The End Of My Childhood.

Screen Shot 12-22-17 at 06.11 PM I came across this quote and it was just one of the saddest things I think I’ve ever seen. I know the defining of the end of my childhood was the end of the summer after I finished grade 6, just as I started grade 7 as my entire world was about to come crashing in and the happy life that I knew was about to end and life as I know it would be over and the best part of my life would be over and it would only get worse from there. I would be leaving my happy childhood and entering a new phase of life where I would be bullied, abused, rejected, betrayed, ostracized, singled out, victimized, have no self-esteem and never be the same person again. It wasn’t just the end of my childhood, it was really the end of being me.

Ending grade 6 and going into Jr. High signalled the end of it, and then when my BF moved away at the beginning of grade 6 and then in grade 6 when my new BF suddenly stopped being my friend despite my repeated attempts to reconcile,and then at the end of grade 7 my BFF moved to USA. In Jr. High at least my friend D and I still would go skating in the winter and hang out at the park and the French fry place in the summer but once highschool came everyone was too busy with school work to really hang out outside, so there were no more bike rides around the neighbourhood with friends or going to the pool, and less visits over at friend’s houses or them at mine, and my social circle and my world got more and more narrow and isolated and I started to retreat and withdraw more and more with each new following trauma until there was nothing left of me anymore and I dropped out of life completely.

Screen Shot 12-22-17 at 06.11 PM 001 I miss my childhood. Growing up as a kid in the 70’s and a teen in the 80’s was a great time. I loved the decades and the music, the TV shows, the culture of the day, living in the city, having $$$$, and my fave. year was when I was 11 and that summer was the best summer ever. I loved going to camp every summer and visiting relatives.I wish I could only go back in time, re-do my life and freeze time and just stay back there, when I was happy, when I was the Old Me, before I got so damaged and unhappy and broke so hard. I wasn’t always like this. I used to be happy once. I used to smile. I used to laugh.I used to enjoy life. I used to go places and do things. When the kids were younger and my mother and hubby were at work all day I managed to do everything all on my own; I was always either prego or nursing and yet I still managed all child care, housework, cooking, and homeschooling every day….yet now I can barely even function….but of course I was also younger, healthier, and not as broken then,too. I used to have a life worth living. Now I’m just so beaten down by life. I wish I could learn to live again, to be happy again, but I don’t even know how, or where to start. I just want my old life back.I want to be me again.

The 21 YR old also had her foot surgery, and we got lots of snow so it looks Christmas-y,and Buddy’s farts stink like weed; it’s the strangest thing, but I know he hasn’t gotten into my stash because it’s(like all medication) locked away in the medicine chest and I doubt he knows the combination! 😀