Our Christmas.

Screen Shot 12-25-17 at 03.46 PM This is my fave. gift this Christmas: this sunflower painting the 18 YR old painted for me!  Not only because I love sunflowers but being made by hand makes it extra special,too, as they’re made from the heart and with time and thought put into it. I also got a Fiona The Hippo calendar, chocolates, and a watercolour Dachshund in frame(seen below) from the kids. In my stocking I also got chocolate and a toy hippo.  As well as us we also had my father-in-law, brother-in-law,and his son. Dinner didn’t go quite as planned, however, as we couldn’t find where we put the silverware so everyone had to eat with plastic forks and my mother at first thought that she’d somehow “lost” my turkey( the stuffed one) but then I was able to find it later, and then we later discovered the turkey that was supposed to be stuffed actually wasn’t, so I didn’t get any turkey for my Christmas dinner and ended up with a vegetarian Christmas dinner…..not exactly what I’d planned…the only positive thing of the day for me was talking with my brother-in-law as we share the same love of music, art, and travel, and have more in common than my hubby and I do. For once I got to converse with someone about something I love without them demeaning it, and also actually enjoying it,too! It was a hard day for Buddy too with all the people, noise, and action; he was over-stimulated and spent much time hiding under the couch!

Screen Shot 12-25-17 at 03.44 PM 001 Here is the Dachshund watercolour  from the kids. The 10 YR old said he’d “made” gifts for everyone as well which I thought was really sweet(so I’d imaged he drew everyone a picture, for example) but what it really ended up being was just a small piece of paper, fortune-cookie-style, with the word present on it! This Christmas was also yet another hurtful reminder as well of how I’m just not included in this family and really am not a part of it, and it feels like I’m sitting there watching them thru a window, with me on one side and them on another, like they’re all part of a clique that I don’t belong to; it’s like I’m just on a different frequency and I can’t relate to them, connect with them, bond with them or fit in with them no matter how hard I try; even yesterday trying to include myself into their conversations, or make a joke; it would always either just be ignored or met with disdain. It feels like there’s this Big Family Circle and they’re all gathered together inside the circle in the middle…and I’m out there all by myself on the outside.

As well, the 14 YR old also gave present to everyone except me, and made these cute caricatures  she put in everyone’s stockings except mine…. stinging rejection from the one who used to love me the most……. and the worst thing is I have no idea what I ever did to make her hate me so much. This isn’t my home . Not anymore. I’m not part of this family; I don’t belong here or feel welcome here and it all just hit me on Christmas; the disconnect, their rejection….it put me into this increasing feeling of rising panic and anger building and how much I actually hate these people because they treat me so badly and push me out and I just don’t belong here and have to get out. I wish that last Christmas had been my last Christmas as yesterday just sucked so bad and just reminded me how out of place I am in this family and how they exclude me and treat me like shit I just don’t feel connected to them and I’m still hoping I die by the end of the year but if I don’t then at least that 2018 can be the start of a new life for me….I just need to find happiness. I need to find peace. I need to find love. I need to find freedom.