Every day I hope and pray it’s my last and I implore and beg God to take me. I’ve had enough of all the neverending suffering, crisis, hardship, misfortune, trauma, unhappiness, despair,hurt and pain that never ends. It just goes on and on, jumping from one right to the other, my “break” never comes, and I only ever feel disappointment, failure and loss; I keep longing for love and happiness that never comes, that I can never attain, and that I fear just isn’t meant to be. I don’t understand why He still keeps me alive despite this and it feels to me like it’s some sort of sick and cruel torture, like I just keep being strung along, all for nothing, as I hope and wait for My Time to come, but it never does. I’ve even attempted suicide some 6 times, perhaps more, I’ve lost count at this point, but even that doesn’t work. God just won’t take me and I can’t figure out why. Why does He allow me to still keep on living and keep suffering thru a life of utter misery and unhappiness?
Despite the numerous tragedies, abuses, heartaches, trials and traumas I have endured I have always bounced back before but ever since the 14 YR old(who I was the closest to) stopped loving me, shut down, turned away from me and broke last year with her battle with depression, being suicidal and anorexia that just completely shattered me and I was never able to recover from; it just gutted me and I was never able to recover and it left me completely defenceless with no resources left to fight any more battles and crisis that would follow, incl. our most recent one; I have nothing left, I’m just spent, empty, depleted. I can no longer bounce back. Every inch I had left in me to fight, every strength, every hope, every energy, every determination, every willpower, every being in myself is just gone now, all used up. I have nothing left anymore.
The best thing I can do is die. It’s the only way all this misery and hopelessness will finally ever end and I will be free and at peace. No more stress, anxiety, and worry. No more bullying from my toxic family. No more endless crisis. No more financial issues. When my hubby loses his job and my drug coverage ends, for example, it’ll cost a whopping 800$ a month just for my meds alone and there’s no way we can afford it, yet I can’t just go off my medications; that would be catastrophic in itself.Plus, with me gone they could get an even smaller house, with only 3 bedrooms instead of 4 and they would also have my life insurance $$$$ to help with the cost of another house and moving expenses, and they’d be glad to be rid of me,anyway so everyone wins.I just can’t do this anymore. I have nothing left, but what does it take , how much more pain and suffering do I have to endure before God hears my prayer and takes me?
Speaking of my toxic family, it was nice with my hubby gone for 3 days. Nice without him here to provoke and berate me, and I even got hot water in the mornings for my bath without him hogging it all first for his shower and not leaving me enough but as soon as he got back it was the same as always and when I muted the redneck sports on the news as BOTH my mother and I hate it(majority rules) he kept putting it back on and then she betrays me and sides with him like she always does(even though she doesn’t like it,either; she always sides with him against me) and then he turned the news off so I couldn’t watch it at all so I just went to my computer and watched it online. He’s not my boss and he’s not controlling me. He knows the sports and country music is a line I won’t cross. It’s a game-changer. That’s the 2 things I just hate and won’t tolerate. He can watch it on his own if he wants, but not when I’m in the room. I know he just does it because he knows I hate it and he delights in annoying me.
I sometimes still hold on to the hope that maybe, perhaps, my life might turn out like Good Friday and Jesus’ Resurrection on Easter: what appears to be hopeless and lost on Good Friday(with his death) turns to joy and a new beginning on Easter with His Resurrection; a new life, a new hope, a new beginning; all is not lost afterall. I was thinking that ideally if we do have to move that maybe the 23 year old and I ( neither of us are welcome here and are always being told to move out) could get a small 2 bedroom house somewhere here in the area together so he could still go to his jiu-jitsu that he loves and I could still walk to church and the others could move together wherever they want. We could use some $$$$ from when they sell the house to get a small place and they use the rest. He and I get along well and then if I go on disability I’d have an income and have my meds covered and he’d get a job and we could share expenses and Buddy would live with us and he and I get along ok, and that way I’d also have some independence and be away from my toxic family but wouldn’t be alone and would have someone to help me…. but is it possible?