Him.

EternalCompanion This actually happened to me yesterday and it’s hard to believe but it’s actually true and it just completely blew me away. Remember how not too long ago I had a dream and I was shown a vision of my Eternal Companion in Heaven who loves me and is waiting for me, and I saw in detail exactly what he looked like, with long-ish curly blonde hair, and resembled a British rock star? Well, I never forgot about that and towards the end of the Mass, right for the Gospel I notice a guy come in late and sit in the aisle right across from me and oh, my God……it was him! He looked exactly like the guy in my dream, that I had seen, my Eternal Companion!

I was just stunned and shocked speechless, I was dizzy and so overwhelmed and blown away I thought I was going to faint. It was just surreal. It was him, but he didn’t stay long and then he left right away, as soon as it was over, and loudly peeled out in a “muscle” car, the kind I also like. Oh, my God! Did he possibly come down from Heaven, as an angel in human form,perhaps, to give me some hope and reassurance and then quickly vanished into the night? Was there no communication between us because the time is not right; not until I’ve died and go to Heaven? It was just so amazing and unreal I couldn’t believe it…..but there he was. I wonder if I’ll ever see him again before I go to Heaven or if this was it? Maybe it’s a sign it’ll be soon and he came to check in one me?

As for my hubby, I don’t feel any connection to him, any loyalty, any allegience, any respect,, any commitment, any ties, any feelings, any closeness, any bond, etc, or like I “owe” him anything because of the dismissive, belittling, demeaning, condescending way he treats me. He treats me like shit and doesn’t value or respect me, or love me, or value my thoughts, needs, or opinions, he just constantly puts me down, insults and berates me, criticizes and emotionally abuses me so I don’t feel like I owe him anything. I want to be free.

Also, in church I was seeing blurry and double again and I’m losing my mind so much that I couldn’t even remember prayers that I’ve memorized my whole life, and my stomach and abdomenal pain is really bad again as well and now my arms and legs feel so weak and “drained” and I get weaker and more and more fatigued every day.I feel like I’m dying and I don’t think it will be too long now. There’s just no energy, no strength, no motivation, no spark, no life, left in me anymore.

Think.

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As well, my hips really hurt I can hardly walk and I limp and hobble slowly along and it feels like my legs have come disjointed from the hip bones and I wondered why as I never did anything….and then I remembered when I fell off the veranda and into the bush by the stairs the other day so that must be it. My abdomenal pain is really bad as well and I’m still itchy and it’s not just from my sunburn and peeling skin because even the soles of my feet are itchy too and that part never even gets tanned or burned so it’s not that and I remember from when I had the Obstetric Cholestasis with the youngest itchy palms and soles were a hallmark sign of liver issues. I also saw a thing online that gave 12 examples of emotional abuse….and guess what….my hubby does all of them to me and it cemented and verified and validated that I really am being abused(and by my mother and kids as well) and I’m not imagining it; it’s not all in my head like they try to make me believe. It is real.

 

Don’t Shave Your Beaver!

beaver Now this has got to be the strangest thing I’ve ever blogged about but it’s good advice: ladies, don’t shave your beaver! I did it yesterday(previously it had been shaved into a neat “landing strip” which I picked up when I used to do gymnastics and just continued on with) thinking it would be sexy and also keep things down there more neat, clean,and tidy, but what I thought was a good idea ended up not being such a good idea afterall because now it itches like crazy which, I assume, is the hair starting to grow back. Oh, my God, it’s just so itchy and it’s not a place I can normally scratch, either, or at least not in public, only when I’m alone. Aaaarrrgggh! Oh, shit, this is agony! It brings back the memory of showering in the girl’s change room after swim class at school in grade 8 and there was a hole in the wall that divided the boys and girls change rooms and the boys would peek at us changing and one of the bullies was overheard “rating” the girls and he said about me I “had a good body except for the bare c*nt ” and for the rest of the year he’d loudly yell out to me, Hey, Baldy! It was so embarrassing and I hoped to God that no one knew what it meant or how he knew.

As well, I came across a lemon pie in the kitchen and all of a sudden something just overwhelmed me and took over me and nothing else mattered at that moment other than that pie but I only like the lemon filling, not the meringue top or the crust….so what I did was “hide” my dastardly deed  by peeling off the meringue top and scooping out and eating only the lemon part inside and then replacing the meringue back on top to hide the evidence. I also heard this song on a TV commercial and I couldn’t figure out what language it was as I didn’t recognize it( and usually I’m very good at that) and it turned out all along it was English! My mind must really be going, and to make me think I’m losing my mind even more the girls took and hid my iPod while trying to “convince” me they didn’t, so I’d think I was crazy.

Poor Buddy also fell off a chair and face-planted on the floor, poor thing, and I was thinking how much it hurt how Patti used me and the only people that I wouldn’t mind using me are hot guys, like the hunk reporter on the TV news or the Trivago hunk on their commercial; they can use me as much as they want!!!! Being ravished by guys like that, always out of my league, would be a dream come true! Maybe I should just go ahead and hire a gigolo? 😀

Rasta Hoodie.

