Cruel Torture.

tortureRack Every day I hope and pray it’s my last and I implore and beg God to take me. I’ve had enough of all the neverending suffering, crisis, hardship, misfortune, trauma, unhappiness, despair,hurt and pain that never ends. It just goes on and on, jumping from one right to the other, my “break” never comes, and I only ever feel disappointment, failure and loss; I keep longing for love and happiness that never comes, that I can never attain, and that I fear just isn’t meant to be. I don’t understand why He still keeps me alive despite this and it feels to me like it’s some sort of sick and cruel torture, like I just keep being strung along, all for nothing, as I hope and wait for My Time to come, but it never does. I’ve even attempted suicide some 6 times, perhaps more, I’ve lost count at this point, but even that doesn’t work. God just won’t take me and I can’t figure out why. Why does He allow me to still keep on living and keep suffering thru a life of utter misery and unhappiness?

Despite the numerous tragedies, abuses, heartaches, trials and traumas I have endured I have always bounced back before but ever since the 14 YR old(who I was the closest to) stopped loving me, shut down, turned away from me and broke last year with her battle with depression, being suicidal and anorexia that just completely shattered me and I was never able to recover from; it just gutted me and I was never able to recover  and it left me completely defenceless with no resources left to fight any more battles and crisis that would follow, incl. our most recent one; I have nothing left, I’m just spent, empty, depleted. I can no longer bounce back. Every inch I had left in me to fight, every strength, every hope, every energy, every determination, every willpower, every being in myself is just gone now, all used up. I have nothing left anymore.

The best thing I can do is die. It’s the only way all this misery and hopelessness will finally ever end and I will be free and at peace. No more stress, anxiety, and worry. No more bullying from my toxic family. No more endless crisis. No more financial issues. When my hubby loses his job and my drug coverage ends, for example, it’ll cost a whopping 800$ a month just for my meds alone and there’s no way we can afford it, yet I can’t just go off my medications; that would be catastrophic in itself.Plus, with me gone they could get an even smaller house, with only 3 bedrooms instead of 4 and they would also have my life insurance $$$$ to help with the cost of another house and moving expenses, and they’d be glad to be rid of me,anyway so everyone wins.I just can’t do this anymore. I have nothing left, but what does it take , how much more pain and suffering do I have to endure before God hears my prayer and takes me?

Speaking of my toxic family, it was nice with my hubby gone for 3 days. Nice without him here to provoke and berate me, and I even got hot water in the mornings for my bath without him hogging it all first for his shower and not leaving me enough but as soon as he got back it was the same as always and when I muted the redneck sports on the news as BOTH my mother and I hate it(majority rules) he kept putting it back on and then she betrays me and sides with him like she always does(even though she doesn’t like it,either; she always sides with him against me) and then he turned the news off so I couldn’t watch it at all so I just went to my computer and watched it online. He’s not my boss and he’s not controlling me. He knows the sports and country music is a line I won’t cross. It’s a game-changer. That’s the 2 things I just hate and won’t tolerate. He can watch it on his own if he wants, but not when I’m in the room. I know he just does it because he knows I hate it and he delights in annoying me.

I sometimes still hold on to the hope that maybe, perhaps, my life might turn out like Good Friday and Jesus’ Resurrection on Easter: what appears to be hopeless and lost on Good Friday(with his death) turns to joy and a new beginning on Easter with His Resurrection; a new life, a new hope, a new beginning; all is not lost afterall. I was thinking that ideally if we do have to move that maybe the 23 year old and I ( neither of us are welcome here and are always being told to move out) could get a small 2 bedroom house somewhere here in the area together so he could still go to his jiu-jitsu that he loves and I could still walk to church and the others could move together wherever they want. We could use some $$$$ from when they sell the house to get a small place and they use the rest. He and I get along well and then if I go on disability I’d have an income and have my meds covered and he’d get a job and we could share expenses and Buddy would live with us and he and I get along ok, and that way I’d also have some independence and be away from my toxic family but wouldn’t be alone and would have someone to help me…. but is it possible?

Good Friday.

