Screen Shot 09-29-17 at 07.28 PM Today I can only describe myself as addled. Utterly confused, befuddled, tired,broken,and in pain. Ever since I fainted twice the other day and cracked the back of my head and now have 2 big painful lumps now not only does it still hurt like hell (and I can’t lay on my back now) it hurts like hell washing my hair now as well, which until the time came, I never even thought of, just the rubbing the shampoo in, rinsing out the water and towel-drying it was so painful, it made me wince and cringe in pain. It also feels like something’s dripping in my head and the headache’s so bad too it’s off the charts and even Tylenol # 3 just took the edge off.

As well as that I flaked out and slept for hours again and my mother had wake me up at 3:30 to remind me about the 14 YR old’s snack, my neck is also really stiff and sore and my lower back hurts,too, and my abdomenal pain’s also really bad, a combination of the usual constant nagging pain but also a gnawing pain and a feeling like I’ve been kicked in the gut by a horse. I’m so exhausted tired too all I want to do is sleep and I lay down and catch a nap wherever and whenever I can. I feel like a broken shattered piece of glass. I’m addled and not quite right, not myself, ever since I hit my head… but then again, that’s probably a good thing.

I’m all buggered-up. and addled. Addled and buggered-up.

The Day After.

Screen Shot 09-28-17 at 07.15 PM So the day after I fainted twice and went down hard, hitting my head hard on the kitchen floor and waking up flat on my back looking up at the ceiling I am now even more sore. I have 2 huge bumps at the back of my head that hurt of incredibly much I honestly don’t know how I could have fallen so hard and hit my head so hard ( the impact was so hard that my hearing aids went flying out and I found them laying on the floor beside me) and survive, but they say fatal head injuries( concussion, brain bleed, strokes, etc.) can occur up to 24-48 hours after, so you never know…. I read as well the main causes for fainting incl. low BP, internal bleeding, heatstroke, heart issues so could it be one of those?

Now my head hurts even more and I think now I know what it must feel like to have been hit in the back of the head with a baseball bat, and as well as genuine pain it also stings,too, and feels like a fresh tattoo. It hurts even without touching it and I had to take a Tylenol # 3 but it just took the edge off. I also have a really sore neck and lower back in the tailbone area so when I fell I must have twisted or torn something and put out my back as well and it must be pressing on a nerve or something too because I can hardly walk or bend over and my stomach also is sore and feels all stretched out, so did something rupture perhaps and I’m bleeding internally or I did I just pull a muscle or something? Either way I’m in pretty bad shape and now I know what Humpty Dumpty must have felt like; unable to be put back together again, and broken and shattered in pieces. I’d fainted twice within a 5 minutes period as well and then I must have passed out again because I laid down and fell asleep for 3 hours right after.

My friends are concerned,however, more so than I am, I’m just taking it easy and trying to rest it off, but they seem worried and are urging me to go to the ER and get a brain scan as they worry I might have a serious head injury such as a skull fracture( and it hurts so much I wouldn’t be surprised if I did crack my head open!) brain bleed, etc. but I’m not up to sitting and waiting for hours in the ER and quite honestly I can’t sit up that long; I still don’t feel “right” and I have to keep laying down and I’m scared of passing out again as well, so I’m just taking a wait-and-see approach….I just wait and see….I either recover….or I don’t…


Screen Shot 09-27-17 at 07.15 PM So here’s something interesting. I blacked-out. Fainted. Twice, in the kitchen as I was preparing the 14 YR old’s grilled cheese for lunch( and now she’s so paranoid she’s convinced that I’ sneaking funny stuff(like butter) into everything she’ll sniff it, inspect it, look for any signs of tampering… she’s like a spy….sigh… I just want her to get better(and hopefully without having to be sent away) and just doing what I’been instructed to do.) and I woke up flat on my back, looking up at the ceiling, thinking, What am I doing laying on the kitchen floor? and that’s exactly what the 10 YR old said when he walked in and saw me laying there, with a shocked confused look on his face, and I replied, I’m not sure…. because at the time I had no idea,and then bit by bit it was coming back; I remember frying the sandwich and then hearing a loud thud! and moaning, Ooooh, it really hurts! It really, really really hurts! and that woke me up and I opened my eyes to see the kitchen ceiling and then realized what must have happened; that I’d passed-out, and the butter in the plastic dish had melted all over the stove when I went down hard, too, and I got 2 big burns on my hand and arms, too.

