Not a good day to wake up to. First of all, when I woke up at 6 am to go pee and wash my face I noticed nothing came out of the hot water tap; it just made a grinding noise, so I used the cold water, but when I went downstairs my hubby informed me that we had no water; that the hot water tank in the basement had been leaking, flooding the basement, and he had to turn off the water but that the repairman was coming later in the day. Ok, except I didn’t have any water, hot or otherwise, for my bath in the morning and it was also wash hair day too, and I just felt to unclean and yucky….ugh…grungy, unkempt….
At night the 14 YR old said she heard a loud rattling, rumbling sound coming from the basement, sort of like how the windows rattle and shake with an earthquake or when a large truck drives by and they shake, and my hubby said he heard a hissing sound, and it ended up to be the hot water tank,and of course when I heard that I imagined the worst( like I always do with my over-active imagination) such as it being built up under pressure and on the verge of exploding, so basically like having a bomb on the verge of exploding in your basement, with the force and capability to bring down your entire house…..but the guy came and was just here shortly; as it turns out it was just a leaky valve which he replaced and all was well again and we had water once again for baths, showers, hair washes, cooking, dishes, etc. It also explains what was leaking before to cause the furnace to short-circuit; I’d just assumed it was water flooding the basement floor from rain. I swear, everything we have is a piece of shit.
I also woke up first thing in the morning seeing this staring back at me from the top shelf in the fridge: a marinading beef heart. So utterly and completely disgusting I gagged and almost puked. The 23 YR old made it but it was the dog who actually ended up eating most of it, but he licks his ass too so his standards aren’t exactly too high. Patti also stopped by yesterday for a surprise visit too and it was Weed Day so I just sat there politely nodding my head and smiling as she rambled on complaining about all her neighbours now she lives in an apartment and she can hear every sound they make, which she continued to drone on and on about in explicit detail, from the woman upstairs who squeaks her fat ass back and forth sliding around in her bathtub, to others loud clomping footsteps, each one they take, or them noisily moving furniture, or loudly snoring keeping her awake, or something or other that annoyed her, plus all the drama and gossip I haven’t got time for and couldn’t care less about; my mind kept wandering off and I would glance up every now and then at the old musical my mother was watching on TV, White Christmas, anything to distract me as I was watching her mouth move but trying to “mute” the sound, just thinking, Oh, please, just get me out of here. I just wanted to lay down and sleep under my cozy heated blanket and she just wouldn’t stop going on about all these people and I was too polite to say anything. I also think Donna’s already moved out,too, as there’s been zero activity or lights on at her house and I haven’t seen her out with her dogs,either…You know, I’m going to miss having her around.
I feel like I’m being erased; that my family is trying to erase me. I have no say, authority, dominance, power, control, decision-making, or control in my own family, over my own kids, or in my own life. My thoughts, opinions, concerns, needs, suggestions, preferences, requests, and voice don’t matter. I am always vetoed, over-ruled and undermined. My voice,opinion, contribution, and say is always silenced and now it seems like they’re trying to erase me as well as I realized that there are no photos of me at all displayed in the house; it’s almost as if they want to erase any trace of me, any reminder, any visual indication of my existance or that I live here and am part of this family. We used to have a couple of those old professional studio family photos of myself, my hubby,and the oldest as a baby on the wall in the hallway but they took them down to paint and now are refusing to put them back up even though the other portraits of the kids are still up on the walls, it’s like they just don’t want the ones that include me up there. Other than my own bedroom, the only other traces that I live in this house would be the Bob Marley calendar that hangs at my computer desk. I almost feel like a phantom of some sort; I live in the shadows.
As well, when my hubby un-mutes the redneck sports I have muted on the news because it irks me I used to leave the room because I refuse to stay and subject myself to have to listen to that crap and he can’t force me to listen to it, to look at it, or to like it, and I won’t be controlled, oppressed, suppressed, or dominated like that, but now I decided why should I have to leave? I’m the one sitting there peacefully watching the news and he comes in and just takes over and stirs up drama; so from now on in protest I decided I’ll stay but just put on my iPod and listen to my music(so I don’t have to listen to it and can listen to something that I like) while he has that shit on…..only without my headphones like I normally have when someone’s watching TV, as I figure he doesn’t respect me so why should I turn my music off for him and certainly not for that crap, esp. when he’s just doing it to get me mad! He can suck it!!
