This week the 16 YR old was to be coaching cheerleading to kids ages 4-10 but she could only take 2 days and then she quit. She said it was awful and it reminds her of why she doesn’t like kids. She says they’re annoying and bratty (but isn’t that just the way kids usually are?) although I don’t know if they actually were being little brats or not (since I wasn’t there and didn’t see) or whether they were simply just being kids. Kids, for instance, naturally are loud, boisterous, talk alot, fidgety, can’t keep still, sit for long or pay attention for too long, and have short attention spans. Needless to say, she’s one of the kids that’s decided she doesn’t want kids of her own , seeing how much trouble they (her and her siblings) were growing up and all the trouble they gave me, not wanting to go thru all that shit herself!
As well, the 10 YR old’s at Bible camp, and I had this really bad headache yesterday too that was sooo bad that nothing got rid of it; not even Tylenol, not even weed; it wasn’t a migraine though, it felt different, more like maybe a bad sinus headache or like when my BP shoots up really high, that sort of headache feeling. Buddy could sense it as well and knew something was wrong and I wasn’t feeling well ( I would place the pain level at a 7 out of 10 on the pain scale) and he was very agitated, and kept pawing at me and whimpering and barking, like he was either trying to warn me, keep me roused and conscious, or revive me….
I also decided about the 14 YR old’s family therapy and how I always feel attacked, blamed and how it’s destructive to me , demoralizing and bringing the suicidal feelings back again, instead of not going at all anymore what I decided I’ll do(after much prayer and contemplation and revelation) is commit myself to one more session, to give it a try and if it gets too overwhelming or I’m blamed or feel attacked then I’ll just get up and walk out of the room and go sit in the waiting room , leaving them in there to finish without me. If it’s not healthy for me I shouldn’t have to subject myself to something that’s harmful to my mental well-being, destructive to me, and detrimental to my well-being. I doubt it’ll go too well or last for long though as the therapist and I clash and I don’t think I can work with her, esp. now that there’s this “wall” of hostility, mistrust, and suspicion between us. I’ll try 1 more and see how it goes, with the option of just walking out.
I asked the 14 YR old if she even wants me to go to the therapy sessions, or if she even cares if I go or not, or would she mind if I stopped going, and she said, You should be there which may(…..or may not) mean she wants me to be there, that it’ll be helpful to her recovery, in which case puts me in a bad place as I’m then expected to be forced to endure this therapy, which for me is a form of torture, of mental breakdown and anguish, week after week after week, until it just obliterates me completely, taking away what little is left of me, when my natural instinct when I feel threatened or under attack is Run! and to get away from the source of harm, not to keep torturing myself with it over and over every week. I feel I’m expected to give up my own well-being, endanger my own mental health and be stripped of any sense of self at all, just obliterate who I am, but if I must sacrifice myself in order for her to fully recover then I will, even if it kills me. Her recovery is what matters most,and I’m a lost cause, anyway…
It’s “funny” too how even strangers on the Internet are kinder to me than my own family? I never could get over that. Other than my dog, no one cares whether or not I live or die.