Last night laying in bed trying to fall asleep I felt really nauseated and at times I would also feel really dizzy and it felt like the room was spinning and at that time I could also feel my heart loudly thumping and pounding in my chest and it made me think what the neurologist said about my issues maybe having something to do with my heart, like perhaps it skips a beat, or an abnormal rhythm. The good is though until I see the cardiologist the medication I’ve already been on for years for my high BP also happens to be a medication they give you following a heart-attack and to prevent them. That’s maybe how I’ll die though, a heart-attack,and I’d prefer it actually, because at least it’s quick. It’s not long and dragging on suffering for months or years. It just hits you-bam!– and then it’s all over. I still remember my Babushka telling me the story of her hearing the moment my Dedushka died; he was praying aloud to God, tired of the pain, Jesus, just take me now!” those were his last words and then she heard a loud thud! and found him dead on the floor; he’d had a sudden heart-attack, and then the dental office called just the next day to say his new dentures were ready. 😦
It’s symbolic of my life though, dying of heart failure, like my heart was broken, and it just couldn’t take any more misery, brokenness,and sorrow,and it just gave up and died. I literally can die of a broken heart. With all of the traumas, abuse, rejection, bullying, hardships, struggles, bad luck,and unhappiness I’ve had to endure during my life it would be a fitting end to it to die of a broken heart. It was a sad realization as well that even the doctor ( or my Facebook friends for that matter, even the ones that don’t actually know me in person) care more about me and show more concern and kindness towards me than my own family does. I was also already on the brink of collapse as it was before but once the 14 YR old broke, and broke hard with her mental illness, eating disorders, being self-injurous and suicidal, and her struggling so much and withdrawing away from me just finished me off; it just broke my heart and broke me down so hard that it was just the Last Straw. That was the triggering point that finally pushed me right over and where I basically just withdrew from life completely.Now I’m like Dedushka, praying each day for God to take me.