Cardio Yesterday I saw the cardiologist. He turned out to be this really hot good-looking Egyptian guy and I thought I was going to pass out and most likely my heart was racing! I haven’t seen a man so beautiful in such a long time! OMG! He said my cholesterol is high which can cause heart attacks and strokes and he would normally put me on a medication for it now except with my liver issues he’s going to wait for now. I had an ECG while there and he’s going to book an echocardiogram which is basically an ultrasound of the heart, a CT scan with contrast dye to see if any arteries are blocked, and a stress test, like running a treadmill of which I will most certainly drop dead as I get out of breath just going up the stairs!He said the last monitor showed I have had a slow heart rate. I also now have the Holter heart monitor I’m wearing 24 hours a day for the next 2 weeks.In the waiting room I also saw a white woman in her 50’s with these incredible dreadlocks down to her waist and I told her, I love your dreads! They’re awesome! and she told me it took her 10 years to grow her hair and 2 weeks to make the dreads. When I sat down in the exam room a feeling also swept thru me From this moment on today your life is about to change…… so I wonder if it means that he’ll find something and it will finally be known what’s causing all my symptoms at long last and it can be dealt with….either that, or I die… way or the other it changes…


Here’s a photo I took driving along the highway to my appointment. I kept seeing all these forests of beautiful snow-fallen fir trees and it was the most amazing, spectacular, beautiful thing, and the thought came into my head, If I die right now at least I would have seen something beautiful today. If it turns out I do have a heart problem or I die of a heart issue I literally would have died of a broken heart, which is pretty ironic considering after my lifetime of rejection, abuse, bullying, trauma, misfortune, victimization, brokenness and unhappiness I do have a broken heart and I have for a long time ; my poor heart has taken so much abuse, hurt, rejection, and pain. Dying of a broken heart would be so fitting for me, so symbolic, so perfect, so poetic. I worry when I do die though who will pray for my soul? I know my family wouldn’t bother, so who will pray for me? Perhaps our priests but who else? No one loves me enough to pray for me…

I also had to remove my nose ring for the MRI the other day and it was hard to take out and I struggled with it and then when I put it back in later that night I really had a hard time; the stud I originally had just wouldn’t go in, no matter how hard I tried; it wouldn’t go in the hole and I knew it wouldn’t close over in just one day but I tried and tried and wrestled with it so I thought Maybe if I try a hoop it will work? but still no luck, and I kept poking and poking and my nose really hurt and was bleeding and after an hour I finally got it thru! Now my poor nose really hurts though, still, and it’s all red and swollen and I can’t even touch it. Figures. Just my luck.

I also told my hubby to stop leaving the light on in the diningroom; to turn it off when he leaves the room because we can’t afford the electricity(my mother even told me she stays awake at night worrying about $$$ and how we’re going to pay our bills) and he denied it was him and then he flips out and screamed at me to shut up several times, overly mad given the situation, over reacting,  and when I said about my heart monitor fits in my pocket the 16 YR old asked what was in my pocket and then smirked, Knowing you it was probably drugs and in the car I took something out of my parka pocket and a skunk smell wafted thru at the same time and my hubby accused me, thinking it was weed, and snarked, Do you have drugs in there? and him, the 16, 14, and 10 year olds were all calling Buddy “ugly” too just to be mean, just to upset me, and I just wish I could drive and then when they do things like that I could just hop into my car (my Mustang) and just take off and hit the open road and just drive, and drive, and drive, to anywhere, just to get away from them, just to feel free and to escape and to get out of that toxic life.

I found out as well a friend from the old church was in a bad highway accident the end of November and was badly injured and she got just released from the hospital last week! Now she needs extensive rehab to learn to walk and has trouble with speech. She was in really, really bad shape. I can’t believe it. That’s horrible. Our oldest has also been friends with her son ever since he was 12.