GoodFriday Today is Good Friday, the day Jesus was crucified and died for us, for our sins, and for our salvation.I never could figure out why they called it Good; it certainly wasn’t good for poor Jesus! He died a cruel torturous agonizing death. The Gospel at today’s Mass is really long,too, like 10-12 pages and at Mass last night the words precious in God’s sight jumped out at me off the pages of the Missal, as if they were speaking to me directly, assuring me of His love, even when no one else loves me (besides my dog) and the people I see every week in church even feel more like family than my actual family does. I’d asked my hubby as well to come back from Toronto last night in time to pick me up after church as I didn’t want to walk home alone in the dark( and as it also turned out it was heavy rain,too) but of course he didn’t give a shit and hadn’t even left Toronto yet when I got back from church at 20: 45.

As well, one of the kids intentionally sabotaged both my sets of headphones as on one the wire was clean cut in half and the other a long wire was poking out of the spongy part on the ear, so there’s no way it was an accident. My family sucks. My guess would be the 11 year old as he’s destructive and known for ruining things and to which my mother snarked, Well, have you been extra mean to him lately? so typical of her, nothing’s ever his fault, always someone else’s, usually me; I always get blamed for everything, and when he asked her if Buddy would ever love him the way he loves me she hissed, He’ll never love anyone like he loves Mama,and she’ll never love anyone like she loves him! It’s quite simple though,really; I treat people the way they treat me. He loves me and I love him back. My mother also snapped at me, You always make my life so difficult!

and there you have it. That’s how she feels about me. Everything’s my fault.Everything wrong in her life is all because of me. I knew she never wanted me or loved me. She’s one of those people that never should have had a kid. I never should have,either, and I wouldn’t have if I knew how it was going to turn out, that they’d inherit my crazy, and that the kids would end up turning on me and hating me and how much trauma and stress it would be and how I wouldn’t get any joy or fulfillment out of it; only pain and misery. My hubby also said his job interview yesterday didn’t go as well as the one the day before and now I’m losing all hope. I was doing pretty good before but now it’s all come crashing down and feeling hopeless is not a good place to be and when I lose hope is when I get suicidal as I figure if nothing’s ever going to change and there’s no hope of improvement then what’s the point? Why keep carrying on being so miserable and just hating my life?

I also searched online for available houses in the area my hubby mentioned and it was so disappointing and hopeless and out of our price range and reach. Plus, they didn’t even have brick Century homes that both my mother and I like, they’re all newer homes and it’s bad enough if I have to move when I don’t want to( I don’t like change which is a common Asperger’s trait) I should at least like the house and not have to live in some ugly house that I hate. Most of them were that ugly cheap aluminum siding too. Ugh. All of them were also way beyond what we can afford and of the 64 available I didn’t like a single one of them even if we could afford it, which we can’t. It all just seems so hopeless now. I also notice my lips are really blue now too( they’re often a blue-tinged colour from bad circulation) indicating a likely heart issue and I actually hope I die because I can’t keep doing this, going from one crisis to another, it’s all just too much, too overwhelming,and I don’t have anything left anymore, nothing left to keep fighting. I’m done. I just want it to be over. I pray I have a heart-attack and then it will finally all be over.

Going Backwards.

apartments My biggest concern if we have to move closer to Toronto for my hubby’s work if he finds a new job there is the cost as the closer you get to the city the more expensive properties are. In Toronto itself the average 3 bedroom detached house goes for over a million and there will still be 6 of us living at home which is why we also want to downsize to a smaller house(4 bedrooms) as well( now we have 3 floors, 7 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms) to pay less on property taxes and utilities as we’re barely getting by now and finances are a real struggle and every year my mother has to keep taking out loans to just pay the property taxes and home insurance but the problem is that we can’t afford anything in that price range(and our house now is all paid off) and houses are way cheaper here and even anywhere closer to the city you’re still looking at 750K to 900K and there’s still no way; that’s still waaaay out of our price range and the most I’ve seen a house in this area go for is around 450K so if we’re lucky that would be the most we’d get for this house and that’s not even half of the cost of the houses the closer you get to the city. My BFF has a townhouse in Stouffville and even so she paid 650K just for that.

