The House.

house1 This is the house the neighbour’s 2 houses over are selling. They’re asking 325K which is surprising, I thought it would be more. They have 4 bedrooms and other than the hideous diarrhrea-green painted exterior( which the new owners can easily change if they want; just re-paint it) it’s a really nice house. Of all the “original” neighbours on our street that were here when we moved in 15 years ago now there’s only 2 of us left; us and L across the street.

house2 What I like best about it is the beautiful old dark wood panelling and hardwood floors, the fireplace and the painted walls ,painted with vibrant colour and not the usual boring bland white.What gets me though is in all these staged realestate photos is how everyone’s houses are always so unrealistically clean. I mean, come on, that’s not reality, that’s not really how people live, esp. when they have kids, and the neighbours have 4 kids, incl. a little guy just 4-5 years old. There’s no way people really keep their homes this immaculately clean and tidy ….and with no clutter? I’ve never been to anyone’s house where it really looks like this….

house3 Look at this, for example, not one thing out of place. Hmmmmmm…. no toys strewn around, no wrappers tossed on the floor, no dust, no smudges on the walls, no clutter, no mess, everything perfectly in it’s place, like one of those showcase homes in those magazines.

house4 Now I’m convinced the realestate people must have hired some professional of some sort to clean it and feng shui it or something.Holy f*ck we’re such slobs I can’t imagine the clean up if we have to put our house up, the cleaning alone will take years! Before I ever had kids our houses were always neat and tidy(although still not quite like this!) and then once they came along they ruined every house. Speaking of moving, it’s only my hubby and the 14 and 16 YR old that even want to move; my mother, the 23 YR old, 11 YR old,and I don’t even want to move; it’s such a stressful, hassle and expense so I suggested that maybe just they move out then and get their own place somewhere and when one of the girls asked how they pay for it, I replied, That’s Papa’s problem; he’s the one that wants to move, not us….

My mother and I also went to our fave. Italian place for our early Mother’s Day lunch. The bill was 60$ which is why we only go twice a year for special occasions as it’s so expensive.They have the best, most amazing, wonderful food there, oh my God. It was glorious! I was hoping it might give us a sort of a chance to “bond” like we used to before I had kids and she changed; over-stepping boundaries, over-ruling and undermining me, sabotaging my discipline with the kids, turning them against me, etc. and there were so many things I wish I could share with her and tell her but I held back because I know better; she’d only throw them back in my face, blame me for it, say I deserve it, try and “convince” me how “good” I have it, put me down, try and make me feel ashamed, etc. When I did lament to her that no one loves me except for my dog she just smugly replied flatly, Be grateful, some people don’t even have that. No caring, no validation, nothing.

Today my stomach, abdomenal and back pain is still soooooo bad. I wish I knew what was causing it, and I never even bothered to tell my family about my most recent(or several of them, in fact) suicide attempt either as there’s really no point. They won’t care anyway and they’d be disappointed too that it didn’t work yet again; they want me dead and will celebrate when I’m gone and probably even dance on my grave,too. They wouldn’t have any concern for me anyway and they’d just tear me down and be hurtful so why would I even mention it? It’s also not fair that other people such as the victims of the recent attack on Yonge St. and the bus crash victims that DON’T want to die, that have hope and futures, and their lives ahead of them and family that loves them and will miss them and that don’t want to die are the ones that end up dying and then there’s people like me that don’t, and that want to die, that have tried several times to ensure it, I beg to God for it, I’m ready for it…and yet I’m still here and they’re not.