Doctor.

doctor I saw the internal medicine specialist, as I do every 6 months. He never really does anything for me though, other than re-news my diuretic. He won’t do referrals(he says that’s up to my family doctor to do, and he’s generally hesitant to do; he outright refuses to refer me to a gyno, for example, despite my heavy, painful and irregular periods, and bleeding in-between that I know isn’t normal and that my cycle has changed, and like now, for example, it’s been something like 12 days and I still have Aunt Flow!) and he never runs any tests or prescribes me any other meds, although this time at least he did give me something for my stomach ulcer. Even when I told him about my ongoing headache and likely sinus infection( incl. blood when I blow my nose) to which he even agreed it likely is, he still never  gave me any antibiotics for to clear it up so I just have to suffer. He also did look shocked and concerned when I described how I’m not sleeping yet said he wouldn’t prescribe me any sleeping pills as they’re all addictive and when I asked if there’s anything that’s non-addictive I can try he said there wasn’t, so I’m basically just S.O.L….shit out of luck…. I guess I’ll always be drop-dead tired and never have a good sleep ever again.

When I got back my mother asked me if he was able to tell what’s wrong with me( all my symptoms and declining health) and I said no, no one seems to know despite all the specialists I’ve seen and all the tests I’ve had that all come back normal…..what are they missing? There has to be some reason, and I’ve lost more weight again too, and it’s nice to be thinner now but the bad side of it is now I’m much skinnier it also makes me look much older, too, with loose, saggy, droopy, wrinkly skin hanging off me, along with a pelican neck, and most noticable on my face, neck, arms and belly. It looks like my skin’s been all stretched out and that I have too much skin for my body. I mean, it just hangs off me. It’s so gross. At least fatter I looked younger and healthier, but now I’ve lost so much weight I really look sickly now and have aged so much!

I also went to Wal-Mart awhile after I’d had weed (it was the only time my hubby “had time” to take me even though he’s out of work now; I’d wanted to go earlier, right after my appointment) and I had a hard time navigating my way thru the store and finding my items and then I forgot my credit card PIN number, and the 11 YR old announced that he wants to be a terrorist to which both the 14 YR old and I both responded in unison, WHAT? and the way he’s always talking about killing people really concerns me,too; I’m worried the kid’s going to grow up to be some sort of sociopath or something but as usual no one believes me or takes my concerns seriously, and they all just laugh it off….every time I give any comment, opinion, or even speak at all my hubby also always gives me this condescending, put-down, Are you serious? Can you really be that dumb? look and it’s really demeaning and belittling and it hurts, and my mother’s always criticizing me how I never listen as well because I don’t do what they tell me even though I’m a grown adult and I refuse to be told what to do and I really never have. I’ve always been a free spirit and had my own mind, gone my own way, never gone along with the crowd, done my own thing, never liked to be told what to do and have rebelled against authority. I do what I want when I want. I am a free and free-thinking individual. I refuse to be controlled by anyone. My only boss is God.

I’ve also had a couple of dreams that San Francisco is in my future, so I don’t know if that might mean I’ll be there on a trip or if I’ll be moving there, so maybe my hubby will end up getting a job there and that’s where we’ll end up moving, or perhaps I will find my True Love someday and that’s where we’ll live?I don’t know, but it will be interesting to see. Whatever happened to the handsome Egyptian man I was supposed to fall in love with and marry though? The one that I’ve felt in my heart and dreamt of ever since I was about 14? He was always in my heart and I felt he was my future…..but where is he? With my luck he probably got killed in a bombing or something, but who am I kidding, who’s going to want me, though? I’m old, ugly, wrinkly, bald, stupid, beset by medical issues….I have nothing to offer anyone.I keep telling myself it’s never too late and one is never too old to find love, but that’s for normal people; not ugly ones like me too ugly to love that even in their youth no one was interested in them, so now I’m old and falling apart the odds are even less. I remember too I never liked the smell of my hubby on my body,either,and I always had to go wash it off, so maybe that was an indication early on that we weren’t a good match, and I hope for someone that I love their scent, that I want to envelop myself in it, just wrap myself up in it and inhale it; someone  I’m so in love with I just want to melt into them. As much as Patti hurt me and betrayed me as well I still don’t regret our friendship though as if it weren’t for her I never would have had Buddy and getting him is the best thing that ever happened to me.