Mr. Mouse.

MouseInGarbage Look what we found when we opened up the lid on our garbage can. Look really closely, in the middle, can you see it? It’s really dark in there so the photo isn’t too bright .It’s a live mouse! It’s just the cutest little thing(brown on top, white underneath) and my guess was that someone opened up the lid and it scrambled in and then the lid was shut and it got trapped in there(at least it has lots of food) but as it turned out my hubby had caught it in a mousetrap and thought it was dead, then guessed it was probably just sleeping( he seriously can’t tell the difference between something sleeping or dead? Really? I could tell even when I was just a kid!) and removed it from the trap and dumped it in the garbage can.So now we have a mouse in the garbage can and everyone’s scared to open it up so we have this live mouse in there no one knows what to do with. My hubby said to flush it down the toilet but that’s just cruel. I suggested just picking it up and tossing it back outside…then they freak out, Noooo, it’ll just find it’s way back inside!

The 11 YR old also entered a spelling bee and came in third, but only because the word was a homophone and he didn’t know which version it was(he should have asked for it to be used in a sentence) and he spelled the wrong one, and the 23 YR old painted the veranda railing only he did it in white because it was the cheapest paint, only 20$ as compared to the coloured ones that were 50$ even though it looked better the colour it was before( a burnt reddish/brown) and I thought would stay the same colour, as with the white columns it needs some contrast and now all white it looks like shit. My hubby and the girls were also talking and I interjected a comment and he growled at me that I was butting-in my opinion, like anything I have to say isn’t wanted, welcomed, valued, or appreciated, even though I was just trying to add to the conversation, be included and show interest in what they were talking about….but I got shut down like always.

I also failed again last night at yet another suicide attempt. This time I took alot of Benadryl and Trazodone  which certainly by all accounts should have worked and I even took an anti-nauseant to make sure I wouldn’t barf them up…. yet nothing and I was angry, dismayed,pissed-off, and disappointed to still wake up this morning and find myself still alive yet again. I’m such a failure and nothing ever goes right or works out for me I can’t even kill myself properly. I don’t know why God doesn’t just take me though, why He keeps me alive and keeps prolonging my suffering, pain,and misery. I can’t go on any longer and want to find peace. I also hate myself and my life and my toxic family and the way they treat me; it’s all just so hopeless and I can’t keep on doing this anymore. What’s the point? I can’t even think of one reason why I shouldn’t kill myself(and they’d be glad to be rid of me,too, so everybody gets what they want)….and I keep trying and trying and pray every day to God I die….but it never works! What plans does God possibly have for my life to keep me here, despite my best efforts to finally just end it all?Maybe He just hates me, like everyone else.

As well ever since I woke up today I’m really dizzy and feel like I’m going to faint and have to keep sitting down( it’s always worse when I change positions,too, like getting up standing after laying down or sitting) and I get double blurry vision and also see these black “spots” and “lines” out of the corner of my eyes, and my chest, arms,and upper back feel heavy and weak and I keep coughing.My stomach and abdomenal pain is bad too. Chronic pain is just a part of my daily life. The neighbours 2 houses down from us also put their house up for sale, moving back to Newfoundland in July, and I met the new owner of D’s old house; she seemed nice and has a Basset Hound that’s 12 just like Buddy!