I keep hoping and praying that this is my year. The year where I finally find happiness, love,and freedom; that I either find it in this lifetime, this year, or otherwise I die this year and find peace, freedom and happiness in Heaven, surrounded by love. I was also thinking if I do get to finally move out on my own, away from my toxic family I’ve decided what I’d take with me to my brand new place. I’d bring my fave. things and obviously things that belong to me. Of course I would take my beloved Buddy; I wouldn’t move anywhere without him, and I’d take my bedroom set; my cherrywood old fashioned bed, dresser,and bedside table with the Queen Anne-style legs, the Persian rug in my room, my cedar chest,my A/C, all my hippo collectables and stuff on my wall along with my clothes.
As well as that I’d take the Grandfather clock(which no longer works anyway but I’ve always loved it) and Monet painting (pictured here) as well(which I bought decades ago) and my Louis XV chair and the French Provincial couch and chairs, esp. as I love them, picked them out,and my family always complains how they’re “ugly” and want to get rid of them, so problem solved: I take them and they can buy new stuff for their place. I’d take the matching Cherrywood queen Anne -style coffee table as well and my computer, which was a gift given to me.All I’d have to buy is a small kitchen table and 2 chairs, in case I ever have company.
As I was walking to church yesterday I also saw the cheerful, friendly old guy that always calls out to me and talks to me which he did again and it always makes me feel happy when he does simply because he acknowledges me, proving I’m not invisible, that I am worth someone greeting me and wishing me a good day, and in church I was seeing double and felt like I was almost cross-eyed too and at home looking at a bottle of lotion the letters on it appeared to be Arabic and Russian.. except it really wasn’t,.and my stomach/ulcer pain’s been really bad the past few days as well and my ears are still throbbing, feel full and ache. I’m falling apart in every way, my life, emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Laying out in the sun with Buddy curled up beside me, listening to my music and having had weed struck me as the perfect way to die; with my fave. things, all that’s missing is chocolate, hippos,and sunflowers. I heard as well when Barbara Bush died her husband George was holding her hand and I wish I could have a love like that,too, where even into our 80’s and 90’s we’re still in love and holding hands but I never did and likely never will. I’m beginning to think that love and happiness aren’t meant for me; outside of my reach, like pretty much everything else. I was also looking at the I ♥ Mama tattoo on my wrist I got when the 14 YR old was around 5; she had first wrote it on with green marker and I had the tattoo guy do it in permanently, so I’ll always remember how much she loves me….but now that she no longer does it’s a painful reminder of what I’ve lost. The 18 YR old also has a summer job at a pool store and just like with her last job at the grocery all she had to do was just walk in and she was hired right away but that’s how the world works for good-looking people; it just opens up for them,life comes easy,and they have opportunities that the rest of us don’t. For me, being ugly, it’s always been the exact opposite; I’m always overlooked, ignored, chosen last, rejected, never chosen above others, never anyone’s fave. or first choice, not even a consideration.