In my case it’s both.
I can’t believe it already, the end of another year. I say good riddance to 2017 though, it was a bad year though between the 14 YR old’s crisis and my medical issues, our enemy’s return, along with the usual shit and stress in my life so I’ll be glad to see it go. 2016 was a bad year as well with the 19 YR old’s crisis. I can’t wait for this year to end quickly enough! I sure hope 2018 will be better but given our luck and past experiences I doubt that it will be. I expect the same old shit, just a different year. We never seem to catch a break or get time off from constant trauma, crisis, and stress. Pretty well every year is a bad year for us. I was hoping I’d die this year, now I’m 50, and I really thought I would, but on the 4th I turn 51 so it had better hurry up and happen fast then as I only have a few days left now and am quickly running out of time. It’s depressing to me to think that I could possibly still be here next year and live thru another year….maybe even longer….holy shit, maybe even decades longer still….oh, my God… that thought really bums me out. I’m ready to go. I have been for a long time now.
I used to get dressed up and go to New Year’s Eve parties when I was much younger, in my 20’s and 30’s but not any more; I haven’t in so long, now I can’t even stay awake that late and nowadays by the time Midnight rolls around I’ve already been fast asleep for several hours! Plus I don’t have anyone to go with and nothing to celebrate anyway and I don’t drink so there’s really no point. Aunt Flow also showed up, 5 days early and the cramps and bleeding are off the chart….I really hate this and I’m too old for this shit now and don’t need it anymore….I really hope my doc will finally refer me to a gyno as I know something’s wrong down there and I just want to get this thing out and finally be done with it for good. Before it used to be a necessary evil but I don’t need it anymore. Enough is enough.
It’s still friggin’ cold out there and continues to break records and NYE celebrations all over the country are being shortened or cancelled due to the frigid temps although it makes me skeptical since we always have cold winters and people here know how to dress for it….I wonder if instead if the real reason might have been some sort of credible terrorist threat and they cancelled it just to be safe, so there wouldn’t be a huge crowd open to attack….it just makes me wonder…. the 14 YR old also complained she hates Canada too because it’s so cold and my hubby asked her if she’d rather live in USA instead with Trump and all the mass shootings but why does it always have to be one or the other with him all the time? There are other choices,too, you know; there’s something like 206 countries in the world…
I read on a blog recently there is something called toxic stress that burns people out and breaks them over time and it sounds exactly like what I have; stress so bad due to continual ongoing trauma over the years that affects you to such a degree that you’re basically always on survival mode, adrenaline and cortisol (the stress hormones) is always running high, you’re always on alert and wary, in a fight-or-flight mode, always on guard, never at ease or able to fully relax or let your guard down, always highly anxious and stressed. That’s me. Needless to say being in this state constantly takes a toll on you both mentally, emotionally, and physically. Just like my mother had emblazoned on one of her coffee mugs: stress is my life.
This is what my family and my life has done to me.
As well, we’re still in the record cold, it’s like living in the frozen Arctic tundra, and even colder here than in Siberia, Alaska, even the North Pole. It’s just too cold for human life and the 14 YR old complains she hates Canada too as it’s just too cold. Yeah, I know. I get it. We’re just in the wrong country. I would really love to hibernate on a tropical beach in the Caribbean. We’re getting colds now too with the frigid weather and have our thermostat and heaters cranked up to the highest settings and it’s still cold! The heated blanket has become my new best friend.
The 14 YR old also likes to make fun of my green trackpants that has the word candy written across the ass, even though I never even noticed it was there when I first bought it; it just on sale so I snatched it up; she says she has to get laser eye surgery now because seeing that burned her eyes out….ha,ha….very funny. I’ve been really itchy lately as well which could indicate liver and/or kidney failure as the toxins build up in my body and cause rashes,red spots, allergic reactions, and itchiness, and even my eyeballs have been itchy and burning stinging sore too but not red and sore like with Pink-eye, but it may be jaundice from my liver as they do look a bit yellow along with my skin so it could be that with my liver. Perhaps that’s how I’ll die; multiple organ failure with my heart, liver,and kidneys? I really am an old, broken down, falling apart jalopy. It’s also itchy on the back of my head every day as well on the spot where I hit it when I fainted and fell, making me wonder if it’s a sign of healing….or something else perhaps…
My mother and I went out for my early birthday lunch. We went to our fave. Italian restaurant, also the finest dining in town but also expensive, which is why we only go twice a year, for birthday and Mother’s Day. Above is a photo of the left-overs we brought back home. We shared French onion soup, garlic bread, a chicken penne pasta with cheese, mushrooms and a creamy sauce, pizza with chicken, Feta cheese, mozzarella, mushrooms, hot peppers, onions, and sun-dried tomatoes, and the most decadent chocolate mousse cake imaginable. It was just beyond amazing and I savoured and relished every single bite. I swear I had an orgasm, and I have no doubt as well that gluttony is my biggest sin. With tip the bill came to 95$ but you only get what you pay for and honestly I can’t think of anything better to spend 95$ on…..my God it was just soooooo good and if I die now and it ended up being my last meal then at least I’ll die happy with a smile on my face and with a full stomach!