I know it happened at least twice that I’m aware of as I remember waking up on the kitchen floor on my back looking up at the ceiling thinking, what the…..? how did I get here? and I touched the back of my head, expected to see a big bloody smear but there was nothing, even though it feels like broken shattered glass and it feels like something’s broken and moving around in there and now my head really hurts and I have a headache,too and 2 really big bumps I can’t lay on the back anymore, and Buddy won’t leave my side and he seems to be upset and agitated and keeps licking my leg and barking, so did I perhaps break my skull, have a brain bleed, fluid pressure, or swelling or something and maybe I’m even dying and he can sense it? My mother and hubby thought it was due to my weed, except why would that be any different than normal though, so I’m thinking it’s due to whatever medical issue is plaguing me, whether it ends up being colon or rectal cancer or whatever, and when I’d woken up and also in-between black-outs I was really sweaty,too, big streams of sweat just pouring down my face, drenching me, as if I’d been sprayed with the hose.In-between all that drama I also re-dyed my hair, touching up the ash blonde colour and the 14 YR old’s blonde now too and it looks really nice. The new cannabis oil I ordered arrived as well.


Screen Shot 09-26-17 at 04.20 PM I’m so weary. At the eating disorders clinic yesterday they again said we’re failing and that going the past 6 months they expected more progress and more weight gain for the 14 YR old, and this week she’s lost 200 g when they want her to gain 500 g a week, and they say there’s nothing more they can do for her and might as well just discharge her from the program and said if she doesn’t start to gain weight by next week they’ll refer her to a residential (live-in) treatment centre 90 minutes away. A blog reader had just recently mentioned that but unless the doctors refer you it doesn’t happen and when we tried to have her admitted before they refused. I understand and accept whatever needs to be done to help her get better and if she needs to go away to get the helps she needs, if she needs more than we can provide, then so be it, although I still hope that she doesn’t have to, and the average stay is 3-6 months. 😦

I’ve also been instructed to bulk her up by adding sauces, sour cream, butter, jams, etc. to her food even though she hates them and it’s a real struggle trying to get her to eat( she threw her dinner at me last night, for example, refusing to eat) even though it’s what she needs to get better and she yells that she doesn’t care and would rather be tube fed than have to eat and taste disgusting stuff, and they told my hubby that he has to be supportive at meal times,too, as I’m the only one who supervises and monitors her meals and it’s too much just for one person and for it to always be on me, and the session yesterday was a lunch setting where we all brought and ate our lunch(I joked we should have a catered 6 course meals with candelabra and chandeliers, etc.) while they observed and they said the 14 YR old’s “disordered” eating and aversion to food, picking at food and nibbling instead of taking normal bites is partly eating disorder and also partly behavioural. I’m just so weary. Please give me strength Lord.

As well, I visited “my” Mustang again, every time we go by the car dealership I look and make sure if it’s still there, breathe a sigh of relief,and say hello! to it, and sigh, if only….maybe some day… and I took 2 pills thinking they were sinus pills as that was the bottle they were in and then wondered why 30 minutes or so later I was feeling really “funny” and “spacey”….as it turns out someone had put the wrong pills in the wrong bottle;(someone’s trying to kill me!) they weren’t sinus pills but Trazadone…..shit…no wonder I was so tranquilized, sleepy,and out of it though…I got my info and forms from the doctor doing my colonoscopy as well and not only can I not eat or drink anything after Midnight  because of the anaesthetic, but I also have to be on a liquid-only diet the day before, plus take laxatives too ( ewwww!) so I’m just going to be completely starving!! (and miserable) and shitting.