So, 2 plumbers came to access the damage as to why our ceiling was leaking and then crashed down to the hallway below. It was the toilet like I had suspected…..only it was also much worse; not only is the pipe leaking( they shut off the water to third floor bathroom, so now when I have to get up to pee during the night I have to stumble all the way down to the second floor bathroom in the dark trying not to fall down the stairs in the dark in my semi-awake state) but they have to completely replace all the old copper pipes in that area, even though I thought we already did have all the old copper pipes in the house replaced when we first moved in 15 years ago( I guess there was some they forgot?) and tear out the entire ceiling in the hallway on the second floor below to do it…..yet another expense that we can’t afford…. and this is going to cost thousands of $$$$$$! Where is the $$$$$ going to come from? They said they’ll be back next week so now we have a week without use of the third floor bathroom,and guess who uses that bathroom during the night, to wash her face, and getting up first thing in the morning and before going to bed last thing at night? Yup……me.
Maybe the gastro doctor was right,too: if everything else “major” is eliminated for my stomach and abdomenal pain IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) is left, a gastro condition causing pain, cramping, gas, constipation and diarrhrea and is often seen in people who suffer from depression and stress, most commonly middle-aged women. I wouldn’t be surprised; I have so much stress in my life; now not only does it effect me emotionally but now physically as well but if it is IBS I’m surprised it causes this much pain though but she said it can, and, of course, there’s no cure, it’s just one of those chronic things you have to live with. It figures. Just another health issue to add to my list. Yet another pain in my life.
The thought came to me as well that maybe the reason none of my suicide attempts never work as it’s not my time is that maybe someone still needs me and that someone is Buddy! Even though my family doesn’t give two shits about me and no one else cares about me Buddy loves me and he does depend on me and needs me; I’m the one that takes care of him and looks after all is needs and if he loves me as much as I love him when I’m gone he’ll be devastated and feel lost just like I would without him,and maybe he needs and loves me just as much as I do him, and I need to be here for him. He is the only light, joy,and love in my life, and perhaps, I am his only, too, and God’s keeping me around here a little longer because I have to take care of him and he needs me, relies on me,and loves me?
I also wanted to clarify when I mention about how it broke me when the 15 YR old went thru her struggles being suicidal and anorexic and when she pulled away from me after we had been so close and decided she didn’t love me anymore even though she was the person I was the closest to, and it was the last straw after a long list of years and years of traumas and constant misfortunes, tragedies, bad luck,loss, stress, crisis, and and hits that just keep coming and coming that just pushed me over the edge. I just love her so much when she broke and to watch her fall apart destroyed me and then when she also pulled away from me it just shattered me and it was too much and just broke me.I’d reached my limit. Seeing someone I love so much suffering thru something like that, breaking so hard like that and then being shut out was too much for me and it tore me apart and was the “trigger” point of the beginning of the end for me, the decline I was never able to recover from and the point I just decided I couldn’t go on any more. I don’t blame her; she can’t help breaking any more than I can; it’s just that after what happened to her and to our relationship as a result, it was more than I could handle and it decimated me.
My hubby also had a job interview and there are jobs in Markham and Nova Scotia and Markham is too close to Toronto so there’s no way we could ever afford to live there and Nova Scotia is more affordable, but the Maritimes are known for having really bad weather, being right along the ocean, such as bad hurricanes, flooding, and blizzards, plus they are the provinces(as well as BC) that are very hostile to homeschooling. They said it went well and will let him know in a week. He also got hit by a car! I saw 2 red circles on his shins and I thought it was from working on the fence, that maybe he got his legs mixed up with the fence posts and hammered his legs instead…but someone wasn’t looking where they were going, driving really slowly luckily, and bumped into him….at first I thought he was joking..when he said he was hit by a car…..well, you know, of course I didn’t believe it….
I also heard Classical music coming out of my window A/C…..weird, I know…and Buddy was trying to catch a mouse in the rec room and got trapped amongst a “maze” of boxes and tightly squeezed in furniture and things and was tightly wedged in there and if he’d gone even a bit further he would have gotten stuck and the spot was so small and tight I wouldn’t have been able to get him out; he was almost at the point of no return if he’d kept going after the mouse….so, out of concern for his well-being I called him to Come!…. and he looked confused as to how to get his way back out, but he listened to my voice and followed it until he was able to back out and navigate his way thru the dark “maze” and find his way out back to me, where he popped his head out and saw me and then he perked up, wiggled his body and wagged his tail in joy and ran over to me, bounding over, leaping into my arms, joyfully, and it reminded me of us and God: even when we are afraid, feel alone, are scared, can’t find our way in a dark, scary situation, don’t know where we are or how to find our way out, don’t be afraid. Just listen to His voice and follow Him and He will see us safely thru and get us out. If we listen to His voice and follow Him he will guide us back to safety, back to Him.