The Moment I Knew.

Screen Shot 10-31-17 at 02.36 PM I was reading this article that asked divorced women when was the defining moment when they knew that their marriage was over and then I thought about it, even though I know it’s been over now for a long time, and that we just don’t get along, have nothing in common, can barely even tolerate eachother, can never agree, have completely different upbringings, interests, skills, and personalities, there’s no love or physical attraction there, only hostility, rancor, regret, irritation, anger, and frustration,bullying and emotional abuse, and I realized that the defining moment I knew beyond a doubt was actually two obvious examples: one time when the thought occurred to me that he hasn’t touched me in years so he must be getting it somewhere as no guy is going to go years without it, so then the realization hit me that he must be having an affair…..but I didn’t even care. I didn’t get upset, hurt, angry, or jealous, I actually didn’t care. I even thought it as a possible way out for me, as an escape for me if he’s found someone else, and I found myself getting excited at the possibility. The other one was whenever he goes away such as into Toronto for the day for work, or at some tournament for the weekend or whatever I don’t miss him,and, in fact, I’m glad when he’s gone and happy when he goes away and he’s not here,and I get sad when he comes back, so I would think that’s pretty telling.

We’ve also started a new family therapy at the 14 YR old’s eating disorders clinic called DBT, or Dialectical Behaviour Therapy and it’s weekly session with us and her for something like 6 months and the therapists agreed that the way my hubby and kids treat me( always putting me down, berating, belitting, mocking, insulting, goading,and name-calling) is emotional abuse and bullying and that it has to stop and that no one is to insult or put down anyone else or their interests,and we have to try and practice a state of mind called mindfulness where we have to try and stay and focus on the moment, in the present, and not be thinking about the past or ahead to the future, but to stay right in the moment and to not be too emotional or impulsive and to try and manage feelings like anger and frustration in better ways and re-word things such as instead of saying things like, You’re such a jerk! You always do that! You always say that! You  never listen! We have to state from our own point of view and focus on how the other person’s action make us feel instead, such as, I felt hurt when you said that. It makes me feel sad when you do that. Which I already do, but it makes no difference, my family knows how it makes me feel when they pick on me; they know the way they treat me hurts me, they just don’t care. That’s why they do it, because they want to hurt me.

Screen Shot 10-31-17 at 02.44 PM I also saw this which my hubby saw as well and he proudly announced, Hey, that’s me! which it actually is; it sounds just like him, plus he also always only ever thinks about himself first, is cold,emotionless, and unsympathetic, cruel, vengeful, vindictive,thinks he can just walk in and take over and act like he’s King and Boss….shit….maybe he really is a narcissistic sociopath? At the session he also tried to excuse and justify treating me the way he does just because I don’t like the same things him and the kids do, such as Anime and the vulgar TV show Family Guy and mad I don’t let the kids do Hallowe’en( due to it’s occult nature) but everyone’s not the same or has the same opinions or interests and that’s ok, and I don’t care if they like or watch anime, for example; I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, it’s not a moral issue, it’s just not my thing,and why should I have to be expected to pretend to like something I don’t or to have to change or be forced to like, watch, do, or feign interest in something I don’t like? He thinks I don’t belong or want to be part of the family because I don’t share the same interests. I’m just an individual. I’m allowed to like what I like.

As for Family Guy I just think that show’s totally inappropriate, and crass, and not a good influence on the kids and I don’t think they should be watching it and with Satan’s Day  it doesn’t feel right on my Christian conscience to take part in it or to allow my kids to engage in something unholy. Then he says I don’t want to be part of the family so he dismisses me and figures take a hike! (his words) when in actual fact they push me out with the way they mistreat me; why would I want to stay in a family that always treats me like shit and make me feel unwelcome ,excluded,and unwanted? Apparantly I’m not even “allowed” to like my own music or style, I’m expected to have to conform and like what they do instead and if not then I’m not welcome in this family. My family makes me feel so unworthy and like I don’t deserve love.

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