Never Good Enough.

IAm I was mentioning something or other about Heaven and my hubby snorted to me, Yeah….like you’re ever going to make it there!  I told him, What can you say? At least I have a strong faith in God, cultivate and nurture that faith, go to church, respect God, and don’t blaspheme holy things, unlike you! What an asshole, and who is he to say,anyway? Only God can judge and at least I try; I make an effort, work towards that goal and have tried to raise my kids godly. Even though they’ve turned away from it at least I did try. I’m really pissed-off though; who does he think he is to say I’m  not worthy of Heaven, that I’m not good enough to make it; what makes him think that he’s “qualified” to judge anybody? He’s a godless heathen! Ultimately,and what really matters, is what God thinks, not other people, and on Judgement Day we will all have to face Him and he doesn’t care if we’re pretty or popular, or smart, or successful; He will judge us on our heart; what we’re really like on the inside, on how much love we have, how much love we give, how kind we are, how compassionate and sympathetic, how we treat others, how much we do the right thing, even when no one else is looking, on our integrity and ethics, on how much we respect and obey Him, how strong our faith is, what kind of person we are…

As well, my hubby also made a snarky comment that I’m to blame, that it’s my fault for having White Matter Disease in my brain, causing me to be forgetful and confused like an old timer with Alzheimers and when I asked him, Really? So does that also mean if it turns out I have a heart defect, or even cancer, that that’s my fault,too?……and the asshole said, yes. Words can’t even begin to describe how miserably unhappy I am with him and how every second of every day I just can’t stand living under the same roof as him anymore(I can’t even bear to look  at him anymore) and just have to get out.I want to divorce his ass and start over; a new life, a new beginning, where I might actually have a shot at being happy but I can’t do it on my own; I need help. The other day Patti and I discussing my toxic family she also asked which of my kids is the nicest to me and I thought for a minute and it’s the oldest and the 18 YR old.

I went to the lab and had more blood work done again as well and got my heart CT scan app’t booked for next week and Patti said she should be able to find out in early March if her dog is pregnant or not….if Buddy is going to be a father…. if her dog is Buddy’s Baby Mama! I don’t really think she’s thought ahead about puppies though as with her perfectionist neat-freak obsessive personality I don’t think she’s aware how messy puppies are; they pee and shit everywhere and chew things up….that’s just going to drive her crazy. She also hadn’t thought ahead of the expenses,either; when we bred our Chihuahuas years ago back in the 80’s the mother needed to eat more prego, and calcium supplements in her diet as well as pre-natal vitamins and she needed an x-ray to check the pups and complications at birth she needed a cesarian with cost 800$ (and that was back then)…and it turned out she died and we had to hand-raise the puppies, incl. feeding them every 2-3 hours,incl. during the night, with a special formula and then they need 3 sets of vaccines before you can sell them at 8 weeks +….in a way it would sort of serve her right if after that she’s not even pregnant….ha,ha…