Sunflowers.

Screen Shot 07-23-17 at 06.39 PM 001 Walking to church on Sundays I always walk by these sunflowers in a garden so this time I decided to take photos of them. I love sunflowers so much. They’re just so cheerful, so happy, so sunny!   I’ve even had dreams I’m in Heaven running thru a wide open field of sunflowers.If you look closely you can even see a bee inside it, too! I wanted to plant sunflowers in my garden this YR too but I could never find any at any of the places that sold seedlings and young plants so I’m wondering if maybe the people here just grew their own, like planting a sunflower seed themselves right in the soil and going from there?  Maybe I’ll have to try that next YR, only start early planting the seed indoors in the beginning and then transplanting into the soil outdoors in late May…Some asshole stole one of our flowers from our garden at the front,too, they scooped it clean out in a clean, perfect scoop and took it right out of the garden. If it was an animal digging it up it wouldn’t have been so clean, so smooth,and so precise, and with no evidence of the flower left behind. I’m nicer; I didn’t steal the sunflowers I admire, I just took photos of them.

Screen Shot 07-23-17 at 06.38 PM 001 As well, the 16 YR old’s hamster died! She only had it for a month, but a couple of days ago the 10 YR old barged into her room yelling and really scared it, so much it kept squealing forever and hasn’t been the same since….and now it died. I think it must have had a heart-attack and he literally scared it to death. Small rodents like that are very skittish and high-strung and get scared and anxious very easily and don’t handle stress, loud noises and fright well. The 14 YR old was the first one to notice as when she went in to see it, it wasn’t moving so she suspected it but they’re scared to touch dead things so they had me come up to confirm it….so I picked it up and the poor little thing was curled up in the corner of the cage, eyes half-open, cold, stiff,and hard…..most definitely dead and it had been for some time, my guess is it died sometime during the night. It was just so sad. So they buried it in the backyard in a Girl Guides cookie box ( I had to put it in there along with bedding and toys, as no one else wanted to touch the dead thing) and gave it a nice little hamster funeral incl. a stone on top of the grave so the raccoons don’t dig it up and eat it, a grave marker with a name, an artificial flower, and a cross made out of popsicle sticks. I just hope it didn’t have some kind of animal disease or something that dogs can catch and that Buddy will get it and die now,too….

We also have drug dealers  as neighbours at the house at the corner: in a span of 30 minutes at least 8-10 cars would pull up to their house and they’d go inside for less than 5 minutes each and then leave…..so what would you think? What’s ironic is that the house next door to them used to be drug dealers too until the people moved out, and they even used to leave their Christmas lights on all YR and turn them on as a sign to their customers that they were home and open for business!

The 14 YR old likes to make fun of a TV show I watch as well, Born This Way, a docu-series about adults with Down Syndrome but I just consider where it comes from, a person that watches that stupid America’s Got Talent, a lame-o talent show, and they’re always putting down and insulting my TV shows and all interests and things I like, and I realize that you can’t make someone like you or treat you right, all you can do is try and make an effort and do your best but then know when it’s time to walk away. No one deserves to be abused. I know the way they constantly degrade, belittle, ridicule, criticize, blame, bully, insult, and berate me is emotional abuse, and it feels just like it did with the bullies in school that tormented me and made my life hell….only now it’s my own family doing it which is even worse.

I get the impression that God, for some reason, wants me to hold on, to stay alive, to keep fighting the fight,not to kill myself, as hard as it is to keep holding on sometimes, I can only take so much and it’s so tempting to just let go…. and that in time, a twist of fate will occur where I eventually will get a fresh start, start over, and find happiness and love at last, and when I prayed for a sign what He wants me to do, the Howard Jones song, Things Can Only Get Better randomly came on my iPod! How freaky is that? If He wants me to hold on He’s going to have to give me the strength I need though, and hope as well, so I know it will eventually end and I will find a way out of this toxic environment , and live a life worth living where I’m not always so wound-up with anxiety, nerves, stress, brokenness, dread, worry, misery, hurt, heartbreak,and weariness that I’m always trembling and shaking and a bundle of nerves, constantly on edge.