We had our big Easter dinner (which I always dub our Easter Feaster) last night. We also had the second-oldest(who visited for 3 days) and my father-in-law. We had various kinds of potatoes and veggies, 5 hams and 5 turkeys , dinner rolls, and a Cross- shaped chocolate cake with J.C inscribed on it for Jesus. My mother and I sat in the kitchen, separate and away from the others who ate in the diningroom as they always act like uncultured losers, and true to form afterwards when I went around the table cleaning up the plates and left-over food they were throwing food at me.
This is also my Easter stash: a hollow dog chocolate, a Lindt chocolate bunny and 3 Cadbury Easter Creme Eggs , the same thing I get every year. I keep hoping for a hippo hollow chocolate but they just don’t exist….or at least not yet…. I was a pig and ate the entire bunny yesterday, 1 egg, and part of the dog. The kids also got theirs and had a foil-wrapped chocolate egg hunt and my hubby made this Escape Room style scavenger hunt for them as well but he’s such a nerd he made the riddles and clues they had to figure out to be lead to the next clue all these complex math and science questions, like calculating chemicals and such and they just got so bored of it they all quit. Then they spent the rest of the day playing video and board games. The 23 YR old and the second-oldest also practiced their jiu-jitsu and he taught her some new moves and coached her for her upcoming competition and he was such a good teacher, so patient, calm, and took his time explaining it so well.
I also celebrated by smoking weed after dinner which was desperately needed as well since my stomach and kidney pain was REALLY bad and I’ve hardly been peeing much all day. That’s my scavenger hunt; Look what I found! I found some weed! Chronic daily pain is now a constant part of my daily life and if I wasn’t always in pain I’d think I was dead and last night I again tried to kill myself by taking the 30 or so potassium 600 mg pills I had left because I know an overdose of potassium can stop your heart, so I snuggled up in bed next to Buddy and waited until I drifted off to sleep, eager to “wake” up on the Other Side…..and then royally pissed-off to find myself the next day still here, alive and in my bed.I just can’t do anything right. I can’t even kill myself properly. I still have hope it might work though as it’s a slow-acting pill so maybe it just takes longer to reach it’s full effect, maybe even over a few days? If not, I’ll just have to keep trying until I finally succeed. It would have been kind of cool to die yesterday though as it was 1 April and my birthday is 4 January…1/4 and 4/1; like a reversal. I don’t just want to be alive and trudge thru life suffering. I want to be happy and as long as I am me, have this family and this life it’s not possible.It has destroyed me and too broken beyond repair.