I also realized that the 4 people who I either loved the most, trusted the most, or were the closest to in my life, both family and friends, were also the ones who eventually stopped caring about me, betrayed me,and turned on me,as my Asperger’s and bipolar turns everyone off, so that basically everyone I ever loved, trusted, was close to, or depended on got tired of me and threw me away,and the other day I got new revelations as well and one of them was I have someone waiting for me that misses me, waiting for me to return, that loves me, on the other side, and I got the distinct impression that it was my eternal companion, so maybe there really is someone out there for me,afterall, someone other than my dog that does love me, and enough to wait for me to complete my Earthly journey and still be there waiting for me and eagerly waiting for me to come back.
I had a bunch of really awful, scary, horrible revelations as well and they were so awful, so unthinkable that I can’t even think about it or even mention it, and receiving it shook me to the core and I felt like I was going to implode; it was like a overload to my system and something I didn’t want to see or know(and can’t and don’t want to believe) and I hope and pray I don’t have to have to face and hope I die before it comes. It was also a glorious balmy 14 C yesterday and Buddy and I were outside and had extra long walks and the girls went for a walk into town,too,and it just felt so nice to feel the sun on my face again.
I have no idea what to write about today. Nothing happened so I have nothing to post about. Nothing at all. Nada. I’m completely blank on any ideas for today’s blog. So, here’s some hippos for you instead.
Yesterday I put up the big wreath on our balcony. It looked so bare since my hubby is too lazy this year to put up the outdoor Christmas lights and we always have a huge display of lights, it rivals Snoopy’s doghouse but this year he’s being petty, childish, immature, spiteful and holding a grudge refusing to put them up because he didn’t like the way I took them down last year. What a suck and big baby. Now it looks so bare and forlorn and the neighbours will all wondered what happened; they’ll probably think we turned Jewish or something when really it’s just laziness. I used this clear string to tie it on, I think it’s called fishing wire or fishing line or something like that,and of course the damn roll went off the balcony and fell down into the bush below, just my typical luck, so I had to go all the way down and get it but of course I forgot the scissors so I wasn’t able to cut it. Doesn’t it figure? The story of my life. Life is hard when you’re stupid. Plus, I don’t think I fully recovered from Saturday as even yesterday(I guess I’m lucky that I didn’t fall off the balcony with it,too!) I kept tripping on my skirt and fumbling, and in church I felt like I was going to faint and reading the Missal the words were all blurry and I saw double, unless, of course, it’s due to the recent head injury I had. Either way, I plodded thru my day in a haze, and I’m still having trouble spelling words as I type and I never even had any weed, so maybe it’s not that, but due to when I hit my head,afterall….
As well, our town had the Santa Claus Parade yesterday as well during church and the lady that sits behind me and talks to me asked, Oh, you don’t want to be standing out in the cold, freezing, watching the parade? and I told her, Nah, I’d much rather be in here where it’s nice and warm and she said she’d rather be at her condo in Florida and I said, I’d rather be on the beach in the Caribbean and we both had a good laugh. There was also a little girl in church sitting a few rows ahead of me cuddling and hugging her mother and it reminded me so much of the 14 YR old and I when she was younger, when she used to love me and when we were really close and she let me hug her, before she decided one day that she doesn’t love me anymore and no longer wanted to talk to me, confide in me, or share her life with me anymore, and it made me sad for what I’ve lost and wish I still had, and I hope that my loving her wasn’t what damaged her and broke her; how can you love someone too much? Grieving for someone that’s still alive is one of the hardest things.
Now my hubby also has the redneck sports un-muted on the news every night now even though my mother and I always had it muted before because neither of us like it(and majority rules) but he just comes in and takes over and she won’t stand up to him and always takes his side against me(even though she doesn’t like that redneck crap either) once again asserting their power, dominance, control,and authority over me, reminding me that what I think, want, feel, like, my opinion, preferences, considerations, etc. don’t matter and don’t count and I have no say at all in my own home. I don’t care if he wants to watch that crap when he’s on his own, just not when I’m there, and I want to watch my news in peace, without redneck shit that really gets on my nerves(and he knows it, that’s why he does it, just to purposely irk me, and to make me feel powerless.) I just hate that shit with such a passion that even when I’m on my own listening to the news on the radio I turn it off when the redneck sports comes on. It has nothing to do with him; it’s just a pet-peeve of mine; something I just can’t stand or tolerate, a line I won’t cross, and he just won’t respect that…..because he doesn’t care about or respect me.