Locked Out.

LockedOut

  This will give you some idea of how horribly my family treats me. (and all this all happened in just today) how they always gang up on me, belittle and berate me, degrade and demean me, how they always put me down, insult me, treat me like shit, make me feel like a second-class citizen in my own family, emotionally abuse me, criticize me, and hate me and blame me for my limitations,PTSD, and medical issues(instead of trying to help me heal) etc. They are abusive and I can’t take any more of it yet I have no $$$$ and nowhere to go. My mother and hubby tell me to go live out on the street(be homeless) but I also want to be safe and as for the kids( who see how they treat me and now copy it) tell me just to go and die. Here is a small sample of how I’m treated just based on one day:
  The 14 and 16 YR olds were cleaning near the back door and Buddy(my dog) and I were out in the backyard and they locked us out and wouldn’t even let him in to eat or me even when I said I had to go pee, in fact, the 16 YR old scoffed, “Pee outside!” and they laughed. They made me wait 10 minutes before they finally let me in and I was FURIOUS. On top of that when I told my hubby and my mother they thought nothing of it and said it was MY fault for not going around the side or front door and just coming in that way….except I was wearing a tube top for tanning and I don’t want the neighbours or anyone else to see me; it’s not something I’d go out in public with! It also signifies how I feel in this family: locked out.My hubby also accuses me of “starting drama” just because I speak up and stand up for myself when they attack me, and when I tell them I’m tired always being blamed for everything my mother sneers, Everything is always your fault!
  Later on the 16 YR old wanted my help with something and I reminded her how she locked me out and so I’m not doing her any favours so then she purposely left the backyard gate open hoping Buddy would run out and get loose on the street, just to get me “back” and they always do things like that, and they even say they’re going to kill him just to hurt me.To tell the truth, I don’t feel safe here. Today the 11 and 16 YR olds also put these goofy stickers all over my Jesus pictures on the wall, which is disrespectful,and then they got mad when I peeled them off and put them on their photos and the mirror.The 16 YR old also now refuses to check in on Buddy’s puppies’ progress(I was blocked) so I can see how they’re doing; she’s just doing it to be mean.This is no life. I can’t keep living like this. I have no escape.No one’s ever on my side, or supports me or backs me up or cares or loves me.
  I really don’t know why they hate me so much.I stayed home and raised them and homeschooled them and I always meant well and did the best with what I have. I know they hate and blame me for my brokenness and traumas, not realizing the role that they also played in it. I hope this is the last final indignity. I can’t take any more of this. It has to end one way or the other. I can’t keep doing this. They’ve crushed my spirit, ruined my life, destroyed who I am, taken away everything I once was, beaten me down, and now I’m just a hollow empty shell longing for freedom,love, and happiness I never seem to find, that’s always out of my reach and I fear I’m just not ever meant to have. I feel like a prisoner in my own life.I need to be free and find peace. I have to break away from them somehow and never look back…..I need to break free so they can’t hurt me anymore.