Over The Mountain.


This song really resonates with me. I can really relate to it. You know how there’s just some songs that seem to be written for you?


As well, my hubby somehow programmed the Google Home device so that it won’t play Bob Marley anymore, so when I request it, it now says it doesn’t understand even though it used to play it no problem before. What an asshole. Just because he doesn’t like reggae he’s sabotaging it purposely so that I can’t listen to it even though he knows I love it but I found a way around it so I can still listen anyway. Nothing will stop my reggae, and especially NOT a controlling asshole like that. Who does he think he is,anyway? I can like, and listen, to whatever I want and he’s not the boss of me. I don’t have to do what he says! He can KISS MY HEMMOROID!! This isn’t even a marriage. It’s a prison sentence.

Just Stuff.

needles Just a strange day. I don’t know how else to describe it. I saw these syringes with needles in down in the basement when I went down to the deep freezer and I worried one of the kids was injecting hard drugs so I rushed over to my hubby to tell him what I found and he said, Put those back! They’re mine! and said he’s using them to inject coloured ink into his printer but at first when he said they were his my first thought that came to my head was, and you hassle me for using pot and you’re injecting heroin or God knows what? It was quite the surprise though and not something I’d expected to find and I wonder where he got them from though; did he steal them from the hospital or something? I have no idea where you’d even get needles from. It’s weird too since my hubby has this aversion to needles; they make him throw up and even faint!

The gastro doc’s office also called and said how I scored low on the Alpha 1 test on the bloodwork so he wants me to next time I go to the lab for his monthly bloodwork to also get genetic testing, a deeper look into that based on my last result, so maybe we’re finally getting somewhere, getting some answers to my medical maladies, issues, and why my organs are failing, I’m falling apart and always so wiped-out tired and drained. He said he’ll fax the requisition over to them and the results for genetic tests take weeks. I felt dizzy and like I was going to faint all day yesterday as well and Buddy could “sense” it as he was whining all day and kept licking my face, like he was worried about me. He’s just so sweet and because I don’t have any human love in my life God sent me Buddy because dogs love unconditionally; he doesn’t care what I look like, what I’ve been thru, how broken I am; he just loves me the way I am and I love him back.

I walked by the 16 YR old at the diningroom table as well and thought I saw her eating rainbow sherbet( which it turned out it was) and I said, Ooooh, is that sherbet? and she sniffed, It doesn’t matter! It’s not for you! and she said how she paid for it with her own money, blah, blah, blah, I said, You should still share…. and she huffs, Not with YOU! even though she did give my hubby some; she’s just being a little bitch. Don’t f*ck with me. I don’t put up with your shit, girl. I got my satisfaction. (remember when Patti wouldn’t share the cottage cheese with me?) My family sucks.

The Mystery Note.

GreatMom When I sat down to my computer in the morning I saw this wonderful note waiting for me, as seen here. I have no idea where it came from or who sent it but it was obviously one of the kids. When I saw it my heart was filled with joy and just soared. My first thought was Maybe one of the kids really does actually love me,afterall? and Maybe I’m not really so bad like I think and my family makes me feel? and then, of course, I wonder who sent it….but then my wariness and suspicion creeped in and took over; I’ve been “conditioned” by my toxic family’s abuse to wonder if maybe it was actually sarcasm, some sort of cruel, sick joke and not really sincere. That, or perhaps some sort of experiment so they’d see what I’d do and how I’d react….

I’d like to think that it’s real; that it’s sincere, that someone really does love me,and that one of the kids broke rank and realized how badly my family treats me and knows how much I really needed to hear that, how much it means to me, how it warms my heart and touches my soul, how it brought me to tears, lifted me up, and really made my day. It’s also a step closer to healing and gives me hope. Then I was trying to figure out who sent it. At first I thought probably either the oldest or the 18 YR old since of all the kids they’re the ones that are nicer to me and less mean but then I noticed it had been posted there from sticky notes, from my own computer, so it was done by someone in this house; it came from here, so it has to be someone that lives here, so that just leaves 4 kids still living at home and the most likely would be the 23 YR old since he’s (usually) the one of the kids still at home that’s nicest to me….plus, he’s the one known for going on my computer…

I figured there’s no way it would be the 10 YR old or the 16 YR old since they’re the ones that treat me the worst of the kids still at home(along with the 21 YR old and the second-oldest that have moved out they treat me the worst too) and not likely it would be the 14 YR old as I feared I’ve “lost” her forever, but if it secretly was her it would be extra special. I’m grateful and happy for it whoever sent it, but coming from her would be extra special since it feels like I’ve lost her even though I’ve never stopped loving her; I always have and I always will, and I always hold out hope that she’ll come “back” to me someday, that she’s not “gone” for good. It’s a real mystery though but it was nice to see, a nice surprise, much appreciated and much needed. ♥  A big thank-you to whoever sent it.