One of my biggest regrets in life ( as well as marrying, or even just meeting my hubby and having kids) is that I never got to find love and romance or passion. I keep trying to tell myself that it’s never too late, that there’s someone out there for everyone, that you’re never too old to find love, that my soul-mate and eternal companion is out there somewhere….but the odds aren’t very likely. Guys aren’t exactly lining up for ugly, fat girls with Asperger’s, bi-polar, social phobia, etc. I’m the kind of girl that never even gets a second glance…or even a first glance for that matter. I’m not pretty or attractive in any way, I’m not smart, I have no skills or $$$$, no way to support myself or contribute in any way, no redeeming qualities….. What do I have to offer anyone….and then this small, still voice spoke to me and replied, love.
That just suddenly hit me hard and it was just an overwhelming emotional moment and then it hit me, Just like God loves me. I do have so much love to give to the right person though, someone who loves me, cherishes me, respects me, treats me with kindness and gentleness, someone who cares enough about me to help me heal,someone who sees value and worth in me, someone who can show me that life can be worth living again and that I’m worth loving. Ever since I was 14 or 15 I’d had this fantasy in my head of my Dream Man and how when I grow up I’m going to marry a tall, dark, handsome Egyptian guy, who I referred to as MHE, or My Handsome Egyptian. It has always stayed with me but I know it will never come true. Even though I do have lots of love for the right person they can never get past my outer appearance to get any further, to get to know me any more, or to have any interest; they’re turned off right away by the way I look so I never have a chance, and I’d esp. never have a chance with someone like that; way out of my league. If only there was someone out there who could look past my looks and value the heart and what’s on the inside and could see something in me, something worth loving, and who loves me just the way I am. Someone who would be satisfied that love is all I have to give. Someone I can love back,too.
As well, poor Buddy’s still exhausted from his days of mating and the poor old dog slept all day and I think he’s going to sleep for a week, and I’m still jet-lagged tired and sleep deprived and even though I did have a good sleep overnight and napped during the day it’s still not enough to catch up on days of lost sleep and it’s going to take awhile. I’m still shaken up from the experience too and just hope not traumatized, but my nerves are still shot and I’m still trembling, have this massive headache and am just completely wiped out physically and emotionally.It really took a toll on me.It was only by the grace of God that I got thru it and every day I would pray for the strength to endure. The 16 YR old also groused to me, We’re not glad you’re back; we didn’t miss you, and I told her, I didn’t miss you,either! I swear, my family really sucks. I really wish that I could move out and live on my own with just Buddy but I have no $$$$ so how can I possibly afford rent and bills somewhere? Plus I don’t know how to do the basic things of life such as banking and taxes; I’d need someone to help me with things like that. It’s just such a hopeless situation I’m stuck in and can’t seem to find a way out even though I desperately want to. It’s almost as if the universe just doesn’t want me to be happy.