Finding My Circle.

Screen Shot 12-26-17 at 07.32 AM I saw this today and it was exactly what I needed to hear and the encouragement that I needed. Christmas was just yet another stinging reminder of how I don’t belong in my family, how I don’t fit in, I’m not welcomed, and it feels like they all belong to this clique I’m not part of and not invited to; like they’re all part of this circle sitting together in the middle, all huddled together as a group, united, with me on the outside, isolated, alone,and not able to come in, no matter how hard I try. It feels like it’s not my circle.I can’t get in and they won’t let me in. Like I’m trying to fit into the wrong circle, where I’m not welcome, where I don’t belong, where I just don’t fit, sort of like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole; it just doesn’t fit. It’s not my circle. I have to find a new circle. I have to find my circle.

But where is it and how do I go about finding it? Where do I even begin?

There has to be someplace somewhere out there, where someone exists, perhaps even a few someones, that are like me, that will like me and will welcome me into their circle. I need to find my people, my tribe, my group, my clan; I only was able to once in my life, in my early 20’s at the YMCA group in Ottawa where we were all young adults with special needs. For the first time in my life I was accepted and belonged, I flourished and blossomed and came out of my shell. I need to find that place, those people, again, as I haven’t had it since and certainly not from my own family who always make a point of excluding me, pushing me away, making it clear I don’t matter, I’m not welcome, not a part of this family, not valued or loved, not worth the effort or bother, and I don’t fit in or belong. I  hope for the new YR to be able to find My Circle, where I will finally be allowed in, accepted, and belong.

I also hope in 2018 to find my Soul Mate. I haven’t been laid in over 10 years so I don’t even know if that thing even still works anymore but it’s not even about that; I need someone to even just converse with, and for company and companionship, someone to talk to about things I’m interested in without them rolling their eyes, face-palming, or shaking their head in exasperation thinking I’m stupid and annoying, but that actually enjoys my company and being with me and talking with me and thinks that my jokes and twisted sense of humour is funny, and when I interject a comment or a joke into a conversation they will respond kindly instead of either ignoring me or putting it down and being condescending, demeaning, belittling and dismissive of everything I say. I also need someone to give me physical human affection; I need to be touched, hugged, kissed, held,and cuddled, I need to be someone’s everything, for them to love me with all their heart, to smile when they think of me, to see me as “beautiful” because they love me.I need someone in my life that loves me enough to help me heal instead of hating me  and blaming me for my brokenness and limitations I have no control over.

I need someone who will enjoy the same music I do and not call it Druggie music. I need someone who will smoke weed with me instead of being a judgemental asshole and calling me a Pothead. I need someone who’s artsy, creative, a free spirit and an old hippie like me. I need someone that doesn’t think it’s weird I love hippos. I need someone when they see sunflowers they think of me. I need someone that loves music concerts, sunsets, travel, culture, and riding on a motorcycle as much as I do. I need someone who loves  and honours God. A need someone who treats me with respect and kindness. I need someone who loves me  and accepts me just as I am. I need love. I need alot of change in my life. I need newness, change, beauty, peace, love, freedom, independence, friendship, guidance, direction, strength, courage, wisdom, hope, happiness, joy, and light but mostly I need love. I feel like a dried up withered flower that needs to be watered and nourished in order to be revived and regain life and vitality again.

I’m pretty sure as well when I woke up during the night( and then I was awake from 1 am -4 am until I could get back to sleep again which was really annoying and happens often lately and now I’m really tired,too) I was coming out of the end of a seizure last night as my fists and jaw/teeth were both clenched and my legs were rigid and extended and it felt like I was vibrating. I get fitted for the heart monitor next week as well as get the CT scan results so maybe if I have another seizure something odd will show up on the heart monitor,too, some sort of blip in the heart beat, and maybe I have a sinus tumour or something which would explain the headaches and why my nose is almost always stuffy and has been runny lately as well yet no other signs of a cold; it’s like I have allergies only I don’t now it’s winter and sometimes it hurts and aches under my left nostril and feels like a bruise but there’s nothing there…when I see my family doc I’m going to ask him again to refer me to a gyno( he wouldn’t before) and I still have heavy periods, bleeding in-between, bad abdomenal pain and a p*ssy that stinks worse than a fish market…think raw lobster festering out in the summer heat….I think it must be diseased, perhaps I have uterine cancer or something…in any case, I know something’s causing it, there’s some reason,and it’s in that area, so…..my friend O( from grade 10 who is now a psychologist) is doing even worse than I am though; he had a kidney removed last year due to cancer and in the new YR he’s having open heart surgery for a blocked valve! Getting old really sucks!