Happy belated birthday to Bob Marley. It was actually yesterday, but I didn’t realize until now that yesterday was the 6th already. I know it’s on the 6th but I didn’t know it was the 6th already and that it had come and gone. Now I feel so badly. I know, I’m just so bad at remembering dates and days. Most of the time I don’t even know which day of the week it is.
My family’s specialty is pushing my buttons. Mostly my hubby but also my mother and my kids. They know which exact buttons to push to trigger a reaction in me, to get me mad, frustrated, to piss me off, to annoy me, to trigger my anxieties, insecurities, worries, to watch me freak out, to set me up, to make me think I’m losing my mind, to make me second guess and question myself and my sanity, to give me doubts, to prey on my lack of confidence, to get me all riled up, etc. They’ll purposely do or say stuff that they know will set me off and get me upset, that’s why they do it, for my reaction, to “get” at me so now I am working hard on trying to NOT let them get to me, to just try and ignore them, to consider where it comes from,and to not give them the satisfaction. I figure they’re not worth it and the best approach is to just try and ignore them, to not give them that control, to not let them push my buttons.Now I just try and tune them out, ignore them, not give a response, not justify it with a reply, or sometimes just get up and walk out.
One recent example would be the other day watching the news; my mother and I always mute the redneck sports because we couldn’t care less, and I, in fact, genuinely hate it, and then he un-mutes it, just to piss me off, knowing that I hate it, and I know that for a fact because it was just all about the Superbowl which he doesn’t even follow, watch, or care about, and,in fact, even refers to football as fagball; he just did it to get me mad, he doesn’t even like it or care about it, and I’d keep muting it and he’d keep un-muting it, just to infuriate me and I just ended up turning it off completely and told him, I’m not letting you push my buttons! and just turned it back on again a few minutes later when the real news came back on. He’ll also walk in the room and turn off or change the music I’m listening to just because he doesn’t like it, or I ask him to set up a TV show for my mother and I ( because we can’t figure out how to get it on to the TV from the computer) and he conveniently “forgets”, or starts arguments with me purposely knowing I’ll get all heated up and worked up, just to get me riled up and mad. He’s an asshole like that. Any possible chance to piss me off and he’ll go out of his way to do it and even to set up a situation he knows will anger or upset me.
The 10 YR old’s the same only his tactic is mercilessly teasing my dog to annoy me. He’ll yell and get him barking or chasing after him because he sees it as aggressive and a threat, and he’ll give him the Evil Eye and make dirty faces at him or call him names or throw things at him or try to kick him, or rattle the door because he knows he hates it and it gets him going. Then Buddy barks and goes after him(and is now conditioned to not like him and to be wary of him) and my mother and hubby yell at and blame him even though the 10 YR old’s always starting it by always teasing him. I tell him to stop but no one ever listens to anything I say and my mother and hubby never tell him off; they just yell at the dog when he responds. One day he’s going to go too far and end up bitten and it will be his own fault but of course they’ll never blame him and then they also blame me for always ‘excusing’ my dog even though I do also tell him to just ignore him and not to let him upset him. The other kids and my mother love provoking and goading me too by their hurtful, demeaning, cruel comments. My family are basically just shit disturbers and bullies. They’re just like my hubby. I have to get out of this toxic place.
3 weeks ago a Facebook friend’s hubby also had a stroke and was in the hospital and a few days ago was sent home but they said he needed heart surgery as well but were waiting as he’s too weak but at home he still had a fever that wouldn’t let up and he was declining but refused to go back but his wife called an ambulance and they admitted him to hospice care 2 days ago and yesterday his kidneys shut down and he died. Isn’t that just the saddest thing? My poor friend’s been going thru hell these past few weeks and now this…