I’m Still Here!

StillHere Well, much to my surprise, I’m still here! I really thought I would be dead by now given my extreme pain in my stomach( either liver or stomach ulcer) and kidney area. It feels like my organs are shutting down and like something’s going to explode, yet despite this I’m still alive although it still continues on and I continue to decline. When I woke up in the morning I also had a rash on my arms and chest and my eyes were swollen, likely a reaction to all the toxins building up in my body due to the liver and kidneys shutting down. I’m also itchy as well likely for the same reason and so cold last night in bed I was freezing despite having my little space heater on I had to slip into my sleeping bag under all my covers in order to keep warm; I was so cold my teeth were chattering.

I also alternate between shivering and sweating,  and I’m bleeding out of my arse again,too, like I did 6 months ago when I had that colon polyp; bright red blood so I know it’s fresh and not old blood, my stomach feels nauseated, and I get a bit of relief when I bear down and push like I’m trying to shit( and it always feels like I have to pinch one off to even though I don’t) but I can only do it once or twice as I haven’t got the energy. On top of that “Aunt Flow” also showed up, almost a week late, so now not only do I have stomach and lower back pain but also abdomenal pain,too, and I don’t even have any painkillers left either as I used them all up for my suicide attempts, so I’m screwed.

My guess for the pain is either my stomach ulcer is back again and perhaps bleeding or even rupturing, or the colon polyps are back, or it could maybe even be my appendix or an abdomenal aortic aneurysm or something, or just my usual liver and kidneys failing….or maybe some of each? Perhaps I maybe even have stomach or colon cancer or something,too? In any case, I see the doctor next week so he can at least give me something for the pain, assuming I’m still alive by then.

I still can’t believe either how Patti, or should I say Judas, betrayed me and just dropped me like she did. She was my friend and I confided so much personal and confidential stuff to her; she was the one I trusted and could confide and unload to about, the friend I could lean on, that listened and supported me…..or so I thought. That’s why it hurts me as much as it does that she just blocked me from her life as abruptly and without explaination the way she did. I don’t even know what I did, or what she thinks I did, to warrant it. I was nothing but a good friend to her. It just goes to show that you really can’t trust anyone and that everyone will end up betraying you in the end and you should never get too close to anyone. This just breaks my heart. I really liked her and I thought she was my friend.