Rasta Hoodie.

RastaHoody I took Buddy out for one of his walks and I threw on my Rasta hoodie(the same as seen here) and I had shorts on underneath only I didn’t realize it until I was out but the hoodie went past my knees and was longer than my shorts so it looked like I wasn’t wearing any pants, just the hoodie and bare legs, and I was horrified and embarrassed, knowing people must think it’s either sleazy or my mind is gone, and to make it even worse is I’m dizzy all day as well and I was staggering around so they probably thought I was a drunken old hag.When I was bringing in the empty garbage and recycling boxes I also lost my balance and fell into the bush next to the stairs.Way to go, klutz!

I always somehow seem to embarrass myself, look stupid,fail at life, say and do the wrong things, be inappropriate; I’m just a fop, a bumbling idiot, inept, a flop, and awkward, alot of it mostly having to do with my Asperger’s, social phobia and bipolar,which cloud and distort my thinking and processing and behaviour, and  and others related to all my medical issues. Due to my Asperger’s as well people often think I come across as stuck-up( because I don’t socialize, but it’s the opposite; I don’t think I’m better than them, I don’t feel I’m good enough and I’m nervous and awkward around people and never know what to say, do, or how to act) or inconsiderate or rude, etc. because I can’t read social clues and I just don’t know the appropriate responses, questions, reactions,and aren’t even aware of the social faux-pas I’ve committed, etc. or what’s expected even though I do try it always backfires on me(and then I’m shamed,criticized, scolded, ridiculed, and made to feel ashamed and embarrassed) and truth be told, I’d much rather have them think I’m selfish or rude than for them to know how stupid I am.

TBT2008

This is also one of my fave. photos of the almost-15 year old when she was 5, back when she used to love me and she was sweet and loving,when she was happy, before she broke so hard and pushed me away, before I lost her and the closeness we once had.Of all the kids she was the one I was closest to. I really miss those days and I actually feel as though I’m grieving, because I have lost who she was and the relationship we once had.In a way I also feel betrayed,too.Every day I still keep praying I’ll get her back….. We also got a KitchenAid mixer( it’s black, but I prefer the light pink ones but no one ever gives a shit what I think) and the ceiling’s leaking from all the rain but not where it usually does but a different spot,  and with my face peeling due to my sunburn(it’s also turned to tan now) it’s like free dermabrasion with the first few outer layers of skin burned off and peeling away, revealing a smooth, fresh new layer underneath, and the girls met up with the 23 YR old’s ex GF yesterday too for a final visit and goodbye before she moves back home to California tomorrow. I’m glad they’re still friends and will be keeping in touch. They’ve been friends for 4-5 years.