Also, if I really actually am going to die this year while I’m 50 I literally only have days left and I had this feeling before it’ll be on the 29th although I never knew which month; the 29th of what but if it is this YR this is the last month of the year and that makes today the last 29 th of this year as well so will it be today?It’s exciting though to think that I could finally be free in just mere hours, that Heaven is just so close….. my mother also thinks it’s her hemmoroids causing her rectal bleeding esp. as she said they were really itchy and she was scratching them and thinks she must have popped it causing the bleeding, which is next to nothing now, so it sure seems possible… It was nice having lunch out with her too, just the two of us, and we were able to talk and even almost “bond”, like in the Old Days when we were closer, before I had kids and she started meddling and taking over. There was actually a connection between us and it was nice.
So 3 of the kids who now live away from home have now left and gone back, leaving just the 21 YR old still here visiting as she has the most time off ( 2 weeks) from university but the second-oldest went back first, the day after Christmas as she had to get back to work,and the 18 YR old left yesterday as she has to get back to school and also as she’s visiting her BF and his family for a few days,too, before she heads back,and wouldn’t you know it, her train was 90 minutes late and the train station here is nothing more than this teeny little bus shelter with no heat.Slowly, one by one, they leave and the 18 YR old was funny,too, she said she shouldn’t have to wash the dishes as she’s a guest in our home and I told her she’s not a guest, she’s family and if she’s a guest then why are we doing her laundry for her and my hubby added and if she’s a guest then why does she open our fridge and just help herself so I asked So then, are you a guest….or family? and she laughed and goes, It depends… She was also spooked one night woken up by a mouse by her head at her pillow eating her Christmas Kinder egg chocolate she got in her stocking!
As well, it’s freezing cold out there and we broke a record; – 28 C with wind-chill of – 34 C and they say New Year’s Eve is expected to be the coldest one in 50 years and it’s cold here today the coldest place on Earth right now,too, even colder than the North Pole and Nunavut! You have no idea how much I’m tempted right now to just contact my travel agent and have her book me a last minute trip to the Caribbean; just charge it on my credit card and just go, like I did when I went to Cuba back in May…it’s too bad I’d have to come back though.
I was thinking as well how they’re concerned the 21 YR old may have a blood disorder as she bled so much and so heavy after her foot surgery and it hit me that I likely do as well and that’s probably where she got if from; genetics, as every time I have a baby I bleed profusely; I hemmorage, and it always worries them and I have to stay a long time in the recovery room for observation and always need drugs in the IV to control the bleeding and with the 3rd baby they were even thinking I might need a transfusion and with Aunt Flow it’s always so heavy and soaking thru tampons every hour, sometimes even less… it really does make me wonder…
My mother also was startled seeing alot of blood in the toilet and she thought someone had Aunt Flow and didn’t flush but it turned out it was her and she’s bleeding out of her ass, just like I was before, and mine turned out to be a polyp in my colon so I wonder if she has the same thing, esp. since colon polyps tend to be genetic as well? Hopefully that’s all it is, either that or hemmoroids or something, and not cancer…the weird thing is too that I’m more worried about her rectal bleeding than I ever was about my own! Buddy also often barks at the 10 YR old and the 21 YR old but not the others like that and my theory is that he can somehow sense people that are hostile to me and don’t like me and he’s being defensive and trying to protect me from people he thinks may do me harm because they give off this negative vibe towards me….
As well as that, I’d mentioned this guy on a commercial on TV has a girl’s hairstyle as it was long and pushed back with a headband and she snarled I shouldn’t insult him and that my hair is a guy’s hairstyle when I didn’t even mean anything of it; I wasn’t even “insulting” him; it was just an observation, a comment,and I notice that her and the second-oldest are the worst at doing that to me; whenever I say anything, express an opinion, make an observation or statement they always think it’s critical and insulting even when it’s not, even when it’s just an observation or my opinion,and they always scold, condemn, rebuke, and berate me for it. I can’t say anything without them jumping on me, taking it the wrong way, twisting it around,and turning on me. The 14 YR old also said that I’m the most disgusting person she knows but at least I’m not the one that drinks juice out of the container…. I use a glass, and I don’t wipe my dirty greasy hands on my pants,either.