Echo.

echocardiogram I had my echocardiogram and at first I was worried with the weather it would be cancelled( all school buses here were cancelled and in some places even the actual schools were cancelled) or that we wouldn’t be able to open the van as it had been all frozen over with freezing rain/ice and we couldn’t even open the door but luckily it ended up ok. Over the weekend total we got 10 cm snow and 30 mm freezing rain and then yesterday 30 mm of rain(and flooding) and today it’s supposed to snow! I’m so sick of this shit and have had enough.

I’m glad the technician doing the scan( which is basically an ultrasound of the heart) was a woman and not a dude as my left boob was hanging out of the gown for access and we were talking too and Buddy and the puppies were mentioned and she asked if I chose the fee or a puppy for the stud fee, so I am entitled to it and it is the customary thing to do, and she agreed it was “despicable” and “horrible” the way Patti treated me. The scan itself took 30 minutes and results in about a week.

I had these dreams last night as well: one that Buddy gave birth to the pups (I know that’s one of my dreams that’s NOT going to end up happening in real life!) and another where the hospital calls me and tells me I have to come in right away and be admitted, and to pack a bag; something to do with one of my test results, and it’s implied that I need emergency surgery,and in another I wake up in the hospital after being unconscious for  what appeared to be several hours and I had no memory of what happened and it turned out I had some sort of tumour in my head….

purpleBuzzcut2 I also saw this funky hairstyle(here and below) and I just love it and had to put it here. It’s a buzz-cut dyed purple with a flower design shaved into it and then an iridescent mousse rubbed into it.

purpleBuzzcut3 I would so love to get this, but the problem is being so short(and being cut every 1-2 weeks) the style would quickly grow out as well as the colour and would to always keep being re-done. Speaking of colour, I dyed my buzz-cut blonde as I was sick and tired of looking at all the grey.The 14 YR old’s also been sick for 3 days and I have really bad heartburn and for the past 3-4 days my stomach pain is back again and bad again(and my ears still throb and hurt,too) even though the meds for my ulcer had been working…. I wonder if maybe it’s not my gastric ulcer back again like I assumed and maybe stomach cancer or something? Having had the ulcer doubles my chance of getting stomach cancer…

I realized as well that all of my dreams ended in failure: my dream to move to L.A; we did move there but due to all the crime we couldn’t stay and ended up moving back, and my dream to find my True Love and marry for love…except none of the guys I ever liked liked me back and so I ended up lowering my standards and settling for the only one that showed the slightest interest in me, and look what I ended up with; someone who doesn’t give a shit about me and emotionally and psychologically abuses me, and I always dreamed of having kids too and I did but it wasn’t anything like I’d hoped, thought, or expected; I had no idea it would be nothing but trauma, fear, stress, and worry; that I wouldn’t get any satisfaction; just grief, and that they’d end up hating me.

I also realized that I never should take my mother’s advice. I always used to ask her opinion and seek her advice, for guidance, what should I do, and another opinion, and such but now see what a mistake that was as she always only ever makes things worse and her advice is always the wrong advice and has bad, and even almost deadly consequences, had I not ignored her and followed my own instincts instead. For example, when the 23 YR old was a newborn was always so scrawny he looked like a plucked chicken,slept more than usual, had a weak cry, and I had to always wake him up to feed him and he was hardly peeing and I was worried he wasn’t getting enough to eat(and you can’t measure breastmilk like you can with a bottle) and my mother said not to worry, he’s small and so are his pees but I knew better; he should have been soaking diapers, so I had a nurse come in and check him and she weighed him and he kept losing weight and she said he was starving and dehydrated,not getting enough milk, and I had to supplement with formula and then he started to gain weight. He would have died if I’d listened to her and followed her advice, and then with the now 20 YR old when he was 7 I had this nagging feeling he had leukemia even though he didn’t have the typical symptoms and she brushed it off as I was just being a worried mother….. but it turned out I was right and I decided, against her judgement, to take him to the hospital,where they said he only had a few days left to live…..Oh, my God, he would have died if I hadn’t gone with my gut, and then there’s Patti; against my better judgement I mentioned the stud fee to her like my mother kept pressuring me to do and she went ape-shit on me and I think that was the beginning of the end of our friendship right there. Now I’ve learned to follow my own promptings and ignore her as she only leads me the wrong way.