Screen Shot 07-10-17 at 10.49 AM¬†Here are some fresh, ripe mulberries on our trees, nice and warm from the sun. We have 4 mulberry trees and every time I go by them I grab off a few berries and pop them into my mouth and 2 of my fingers are going to be permanantly stained purple all summer. (so are the bottoms of my feet alot as well when I go out barefoot and step on the mulberries that have fallen off the trees onto the ground and are hidden in the grass!) All the local wildlife enjoy them too and we always see squirrels and birds in the trees, eating the berries and they attract all kinds of different birds so it’s nice to see. People walking by even get some as well from the tree branches that hang out over the fence at the side of the backyard, and I’ve seen them pick them off as they go by. ūüėÄ

As well, the 16 YR old was able to fix the 14 YR old’s brassy hair and she toned it down so now it’s more an ashy blonde and it has purple highlights. She¬†tried to actually dye it blue but that’s how it turned out but at least it looks better than before and it’s not brassy anymore. The 14 YR old also¬†loves being in Toronto just like I do and the NP and social worker at the clinic noticed a positive change in her, that she was different, more alive, more vibrant, more upbeat, more¬†happy, and said that city life has more activity, stimulation and busy-ness, which she thrives on, and she’s not bored(like she is here) and like me, she appears to “blossom” and come out of her “shell” in the city, and when I’m here¬†my soul dies.

The 14 YR old also said in downtown Toronto a¬†drug dealer approached her and her sister and offered to sell them drugs but they politely declined and said,¬†No, thanks.¬†That reminds me of that time in L.A when I got off the bus and some guy asked me if I wanted to buy a gun for 20$. At the clinic I also saw an¬†Amishman in the elevator which isn’t something that you see every day around here very often, and in the waiting room there was also this girl 10 or 11 and her mother and my hubby blurts out to the kid,¬†So, I guess you don’t like eating either? and I said to him,¬†That was a stupid thing to say! and he lamely goes,¬†That’s what everyone’s¬†here for, right? and I told him,¬†Sit down and behave yourself and leave people alone! My God, I was sooooo¬†embarrassed! He’s just so inappropriate! What’s the¬†matter with him?

The cops were over next door again as well, and one of the neighbours next door came over a few days ago too and asked if my hubby could driver her to her medical app’t in¬†another town! Just because we let them borrow our hose (which they never did return, even after a few days, we had to go over and get it back ourselves) and our wet/dry vac it doesn’t mean they can take¬†advantage of us! My mother answered the door and just told her that he had worked all night and was sleeping,which was true, but what¬†nerve though! I also noticed there’s so¬†many teenagers with babies,too, and even the local highschool has a daycare; this town must be teen mom capital of the entire country! It wouldn’t surprise me though, with all the rednecks here! It’s so redneck here that even the¬†women drive pick up trucks, and that’s not even a¬†joke,¬† they¬†really¬†do.

The 16 YR old also dyed¬†her hair, and hers is¬†purple, and she got her first job,too, at the same grocery store the 18 YR old works at! She’s going to be a cashier. It’s just a summer job though for some extra $$$ (that I’m sure she’ll spend on clothes and makeup) because once school goes back she’ll be too busy with that. My mother’s BP and blood sugar are both in normal range today but she’s still convinced she’s¬†dying and pissed-off as well that she called her doctor and he never called her back and that neither him or the ER “cares about her” or are ” too concerned” or taking it seriously, and that she has to “take care of herself” but I think she’s just over-reacting, and she probably just does have a virus like they said and they did the tests and nothing suspicious showed up, so what does she¬†want?

It was my mother’s birthday yesterday as well (she’s 76) and the kids did make¬†her cards, just like they did for my hubby, even though they said they “don’t do” cards anymore, but it’s just me they don’t do them for anymore, and if their aim was to hurt me and make me feel excluded and like shit then you have succeeded. I was the one that gave them¬†life, and I fed them with my own¬†body, and I was the one who did all the “grunt” work of raising them as babies, toddlers, and little kids, the really¬†hard, gritty work, and I was the one who taught them to read and write, and who laid the foundation for their early education homeschooling in the early years which is the¬†most difficult, but I’m the one that doesn’t get a card….and then they wonder¬†why I think¬†they’re toxic and why I feel excluded, why I don’t feel like part of this family, pushed away, made to feel like shit, and how they make me feel unloved, unwanted, and unwelcome in my own home, my ¬†family, my¬†life, and my family and my life make me feel so unloveable, and I do my best but still fall short of what is asked of me( thanks, Asperger’s) and constantly disappoint and annoy everyone, and I feel it and internalize it, their disappointment and exasperation ,and I feel I’m living in a world where ¬†I feel unable to measure up no matter how hard I try and that I’m too ugly to be loved. Even my own¬†family ¬†doesn’t love me and treats me like shit but that¬†says more about them than it does about me.