Log Jam.

logjam It feels like I have a log jam. I’m shitting 4 times a day but only a bit ever comes out at a time( and it’s not diarrhrea) but it feels like it never empties out completely and feels like I’m literally full of shit and I always feel like I have to shit. On top of that I have alot of gas and the abdomenal, stomach, and lower back pain( that I’ve had for  months now) has been really bad every day now, almost constantly ( except for the few HRS the pain relief lasts when I take my weed; it’s the only thing that eases it, nothing else works, not ibuprofin, Buscopan, Tylenol, etc..) for the past 2 weeks or so and the pain so bad that you curl up in the fetal position and break out into a sweat from the pain.

I’m wondering why it’s getting worse, but whatever is causing it is obviously getting worse and progressing. I DO have an umbilical hernia and diverticulosis(as one of the CT scans showed) as well as a polyp on my colon they removed so maybe that could be it causing the pain, or maybe it could be my stomach ulcer is back again, or maybe a twisting or obstruction of some kind in my bowel, or perhaps even an abdomenal or aortic aneurysm or some kind of cancer? There are so many possibilities but how come whatever it is hasn’t been found or treated yet? This is getting really bad….

AppleSwan As well, this is the apple carving the 16 TR old did and when I put it up on my Facebook everyone marvelled about it, and it reminds me of on the cruise ships how they carve fancy designs into the fruit and display them at the buffet, and watching the news they were discussing domestic violence and the expert was describing abuse doesn’t always have to be physical and if he berates and belittles his wife, is controlling, there is an imbalance of power in the relationship,and she keeps being made to feel smaller and smaller then that’s still abuse….and that’s me, what I go thru, how he treats me,and how I feel. I am being emotionally abused. I knew it. The other day when Buddy and I left the room I also heard him say to the soon-to-be ( next week) 11 year old, It left…. and I’m not sure if he was referring to my dog….or about me.

As well with the #MeToo movement about women who have been sexually assaulted I know I obviously was as a kid by a relative, from age 4-12, but what I also didn’t really realize at the time but I can clearly see now is that I was also assaulted on a subway when I was a teen: I was standing up holding on to a pole as it was packed full and everyone was packed in tight like sardines and I felt this guy standing behind me pressing into me, really hard, into my ass, and then he started thrusting his hips into me, grinding, really hard, and I tried to get away but it was too crowded to be able to move. At first I thought it was an accidental bump in the crowd but then realized he was doing it on purpose and I was shocked but I still never equated it was assault, because assault was something that happened to women alone in dark alleys….I just shrugged it off as some pervert but now I realize it was much more than that and it really hit me once I realized what it really was. I don’t find it hard to believe at all that most women will experience assault or abuse of one form or another during their lives at least once….