Victim Souls.

victimSouls On a Catholic site I regularly read I came across an article about Victim Souls  and the thought occurred to me that perhaps that’s maybe what I am, with my life-long misfortune, bad luck, tragedies, traumas, pain, suffering, etc.. as described here: The concept of the victim soul derives from the Roman Catholic teaching on redemptive suffering. Such a person is said to be one chosen by God to suffer more than most people during life, and who generously accepts the suffering, based on the example of Christ’s own Passion.

I have always wondered why. Why am I always plagued with such bad luck, misfortune, everything always going wrong, with one crisis after another, never catching a break, endless trials and trauma….I wondered if maybe I or my family might have even been cursed someone or were being punished, but this might also be another possibility. Could I have maybe possibly been chosen by God to suffer in order to save souls, for others’ salvation? Could that possibly be my purpose in life? Even though I am nobody, just a small insignificant speck in the universe, God has been known throughout history to use the “smallest”, simple, average person to do His will, He has chosen not people of greatness, royalty, wealth and prestige, but the average, lowly, humble person to do His will and He uses people to help one another and to fulfill His purpose. If that’s true then does that mean I do have a purpose in life,afterall, a meaning, even though it also means that I have to struggle just to get thru each day and that I have to endure an unhappy miserable life. Either that, or I just really do just have bad luck…

As well, in church yesterday I had stomach and abdomenal pain so bad I almost threw up from the pain and I spent the entire Gospel and homily in the bathroom doing a shit thinking that would relieve the pain except it didn’t. I don’t know if it’s my stomach ulcer, my liver, or something in my colon but it’s getting really bad. I wish they could just figure out what’s wrong with me and what’s causing it. Whatever it is they’re just not seeing it; it’s hidden and not showing up on the tests yet continues to cause me worsening pain and fatigue. I pretty well slept all day yesterday too although that was also due to the time change; I just couldn’t get my ass in gear. I’ve also had a headache and bad lower back pain for the past 4 days as well and always feel so cold all the time and shivering.