The Shape Of Water.

shapeOfWater “He doesn’t know what  I lack or how I am incomplete. He sees me for what I am, as I am. He’s happy to see me every time, every day.” This is a quote from the movie The Shape of Water. It sounds like how I feel. It’s like how my dog feels about me and how God sees me and the kind of love I long for and look for with another person. I am lonely and longing and need to be loved but due to my looks, my medical issues, everything I lack it holds me back and I live a lonely miserable life. It was the same for Elisa, the main character in the movie. She was plain-looking, mute, a timid little mouse with a boring job( cleaning lady) and a boring monotonous life. She only had 2 friends; a neighbour and a co-worker.She craved love and affection just like I do, like we all do.

My mother and I have this tradition where every year we watch the Academy Award winning movie of the year even though we never watch the actual awards show. This year’s winner was The Shape of Water and even though I thought it sounded dumb; the idea of a woman falling in love with a sea creature (it was captured and held in a secret gov’t lab where she works and she befriended it and was horrified how it was being abused and mistreated and hatched a plan to free it and they fell in love) but I watched it anyway and it turned out to be much more than that. It showed that the need and longing for love is universal and that love is where you find it. It gives “incomplete” people hope that there really is someone out there that can look beyond the outside appearance, what society sees as unattractive, undesirable, worthless, damaged, incomplete, not “worth” loving, always being over-looked, cast aside, ignored and rejected and see the inside, something worth loving.Even 2 “misfits” can find eachother and find love. You also see how love and being loved and giving love transforms her. That’s what I want,too. Maybe there is some hope,afterall? This movie inspires me.

As well, I’ve had bad stomach pain for the past few days, so either my liver again or my stomach ulcer, and it feels like a gnawing pain,and I’m so tired my eyes sting and they were really itchy too as well as all over, likely jaundice from my liver, and when I told my hubby we need more $$$ as we’re really struggling he told me to go get a job when he knows that with my medical issues I can’t, plus I have no skill or experience in anything and I don’t work well with people, and then there’s also my Asperger’s, bipolar,and social phobia….and I found out that the $$$$ I get I pay the same that he does each month(he also pays for the kids’ lessons and the van expenses) towards family expenses( my contribution pays the bills, for example and some of the groceries) and he has a job so I think I’m doing pretty well considering, and he also snarked I could help out but I’m done with this family; they treat me like shit, no one ever helps me, no one shares, they bully, berate, belittle,insult, and emotionally abuse me. They exclude me and push me away. They make me feel like an unwanted burden. I’m done. I gave up on them a long time ago. I’m finished. I’ve washed my hands of them and dropped out of life. I’ve had enough. I just don’t give a shit anymore. They’ve broken me.I’m done.