YRS ago, so I’m not the “bad influence) had sex, self harmed, been suicidal, attempted suicide, have eating disorders, etc. and all this time I thought they were normal, happy, well-adjusted, good problem-free ,righteous kids that stayed out of trouble, so when I found out otherwise I was just shattered, just gutted. No one ever tells me anything and our family is so good at hiding and keeping secrets. It started off as survival, having to be secretive around other people, but I guess it became so engrained, such a part of our lives, that it’s become second-nature and now they’re even keeping secrets and hiding from us,too.

My family has destroyed me.

As well, I saw my fave. priest after Mass, and he asked me Did it wear off yet? and I had no idea what he was referring to,and at first I thought he must have meant the weed from the day before( what else could it be?) but when I asked, Did what wear off? he said my tan from Cuba and I told him, Noooo, I’m still outside to maintain it! and he told me something interesting too: he never learned to swim! So now that’s 3 people I’ve met in life that can’t swim: my mother, my hubby, and now him,too! It’s such an odd thing to me though, not knowing how to swim; I’ve always been in the water as long as I can remember, I’m like a fish, and I was already diving off the diving board when I was 6 YRS old! I can’t even imagine not being able to swim; it’s just something everyone learns how to do, and it’s basically a safety thing,too. I love the water!!