The Nose-Ring.

Nosering 2 weeks or so or a month or whatever it was ago I had another CT scan and had to take out my earrings and nose-ring and afterwards I went to put them back in but I couldn’t get the nose-ring( a diamond stud like the one seen here) back in. I spent over 30 minutes trying to twist and turn it in but it wouldn’t go thru the hole no matter what, no matter how hard I tried, and my nose was really sore, red, swollen,and bleeding so I just left it out a few days to heal before trying again. Several days later I tried again, not wanting the hole to heal up and close over but I still couldn’t get it in so I tried a gold hoop instead, thinking maybe that will go in easier and work….and it still took forever and hurt and bled but I finally got it in. Then one day while I was at Patti’s it came undone in there and got stuck and was really pinching so I just took it out and left it until my recent scan the other day.

After my recent scan a couple of days ago ( I also have an ultrasound of my liver and kidneys next week but I don’t have to remove earrings for that; I just need to drink a shitload 1 HR before and not pee as they need a full bladder for a clearer image) I attempted to put it back in again, after healing for awhile but it still wouldn’t budge and refused to go in, almost as if the hole had closed up or as if it almost wasn’t meant to, or God didn’t want it to; He was stopping it, trying to tell me something… after all that struggle I figured that maybe for some reason God didn’t want me to have that nose-ring anymore ( even though I’d had it for 31 years and even pierced it myself with a big safety pin I’d sterilized first when I was 20, before piercings even became trendy; I was ahead of my time) even though I love it and will miss it. I don’t know what else would explain it. I’ve never had problems like that getting it in before. So I just figure it’s God’s will and for some reason He doesn’t want me to have it anymore( perhaps it will cause an infection later at some point, or something? who knows?) so I let it go and gave up. It’s up to me to be obedient, not to question why…God’s plans and God’s ways are bigger than ours…

I also have a desire to shave my head again and go back to my buzz-cut. Every now and then I do; I get bored and miss it and want to be bold, bald, and badass again, and it expresses my free spirit and rebellious off-beat funky personality perfectly,and I will never be pretty but I can always be unique. It’s also sort of like “armour” in a way too as it “scares” people off and they keep a distance from me so they don’t get too close and they leave me alone. Aunt Flow showed up as well, just when I thought menopause had finally started and I thought tomorrow it would be 8 weeks but when I checked on my calendar since the last one it was actually 9 weeks! Of course the cramps are off the charts but so far the flow isn’t too bad, surprisingly going so long, but it just started too and the second day is always the worst…

The other day at the hospital getting my CT scan for my heart my hubby saw my discharge vitals BP and heart rate and they were normal and he scoffed that I don’t really have a breathing problem or heart issues, always in denial of my medical issues, even though they’re running all these scans and tests and bloodwork and the Alpha 1 genetic disorder is looking like a strong possibility which affects the lungs( and liver) and causes breathing problems,and I’m NOT making it up; I know how I feel, I have the symptoms, and something’s draining the life and the energy out of me but he just simply refuses to see it and prefers instead to blame me and accuse me of just being “lazy” and making it up.I wonder how the asshole will feel later once I finally have a diagnosis, esp. if it turns out to be the genetic thing or something else really serious,and here he thought that I was just “faking” it all along? One day they’ll say my organs are at the end-stage failure and I’ll need a transplant or I’m dying, how will he feel then? Although he’s such a callous, cold asshole he probably still won’t even care, in fact, he’ll probably be glad to be getting rid of me. He’s also always trying to pressure my mother to sell the house even though she doesn’t want to move, saying moving is such a big hassle and expense and she would only consider it if she made more $$$$ selling this house than she spends on the next one and we were able to significantly downsize and save $$$$ otherwise there’s really no point.