Him.

EternalCompanion This actually happened to me yesterday and it’s hard to believe but it’s actually true and it just completely blew me away. Remember how not too long ago I had a dream and I was shown a vision of my Eternal Companion in Heaven who loves me and is waiting for me, and I saw in detail exactly what he looked like, with long-ish curly blonde hair, and resembled a British rock star? Well, I never forgot about that and towards the end of the Mass, right for the Gospel I notice a guy come in late and sit in the aisle right across from me and oh, my God……it was him! He looked exactly like the guy in my dream, that I had seen, my Eternal Companion!

I was just stunned and shocked speechless, I was dizzy and so overwhelmed and blown away I thought I was going to faint. It was just surreal. It was him, but he didn’t stay long and then he left right away, as soon as it was over, and loudly peeled out in a “muscle” car, the kind I also like. Oh, my God! Did he possibly come down from Heaven, as an angel in human form,perhaps, to give me some hope and reassurance and then quickly vanished into the night? Was there no communication between us because the time is not right; not until I’ve died and go to Heaven? It was just so amazing and unreal I couldn’t believe it…..but there he was. I wonder if I’ll ever see him again before I go to Heaven or if this was it? Maybe it’s a sign it’ll be soon and he came to check in one me?

As for my hubby, I don’t feel any connection to him, any loyalty, any allegience, any respect,, any commitment, any ties, any feelings, any closeness, any bond, etc, or like I “owe” him anything because of the dismissive, belittling, demeaning, condescending way he treats me. He treats me like shit and doesn’t value or respect me, or love me, or value my thoughts, needs, or opinions, he just constantly puts me down, insults and berates me, criticizes and emotionally abuses me so I don’t feel like I owe him anything. I want to be free.

Also, in church I was seeing blurry and double again and I’m losing my mind so much that I couldn’t even remember prayers that I’ve memorized my whole life, and my stomach and abdomenal pain is really bad again as well and now my arms and legs feel so weak and “drained” and I get weaker and more and more fatigued every day.I feel like I’m dying and I don’t think it will be too long now. There’s just no energy, no strength, no motivation, no spark, no life, left in me anymore.

Think.

Screenshot_496

Screenshot_495

Screenshot_494

Screenshot_493

Screenshot_492

Screenshot_491

Screenshot_490

Screenshot_489

Screenshot_488

Screenshot_487

Screenshot_486

Screenshot_485

As well, my hips really hurt I can hardly walk and I limp and hobble slowly along and it feels like my legs have come disjointed from the hip bones and I wondered why as I never did anything….and then I remembered when I fell off the veranda and into the bush by the stairs the other day so that must be it. My abdomenal pain is really bad as well and I’m still itchy and it’s not just from my sunburn and peeling skin because even the soles of my feet are itchy too and that part never even gets tanned or burned so it’s not that and I remember from when I had the Obstetric Cholestasis with the youngest itchy palms and soles were a hallmark sign of liver issues. I also saw a thing online that gave 12 examples of emotional abuse….and guess what….my hubby does all of them to me and it cemented and verified and validated that I really am being abused(and by my mother and kids as well) and I’m not imagining it; it’s not all in my head like they try to make me believe. It is real.

 

Don’t Shave Your Beaver!

beaver Now this has got to be the strangest thing I’ve ever blogged about but it’s good advice: ladies, don’t shave your beaver! I did it yesterday(previously it had been shaved into a neat “landing strip” which I picked up when I used to do gymnastics and just continued on with) thinking it would be sexy and also keep things down there more neat, clean,and tidy, but what I thought was a good idea ended up not being such a good idea afterall because now it itches like crazy which, I assume, is the hair starting to grow back. Oh, my God, it’s just so itchy and it’s not a place I can normally scratch, either, or at least not in public, only when I’m alone. Aaaarrrgggh! Oh, shit, this is agony! It brings back the memory of showering in the girl’s change room after swim class at school in grade 8 and there was a hole in the wall that divided the boys and girls change rooms and the boys would peek at us changing and one of the bullies was overheard “rating” the girls and he said about me I “had a good body except for the bare c*nt ” and for the rest of the year he’d loudly yell out to me, Hey, Baldy! It was so embarrassing and I hoped to God that no one knew what it meant or how he knew.

As well, I came across a lemon pie in the kitchen and all of a sudden something just overwhelmed me and took over me and nothing else mattered at that moment other than that pie but I only like the lemon filling, not the meringue top or the crust….so what I did was “hide” my dastardly deed  by peeling off the meringue top and scooping out and eating only the lemon part inside and then replacing the meringue back on top to hide the evidence. I also heard this song on a TV commercial and I couldn’t figure out what language it was as I didn’t recognize it( and usually I’m very good at that) and it turned out all along it was English! My mind must really be going, and to make me think I’m losing my mind even more the girls took and hid my iPod while trying to “convince” me they didn’t, so I’d think I was crazy.

Poor Buddy also fell off a chair and face-planted on the floor, poor thing, and I was thinking how much it hurt how Patti used me and the only people that I wouldn’t mind using me are hot guys, like the hunk reporter on the TV news or the Trivago hunk on their commercial; they can use me as much as they want!!!! Being ravished by guys like that, always out of my league, would be a dream come true! Maybe I should just go ahead and hire a gigolo? 😀