Good Friday.

GoodFriday Today is Good Friday, the day Jesus was crucified and died for us, for our sins, and for our salvation.I never could figure out why they called it Good; it certainly wasn’t good for poor Jesus! He died a cruel torturous agonizing death. The Gospel at today’s Mass is really long,too, like 10-12 pages and at Mass last night the words precious in God’s sight jumped out at me off the pages of the Missal, as if they were speaking to me directly, assuring me of His love, even when no one else loves me (besides my dog) and the people I see every week in church even feel more like family than my actual family does. I’d asked my hubby as well to come back from Toronto last night in time to pick me up after church as I didn’t want to walk home alone in the dark( and as it also turned out it was heavy rain,too) but of course he didn’t give a shit and hadn’t even left Toronto yet when I got back from church at 20: 45.

As well, one of the kids intentionally sabotaged both my sets of headphones as on one the wire was clean cut in half and the other a long wire was poking out of the spongy part on the ear, so there’s no way it was an accident. My family sucks. My guess would be the 11 year old as he’s destructive and known for ruining things and to which my mother snarked, Well, have you been extra mean to him lately? so typical of her, nothing’s ever his fault, always someone else’s, usually me; I always get blamed for everything, and when he asked her if Buddy would ever love him the way he loves me she hissed, He’ll never love anyone like he loves Mama,and she’ll never love anyone like she loves him! It’s quite simple though,really; I treat people the way they treat me. He loves me and I love him back. My mother also snapped at me, You always make my life so difficult!

and there you have it. That’s how she feels about me. Everything’s my fault.Everything wrong in her life is all because of me. I knew she never wanted me or loved me. She’s one of those people that never should have had a kid. I never should have,either, and I wouldn’t have if I knew how it was going to turn out, that they’d inherit my crazy, and that the kids would end up turning on me and hating me and how much trauma and stress it would be and how I wouldn’t get any joy or fulfillment out of it; only pain and misery. My hubby also said his job interview yesterday didn’t go as well as the one the day before and now I’m losing all hope. I was doing pretty good before but now it’s all come crashing down and feeling hopeless is not a good place to be and when I lose hope is when I get suicidal as I figure if nothing’s ever going to change and there’s no hope of improvement then what’s the point? Why keep carrying on being so miserable and just hating my life?

I also searched online for available houses in the area my hubby mentioned and it was so disappointing and hopeless and out of our price range and reach. Plus, they didn’t even have brick Century homes that both my mother and I like, they’re all newer homes and it’s bad enough if I have to move when I don’t want to( I don’t like change which is a common Asperger’s trait) I should at least like the house and not have to live in some ugly house that I hate. Most of them were that ugly cheap aluminum siding too. Ugh. All of them were also way beyond what we can afford and of the 64 available I didn’t like a single one of them even if we could afford it, which we can’t. It all just seems so hopeless now. I also notice my lips are really blue now too( they’re often a blue-tinged colour from bad circulation) indicating a likely heart issue and I actually hope I die because I can’t keep doing this, going from one crisis to another, it’s all just too much, too overwhelming,and I don’t have anything left anymore, nothing left to keep fighting. I’m done. I just want it to be over. I pray I have a heart-attack and then it will finally all be over.