The 23 YR old said we just have to give up on a house, which he calls a “luxury” and rent an apartment instead but none of us want to live in an apartment; it would be going backwards, and there is a difference between downsizing and slumming! His standards are considerably lower than the rest of us though and he’s content to basically just coast along in life, content with the very basic minimum, and his attitude is like, If you end up living out in the street there’s nothing you can do about  it,anyway so why worry….. Why would we ever go from home ownership to renting? If you rent you just keep throwing $$$$ away you’ll never see again and never get anything back out of it, plus the rent always goes up and you can be forced to move anytime, plus we wouldn’t be able to have a dog, and wouldn’t have a backyard and I spend all summer outside, plus we’d hear noise from neighbours above, below and on both sides of us…..there’s no way. That’s not even a consideration or an option. Not happening.

We’re just looking for a smaller house, but still a house. I’ve lived in apartments before and I’d never go back. Ideally we just downsize to a smaller house but more locally where houses are more affordable, not too close to Toronto(as it is now, we live 2 HRS away one way drive) where there’s no way we could ever afford it, and my hubby understandably doesn’t want to drive that long commute every day so maybe another option might be that we don’t have to move at all but just he maybe rents a room there during the week so he’s closer to work and just comes home on the weekends?

As well I watched the new Roseanne show liked I watched the original some 30 years ago and they have the same original cast living in the same house playing the same characters. It was just like old times, like it continued on where it left off. I really liked it and it was nice to see again. They’re such rednecks and it’s so funny. They mentioned a son named Jimmy though and I don’t know where he came from; I don’t remember any “Jimmy” from the old series back in the 80’s; they just had the 3 kids: Becky, Darlene, and DJ……where the hell did Jimmy come from? Today is also the 29th and I keep thinking about that dream I had recently that I die on the 29th…..except I never was informed which 29th (I just know it wasn’t February this year!) of what month and I wonder if today could possibly even be the day? That would be kind of cool though, with it being the Easter Triduum  starting today,with Mass 3 days in a row, with today being Holy Thursday… ending Holy Week, the holiest week of the year….

Swimming Upstream.

salmon The 11 YR old was playing Minecraft and he designed this treehouse where the only way you can go in is to swim upstream up a waterfall and then it occurred to me that that’s me, that’s how I feel going thru my life, just like a salmon swimming upstream, against the current, to spawn. It’s not an easy thing to swim upstream, against the current.It’s not easy for me to fight to survive thru my life. That’s me and my life with all the crisis, trials, hardships, traumas,set-backs, disappointments, failures, knock-downs hits, abuse, rejection, difficulties, challenges, bad luck, pain, disadvantages, victimization, etc.. that I’ve had to constantly face in my life, hurtling from one right to another, with rarely a break in-between to even catch a break,a breath, or to refuel. I feel like I’m always swimming upstream, against the current, struggling, flailing, going against this force with all my might, and it has almost killed me many times and yet I still keep trying. I have always had to go against the flow, push back, hold on, endure, push thru, soldier on, charging ahead, keep swimming.Will I ever make it though? I feel like I’m always struggling to swim upstream but I never seem to get to the calm and safety of the other side. I’m always just struggling but I never seem to get anywhere for it. I just keep endlessly swimming upstream but I never get anywhere.

As well, my hubby found a temporary job in the same company for 3 months anyway, so we have income and drug and dental coverage for the next 3 months, until the end of June, but he’ll have to work every night until 8 pm, but the job fair(where he was all day yesterday) continues on today as well and he had 2 interviews yesterday and hopefully more today and I have a good feeling about it….I also had to overcome temptation to NOT eat my Easter chocolate I have to save until Sunday…..I was so tempted to just bite off the little square at the bottom where it stand in the box and maybe even a few chunks off the back where it wouldn’t be noticeable, and then just put it back in the box where no one would be able to tell……ha ha ha I’m so bad!!!  😀   Gluttony is my biggest sin.