RastaHoody I took Buddy out for one of his walks and I threw on my Rasta hoodie(the same as seen here) and I had shorts on underneath only I didn’t realize it until I was out but the hoodie went past my knees and was longer than my shorts so it looked like I wasn’t wearing any pants, just the hoodie and bare legs, and I was horrified and embarrassed, knowing people must think it’s either sleazy or my mind is gone, and to make it even worse is I’m dizzy all day as well and I was staggering around so they probably thought I was a drunken old hag.When I was bringing in the empty garbage and recycling boxes I also lost my balance and fell into the bush next to the stairs.Way to go, klutz!

I always somehow seem to embarrass myself, look stupid,fail at life, say and do the wrong things, be inappropriate; I’m just a fop, a bumbling idiot, inept, a flop, and awkward, alot of it mostly having to do with my Asperger’s, social phobia and bipolar,which cloud and distort my thinking and processing and behaviour, and  and others related to all my medical issues. Due to my Asperger’s as well people often think I come across as stuck-up( because I don’t socialize, but it’s the opposite; I don’t think I’m better than them, I don’t feel I’m good enough and I’m nervous and awkward around people and never know what to say, do, or how to act) or inconsiderate or rude, etc. because I can’t read social clues and I just don’t know the appropriate responses, questions, reactions,and aren’t even aware of the social faux-pas I’ve committed, etc. or what’s expected even though I do try it always backfires on me(and then I’m shamed,criticized, scolded, ridiculed, and made to feel ashamed and embarrassed) and truth be told, I’d much rather have them think I’m selfish or rude than for them to know how stupid I am.

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This is also one of my fave. photos of the almost-15 year old when she was 5, back when she used to love me and she was sweet and loving,when she was happy, before she broke so hard and pushed me away, before I lost her and the closeness we once had.Of all the kids she was the one I was closest to. I really miss those days and I actually feel as though I’m grieving, because I have lost who she was and the relationship we once had.In a way I also feel betrayed,too.Every day I still keep praying I’ll get her back….. We also got a KitchenAid mixer( it’s black, but I prefer the light pink ones but no one ever gives a shit what I think) and the ceiling’s leaking from all the rain but not where it usually does but a different spot,  and with my face peeling due to my sunburn(it’s also turned to tan now) it’s like free dermabrasion with the first few outer layers of skin burned off and peeling away, revealing a smooth, fresh new layer underneath, and the girls met up with the 23 YR old’s ex GF yesterday too for a final visit and goodbye before she moves back home to California tomorrow. I’m glad they’re still friends and will be keeping in touch. They’ve been friends for 4-5 years.

Raining Mice.

mice How’s this for bizarre? The 23 YR old, 16 YR old,and 14 YR old were hanging around at the side of the house when I suddenly heard this shrill God-awful scream of bloody murder: it turned out it was the 16 YR old; she was standing near the wall when 4 grey baby mice just descended on her, literally rained down on her, from either the roof or the wall( and there were some clinging onto the side of the house when I got there to see) plopping on her head and landing at her feet, scurrying over her feet and she just freaked out. The next thing I know they were calling me to come catch them as they’re too “scared” to so I grabbed garden gloves and set out to work and when I saw one clinging to the wall I said, Oooh, it’s just a baby! It’s soooo cute!  and tried to gently grab it by the tail( the same way I always catch mice) but much to my surprise the little f*cker leaped off to an incredible distance away, like a flying squirrel, landing on the ground far off and scampered into a hole in the steps; I never knew they could do that; I mean, that sucker can really jump, it was practically airborne!

My sunburn is also peeling now and I feel like a snake shedding it’s skin, and my bloodwork I had done the other day came back(I check my results online) and my liver enzymes are flagged again and are high so maybe my bad “stomach” pain recently isn’t my ulcer back afterall, maybe it’s my liver? I also always feel cold all the time, and have chills and am always shivering, even when it’s nice and warm, even when it’s 17 C. Buddy’s also anxious, agitated, and seems worried and out of sorts: he keeps licking my face, whimpering,and scratching my leg, almost as if he can sense something…

The 16 YR old also got a call from a teen boy who works at the same grocery store she does and he asked her to switch shifts so they’d be on the same shift….he likes her…which I think is sweet, but he happens to be Black and she’s all like ewwww…. being racist and mean.If it were me first of all I’d be happy and flattered that a boy was even interested in me(esp. since they never are) and I’d date anyone that was nice, regardless of race, colour, ethnic background, or religion. We don’t allow the kids to date until they’re 18 anyway and finished high school but I think it was cute how he likes her.

The attack in Toronto on Yonge St. is also the same area the second-oldest lives and works but luckily she wasn’t walking there at the time of the attack, and I was born and raised there too and every weekend my friends and I would always walk down Yonge St.(which used to be really “seedy” back then) to gawk at the freaks that used to frequent the area back in the 80’s, like the crazy people that would talk to themselves out loud, the “bag ladies”, the junkies,the hookers and pimps, or the punks with the spiky blue dyed Mohawk hair( it’s more mainstream now but then it was an oddity) the Hare Krishnas( they’d give out free food) etc. It just goes to show that terrorism can occur anywhere( and it’s racist that since the attacker isn’t Muslim they’re NOT calling it a terrorist attack even though terrorism is defined by the act you commit, no matter who you are, and not by what religion you are) and that nowhere is really safe.